Love By Any Other Name
by Brindabella
Summary: Nick and Jen have spent time apart. They've moved on. But is it better than what they used to have?
1. Chapter 1

_Love by Any Other Name_

"_You've decided to end it haven't you?" he asked, a sense of dread in his voice. "This isn't a casual fling," he tried to insist – a last minute effort to convince her he meant what he said._

"_I know," came her whispered reply. She went on. "Nick this means everything to me…"_

"_Great. That's the way I feel too."_

_He smiled, wanting her to see the light side so badly. The side they could let themselves revel in, if only she would let them. "Let's get married, have kids." She smiled, briefly. "I've never wanted that with anyone before __**but I want that with you.**__" He'd never said anything with more passion._

_But she was reluctant. "What if we do all that and then in two years time we split up?"_

_He wouldn't give up trying to sway her to his way of thinking. "Well it's worth taking the risk don't you think?"_

_Her frown shadowed her face. "Yeah but I'm the one that's taking all the risk! If we stay together one of us is going to have to leave Homicide and you and I… both know that it's gonna be me."_

_That was when she lost it, crumbling before him, unable to stop her emotions from being on display. "Nick, I've devoted my life to this job! If I leave the Homicide I don't know who I am anymore."_

_He was ready with an answer. "Okay. I'll transfer out," he offered up immediately._

_She turned to face him properly. "You want a family." _

_She knew he did._

"_I want __**you**__."_

"_But I don't know if I'm ready to have children," she replied, feeling the pressure of his life goals._

"_Well that's something we can decide in the future."_

_Nick was always sure about their future. Always able to see it so clearly, so vividly, so sure he could make his dreams a reality. Jen had no such trait as to be able to do that. She only saw what was right in front of her._

"_I'm sorry…I just, I don't have the answer yet and it's not fair to keep you waiting until I do."_

"_Bloody hell." He couldn't stop the lump in his throat from affecting the tone and volume of his voice. He knew then that she wouldn't change her mind. _

_He pulled at the door handle. "I've got an interview to do."_

She knew when Nick swore that she'd taken the heartbreak one step too far. He'd been able to handle her leaving him in an alleyway all alone, her disappearing for five days to clear her head, he'd even been able to handle her having a go at him quietly at her desk in the middle of the office. But he couldn't handle this.

She studied his face as he said it, even though all she wanted to do was look away. His mouth fell down at the sides, drooping sorrowfully, and dragging the rest of his face down with it. The hope had already left his eyes, and the creases that made up his face already looked deeper, darker, older. She knew what she had done to him.

Streets look familiar

I remember the parts

Where I buried my head so deep in my hands all around me was dark

Chapter 1

Nick noticed only one thing in the days after their break up – that Jen was the tensest he'd ever seen her, and she tip toed around him like he might explode. He knew he was the cause. But he was in a way glad. Maybe then she would realise what she had done to him. How much she had shattered his dreams. He could barely function without her, and he took it out on chairs, doors, almost everything in sight. His colleagues noticed immediately, but he didn't go to any effort to reel it in. He couldn't anyway, even if he'd tried.

The finality of Jennifer's words played on repeat through Nick's brain for days. They were torturously hopeful, insinuating that she would perhaps one day soon have the answer, that she was trying to find the answer, and trying to make up her mind, but he knew Jennifer Mapplethorpe better than anyone, and he knew she was not going to find that answer in a hurry. She was going to muddle over it for weeks, months, even years, debating with herself which route would be the best one to take, and in the meantime life would continue moving merrily along, and she would miss her chance without even realising. When she was finally ready with her answer it would be too late.

So Nick decided he wasn't going to hang around. What was the point? He called an old mentor, a guy by the name of Murray, who was these days quite high up in the job at the St Kilda Road complex, and Nick made no secret of his desperation for a new, fresh posting. Somewhere quiet and quaint, where he could forget about her, and move on. He knew it was a drastic move, and one he was putting into action quite swiftly, but the way he saw it, the longer he stayed, the harder it would be to leave, and the more ways he'd continue to dream up to change her mind and take him back.

"Why would you want a country posting mate?" Murray asked, unable to hide his surprise.

Nick exhaled, not wanting to have to answer. He shrugged into the phone. "I just need a change of pace," was all he would say. "I need somewhere away from distractions."

Murray laughed. "Oh it's like that is it?"

Nick knew he was thinking that Nick was getting too into city life, bedding too many women, drinking too many nights of the week and not getting enough sleep. Living life too fast, the way they'd all been when they were younger and fresh out of the academy. But Nick had not the strength to assure him otherwise, so he let Murray believe it. "I just need somewhere that isn't Melbourne. Can you let me know if there's anything available?"

"Will do mate. There should be something."

He was thankful when a week later Murray came through for him. "There's a sweet little offering in Belgrave," he informed a relieved Nick. "I've set you up an interview."

Thank God, Nick thought. I'm going to ace this, and I'm going to get out of here.

"You're moving away?!" she gasped. She said it like it was life altering news, like nothing would ever be the same after this, and as Nick looked at her, he pondered if for her it actually was life altering. Had she made a mistake? He wasn't going to wait around to find out now.

Jennifer's face was hurt beyond repair, as much as she tried to hide it. She knew life would change once they weren't together, but not like this. She stared at Nick, waiting for an answer, not knowing what to say after her first initial outburst.

He nodded, not allowing himself to be talked around. He was brutally honest with her, making sure she knew his every reason behind his upheaval. "It's just too hard Jen," his last word came out in a hoarse whisper and stayed that way as he went on, keeping a firm grip on his emotions. "I can't be here and pretend that everything's okay. Because it's not."

A flash went through Jennifer's gaze as she pounced on his reasons. "Too hard?!" she spat back. "So you're just going to run away? Since when did you just give in like that when something was too hard?" She pressed him for the answer she really wanted.

Nick wasn't going to have her sledge him for his decision and he stepped in closer and let her know exactly how much she had shaped this snap decision. "Since you decided we couldn't be together."

That truth propelled her into silence. Nothing she could say could shift the blame off her after a dig like that. She felt the heat rise from her chest, all the way up her neck and to her cheeks. Her ears tingled, making her feel uncomfortable in battle. She just looked at him and in a fleeting second saw the man she had fallen for all those years ago. After all this time the desire had never faded, never weakened, never changed. It was still there, deep within her. It was just these days she kept better control over it than she had been able to when she was younger. It was this control that had made her decide to end it with him. She needed to have that kind of control. Control over her job, her friends, her living arrangements. At least with control over those things she wouldn't miss so much the feeling of being swept away by this detective.

But she knew that if she would just slacken the grip her sensible head had on her cushy heart and admit to Nick how she truly felt about him, how much she loved and adored him and couldn't possibly imagine life without him, then he would stay. But something inside her made her keep her mouth shut.

It would never work anyway, if he's decided on this drastic move, Jennifer thought to herself. We're obviously after completely different things. It would never work out in the long term anyway, just like I said to him in the car. Two, three years, and we'd be over. I'm not going to devote myself to a relationship like that only to have the ass fall out of it in a few years.

Nick continued, at the last second wanting her to really know his intentions. "I can't work in such close proximity to you everyday and…hold myself back…from loving you. I just can't." His voice was still low, almost apologetic, clouded again by his ravenous feelings for her. "No. I have to get away."

"Can't you just transfer to another department?" she asked pathetically, wondering fleetingly if such a simple suggestion could be the answer. "Or I could!" She didn't know why she was suggesting it really, when she was so sure that she didn't want to be in a relationship with Nick that was only destined to fall apart after a couple of years.

But Nick shook his head back at her, certain. He knew it would still be too close, like he was just teasing himself.

"When are you going?" she whispered. They were alone in the office. Everyone else had left not much earlier, and they too were in the middle of gathering up their things to leave as well. Nick was already moving towards the lift, his keys dangling precariously off the little finger of his right hand.

"Friday," he replied as he pushed the button for the lift.

She followed, holding in her gasp at his answer, just trying to process the news. It was already Wednesday.

They rode in silence down through the floors of the complex and to the cold hearted underground carpark. Shadows lurked, as they always did, around each pillar and down every ramp, but both ignored them, heading for their cars. Nick appeared to have run out of steam, Jennifer noted as they walked, and his face had gone back to looking how it had that horrible day in the car. His mouth was down turned, his chin moving up and down and side to side, trying to not cry. He was still a bloke, she thought, and like all blokes, he didn't want to cry in front of others.

He pointed his key at his ute and pressed the central locking button on the side before opening the door and throwing his jacket onto the back seat. He didn't even want to say the words, so he just walked around to the drivers side in silence, his head still down. He opened the door and was in and sitting, about to pull the door closed, when she finally spoke.

"Nick…"

He pulled the door closed and it slammed satisfyingly. He couldn't hear anymore. It was over. He wasn't going to wait around to hear more of her reasons why she couldn't be with him.

He drove away and tried not to look at her in the rear vision mirror, just standing pathetically in the middle of the carpark.

Jennifer could do nothing but watch the ute roar off, like he couldn't get away from her fast enough. Only when finally faced with such an ultimatum as she was right then, when it was finally out of her hands and she couldn't change it, did she realise that maybe she'd made the wrong decision.

There goes my life

There goes my future, my everything

Might as well kiss it all goodbye

There goes my life


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Hi Kirsten. It's Jen Mapplethorpe," Jennifer spoke into the phone, hoping she sounded normal to the 20 year old receptionist. She said what she always did when she didn't want to have to tell people what was the real problem. She'd done it countless times before. When she'd gone to see Brian Van Der Burgh in jail, not wanting her colleagues to talk her out of it, or to offer to go along with her to protect her. Sometimes she just wanted to deal with things solo. "No need to patch me through," she explained in a rush, feeling the guilt prod at her instantly because of the lie she was about to tell. "I'm just calling in sick for today and tomorrow." Who knew if Nick would be at work on Friday, or if he was leaving first thing, but either way she didn't want to be there to find out.

She could hear Kirsten tapping into her computer, noting the absence into the system. "No worries Jen, all done." She was always so chirpy and friendly, seeing the best in people all the time. She only worked part time at the front desk, Jennifer remembered, as she tried to cut it as an actor. She was glad she'd got her on the phone and not the other girl, Janet, with the monotone voice and suspicious nature. "I hope you feel better soon."

"Thanks," Jennifer mumbled, suddenly wanting to end the conversation before the guilt got the better of her and she blurted everything out to this friendly young woman. She hung up and sighed, throwing her phone onto the bed in front of her. It was still early, not even seven thirty, and Jennifer was still in her pyjamas. Perhaps I'll stay in them all day, she thought. Wallow in my own self pity. Sounds good to me.

She flopped back against the pillows, looking over to the other side of the bed, where Nick had so often been. She closed her eyes and after only a second of blackness the picture formed in her mind so vividly she wondered if she'd just travelled back through time, to just a few months ago. She could see Nick: bare chested, muscly, carefree, lying beside her. He loved to sleep with his arms around her, and she in turn loved to snuggle into his hold. It was all encapsulating, and she felt content and safe in his arms. He would kiss her good morning, and sometimes she would wake up, even on cold mornings, and already be warm, and she would wonder if it was because he'd been kissing her body all over and stroking her limbs tenderly, long before she'd even stirred. Probably, she thought now. That's something Nick would do. It would explain the feeling of warmth that would cocoon her.

But now, now the space beside her was empty, and as she remembered this the picture in her mind returned to black, and she squeezed her eyes shut still, knowing if she opened them she would only see the real picture of how life was now. An empty bed, no tie on the floor, no masculine smell drifting over to her side of the bed, no sound of someone else's breathing.

She didn't even have Jerry anymore, who'd often sleep on the edge of the bed, at her feet, keeping an eye on his owner during the night. He'd jump off the second she woke, and demand his breakfast. But he had passed away the year previous, just from old age, and she missed her furry companion. It had been nice to have another living, breathing being in her bed after Jerry had died, but now, she had neither.

Even now when it's already over

I can't help myself from looking for you

She turned her head over to the other side of the bed and reached out to the bed side table to grab her diary. She held it above her face and opened it up, flicking through the pages to this week. December first. Brilliant, she thought bitterly. Christmas is almost here. Just what I need. She screwed up her nose as she scanned the weeks entries. _Dinner, Mums 6pm, _was scrawled on Sunday the fifth. Jennifer sighed, wondering how she would break the news to her mother. She'd always adored Nick.

She snapped the diary shut and got up, walking to the bathroom, then a moment later to the kitchen. She made herself coffee, and toast, slathering it with peanut butter, an unhealthy concoction she didn't normally indulge in, but the breakfast seemed to fit her mood perfectly. She needed comfort food. She moped to the living room with her plate and mug, sat down on the couch, her legs folded underneath her, and flicked on the television.

The morning shows chirped incessantly at her and she tried to pay attention, but her mind was so clearly elsewhere. Even she could tell that. Eventually she slithered down from her sitting position so that she was lying down, her head resting on a cushion as she stared blankly at the television. She didn't know what to do with herself. Perhaps it would've been better to go to work, just for something to focus on? But she'd not felt like she had the strength to confront Nick, when she knew he was packing up all his stuff, both at the office and at home, ready to move away. She didn't want to torture herself with such a confrontation.

So she stayed on the couch all day, not getting out of her pyjamas until she showered that night and put on a fresh pair. She did the same on Friday, allowing her mood to sink even further as she thought what Nick would be doing. She wondered where he was going. Was he still going to work for Homicide? Or was he not only transferring stations but departments too? It was no longer her right to know though, nor her place to ask. They were over. She'd made damn sure of that. She missed the human contact already.

On Saturday Matt texted her, asking how she was feeling and telling her it was a shame she hadn't been able to come to Nick's farewell drinks on Thursday night. He kindly invited her to the Sunday session at a local hotel if she was feeling well enough, and ended the message with a friendly smiley face.

She didn't reply to the message until later that night, dreaming up her lie as she typed the words into her Iphone.

_Still feeling shocking Matty…thanks for the invite though. Hopefully I'll see you Monday _

She had to do a lot of lying to hide how she was truly feeling it seemed. She hit send. She would be at work on Monday, because she knew by then Nick would be gone, and she could return to the office not having to worry about facing him. But she couldn't go a moment before, and she certainly couldn't go to the pub for a drink with Matt and Duncan and Allie. She feared she'd breakdown in front of them if any of them even whispered Nick's name.

So instead she went to her mother's on Sunday, well before the six o'clock that she'd been invited for, and sat out on edge of the timber back veranda in the afternoon sun and bawled in long, slow, heartbroken sobs into her mother's arms.

On Monday morning Jennifer stood in front of the bathroom mirror and took a few deep breaths. Her face was red from the run she'd just returned from, and she splashed cold water on her cheeks to cool herself down before stepping into the shower. She made it quick, eager to get her day started. She stepped out, towelling herself dry, catching the droplets of water on her arms and legs as she opened the drawer at her thigh with her free hand.

One by one she plucked a tube or a palette from the drawer and transformed herself into the Jennifer she had been before she'd fallen for Nick. Concealer, foundation, blush. Her hands worked quickly and stealthily. Eyeshadow, eyelash curler, mascara, lipstick. The transformation worked wonders, and as she tousled her fingers through her damp hair, she felt herself gaining momentum, ready to tackle a life without Nick. Or, at the very least, able to tackle it in public. When she was home alone, it would be a very different story.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A few days before Christmas Jennifer joined her colleagues at the local watering hole for their Christmas party. The brass had been especially generous that year and the flow of everything from the bar, even spirits, was constant. The crew were surprised, but didn't squander the opportunity, to say the least. The night got messy, with the usual squabbles and dramas that usually punctuated an office Christmas party, and a few stumbles out of the establishment along with a few words said in drunken stupors about bosses and colleagues that would surely later be regretted. The Homicide team observed it all from afar, amused.

But they too had had their fair share of drinks, even the ones who usually proclaimed themselves teetotallers.

"Oh come on Jen!" Rhys and Allie jeered her, Rhys clapping a hand on her back. "You can't possibly want to work on Christmas day! Where's your spirit?"

Jennifer just smiled a tight smile. Why shouldn't she work Christmas day? She had no-one really but her Mum to spend the day with anyway, and the idea didn't exactly thrill her, no matter how much she adored her mother. She knew she would just be sad that she wasn't spending the day happily with Nick. So she preferred to work.

Matt spoke up, saving Jennifer from explaining further. "I think I need to get out of here before I get drunk off the alcoholic fumes just coming out of everyone's mouths in here." He gathered his phone and wallet off the table and looked at his co-workers. "I'm going to hit the road."

Jennifer shot him a grateful look. "Me too," she said. They bade farewell over the protests of the other coppers and walked out of the hotel side by side.

Out in the warm evening air Jennifer felt herself relaxing as she walked beside Matt. "Where did you park?" she asked him innocently, spying her own car just a few metres away.

Matt waved his hand up ahead, indicating nowhere in particular. "Oh miles away…that's what I get for being late." He smiled at her and she joined him.

She stopped in front of her vehicle, reaching for the keys out of her handbag. "Well this is me."

They stood in silence for a few moments before Matt moved in closer. "Merry Christmas Jen," he wished her kindly. His hand reached for her elbow and he leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

She leaned in to receive it but when they pulled apart their faces still remained infinitely close and they hovered there for a few breathless seconds before they seemed to make the same decision at exactly the same time. A second later their lips locked in a deep, innocently unexpected kiss, and neither tried to pull out of it.

When they finally did pull apart, Jennifer pressed her lips together and smiled, unsure, up at Matt. But he was as cool as they come, happy with what had just happened. "Drive safely. Remember, double demerits this Christmas," he reminded her cheekily. He strode away, further down the street to his own car.

Jenifer walked out onto the road to get into hers and fell into the drivers seat in a fog. It took her three tries to get the key into the ignition as she wondered what in the world she'd just done.

_Jesus Jen, you only got out of a relationship a month ago! What are you doing?_

But for some reason, she drove home with a smile on her face.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Jennifer did work Christmas Day. And Boxing Day. And right through the new year. It didn't bother her. She got so much work done that when Stanley returned from his break he couldn't stop singing her praises. The rest of Homicide felt slack in comparison.

Late one Tuesday in the break room Matt entered as she was lost in a daydream, waiting for the kettle to boil. She smiled at him awkwardly, trying to think of something about the case they were working on that she could say. But of course, nothing came to her. Since the Christmas party she had been trying to simply act as normal around him, and she had noticed he was trying desperately to do the same, but neither could forget that kiss. It was burned into Jennifer's memory.

Matt reached beside her and pulled himself a mug off the shelf, then busied himself with coffee and sugar. They didn't speak. But when he reached into the fridge for the milk and straightened back up he finally broke the silence. Jennifer was relieved.

"Are you free tonight?" he asked shyly.

I'm free every night. I only have a date with my television and a bottle of wine, Jennifer thought. "Free as a bird. Why?" she asked, even though every guy she'd ever encountered who'd asked a question like that was not asking it for any other reason than to ask her out on a date. She grinned, unable to help herself.

"Feel like dinner, or a movie or something?" he stumbled, not knowing what offer would sound best to her.

Her grin remained on her face and she nodded, putting him at ease. "Sure Matty."

His face broke into a grin back at her. "Pick you up at seven?"

Matt showed up at exactly 6:55pm. He wore the best clothes he could find in his closet, and tugged nervously at the collar of his crisply ironed shirt. He knew she would look stunning, and wanted so much to look like the kind of guy that would take her out on a date. He'd wanted exactly this to happen for so long – years even – and now he had his chance he didn't want to blow it. He knocked timidly on her front door.

She answered within seconds, and if he didn't know any better he'd think she had been right by the door waiting, as nervous as he was. She swung the glass panelled door open and smiled at him in greeting, just like she had in the break room that afternoon. Matt had been right, she did look stunning. She was clad in silver grey skinny jeans, a tan coloured button up blouse and a white blazer, its lapels adorned with Aztec inspired dark gold beading. The shoulders were padded just squarely enough to make him notice and she smelt of vanilla and roses. Her hair was lose and she'd put on heels – a sight he wasn't used to after she wore such highly conservative footwear to work everyday. But there was no doubt. She looked ravishing.

He held out the bunch of roses he'd bought for her on the way. He'd agonised over whether to buy any at all – was that going too far? Being too clichéd? Weren't they just keeping it casual? But he'd bought them anyway in the hope that she'd be swept away with such a romantic gesture.

Luckily he was right. Her face lit up, so thrilled at the sight of a bouquet just for her. It _was_ romantic, and it had been a long time since anyone had bought her flowers.

As they walked side by side along the Yarra later, a pleasant night behind them, Jennifer wondered if she was doing all this too soon after breaking up with Nick. What kind of woman did this make her? She was not, and had never wanted to be, the type who hopped from man to man. What kind of reputation was she about to get?

They stopped. Jennifer looked around them and took stock of where they were. It was a shady part of the bank, on the same side as the casino. Matt leant over the railing, resting his elbows on the wrought iron. She hovered beside him, not sure if she should, or wanted to, get too close.

"Jen. Are you worried?" he asked, reading her mind.

She had never made it public knowledge that she and Nick had been in a relationship, ever. And as far as she knew everyone had bought her story about being sick during the last two days Nick had spent in the office. Since then she hadn't talked about Nick, but then reasoned that if they had all bought her story, and she'd hidden their relationship well enough from her colleagues then why should she be talking about him anyway? Coppers left and transferred and retired all the time. So the fact she never mentioned his name to Duncan or Allie or Rhys after he'd left wasn't odd. But somehow, now, Matt had realised that she had been with Nick. He knew it. So she had to nod.

He looked out over the water. "So am I." Like her, he had not long been out of a relationship that had broken down. He wondered if it was too soon. Was he just rebounding?

She stepped up to the railing and leant against it, brushing her hips on the cool metal. She wrapped her hands around the railing and looked at him with concern. What were they doing? She knew she needed to overcompensate, to save both their skins.

"Tonight was great Matt," she began. "But you don't have to-"

"Jen. I can't forget that kiss we had," he admitted quietly, interrupting her.

Neither could she. She squirmed a little inside. "I'm sorry. It should never have happened." She'd been a little tipsy, and so had he. It was Christmas, and they were alone, both vulnerable and heartbroken, and she knew neither of them had planned it.

"And I don't want to forget it."

This revelation startled Jen, and it made her realise she felt the same. She breathed in shakily, feeling overwhelmed by the lovely way he was making her feel. It was helping inexplicably to soothe her heartbreak over losing Nick. And now that she was standing right in front of Matt, Nick was not only out of sight but almost completely out of her mind. And then when he reached for her hand and leaned nervously in to kiss her again, she couldn't stop herself. She melted into his body and kissed him right back.

I let it fall, my heart

And as it fell you rose to claim it

It was dark, and I was over

Until you kissed my lips and you saved me


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Twelve months later they were living together in Matt's humble little two story house in his humble little leafy suburb of Melbourne. At first Jennifer had been hesitant of even getting into another relationship, let alone one with a colleague, especially when working in the same department had been pretty much the sole reason for the breaking down of her last relationship, but with Matt it just seemed to work out. They were sensible and adult about it, and while the rest of the crew had vague ideas Jennifer and Matt were together no one seemed bothered by it, simply because they kept it so professional. It wasn't the problem it had been with Nick.

Jennifer knew that this dalliance worked so well because the intensity was nowhere near the height it had been with Nick. It felt wrong to compare the two relationships, but she couldn't help herself sometimes, especially early on. With Nick they were too consumed with each other, too passionate, too driven to the brink. It had made it so difficult to handle their relationship on a personal level and the fact they worked together. But with Matt, the passion was of a different kind – still there, but much more muted and discreet – and from day one hadn't caused any problems. Jennifer felt guilty that she could make this relationship work, but hadn't been able to do the same when it came to Nick, and she knew it was because the love she'd had for him had been completely different. But still, she felt guilty that she had not worked harder last time.

But she could not dwell on it, and visibly forced herself to forget him, even though it was at times very difficult. She had heard through the coppers grapevine that he now worked out in Belgrave. He was a country bloke now. And he had fallen in love with a country girl apparently. It was hard to believe. Jennifer had been told her name was Summer, and she was younger than Nick. She screwed up her nose childishly any time she thought of Nick being in a relationship with a country girl, let alone one with a name like Summer. That wasn't the Nick she knew so well. He could appreciate nature and the simple things but he wasn't a country boy. He wanted a family and marriage but as far as she knew he'd only ever really dated women very close to, or exactly his age, including herself, and wouldn't ever compromise the connection he felt with people his own age just to have a child with someone more spritely and fertile. And a country girl? No. Nick was a good looking guy, and his kind of woman was glamourous, modern, sophisticated. She wore Witchery, not RM Williams. She was the epitome of class, not some jillaroo in cowboy boots. She was Jen, not this Summer girl. What the hell was he doing with a woman named after a season? It had hurt and surprised her when she'd found out. Things had changed so much since they'd been apart.

As far as she could tell Matt was trying not to dwell on it either. They were happy together, just cruising along, in love and happily living under the same roof. There was no pressure, no obligations to fulfil or dreams to achieve. They were just cruising along. It was easy, and that made Jennifer happy.

The only time it really bothered her was when Matt drank. Which, to be fair, was hardly ever. There had been just one incident when she had felt he had drunk too much, and the night had gone off course. They'd been at the pub, celebrating the end of a huge case. It had come to a satisfying end, the way you always hoped a case would end, and the culprit was going to rot away in jail for the rest of his life. Everyone in the Homicide crew was pleased the outcome had been so good, and were pleased it was all over. But Matt hadn't seemed able to wind himself down from the heart he had put into the case.

They had sat around a large square table out in the beer garden, Chinese lanterns glowing as they hung from the trees and the rafters. They swayed softly in the post sunset breeze, and the air had been refreshing and rejuvenating. That was one thing Jennifer had remembered the most about that night – the fresh summer air. It had filled her lungs and done wonders in prepping her up again after a long hard week. The conversation had drifted away from the case at last, after at least an hours talking about it, and Duncan had stood to buy the next round of drinks. He had assumed everyone just wanted another beer, and no one had said anything different. But as Duncan had walked away from the table and back inside to the bar Matt had spoken up. "Hey Dunny!" he'd called out, obviously not caring if he was heard by everyone else around them. "Take me to the top shelf this time mate. Scotch. Neat."

Allie and Rhys, and even Jennifer had looked at Matt in surprise. But he just stared them all back down. "Hey, it's Friday. I'm letting my hair down."

They had answered with closed mouthed smiles, not willing to argue with him. Duncan returned a few moments later with four beers and Matt's scotch and had dished out the beverages to his colleagues. As Matt accepted his small glass from Duncan, Jennifer found his other hand and held it on the edge of his trousered thigh. She had given it a quick squeeze and he'd turned to face her, acknowledging the effort. She smiled at him, her gaze a mixture of unexpecting concern and love, and when he had smiled back, plastering a look on his face that dissolved her concern instantly, she had thought nothing more of it. Sure, he didn't often drink the hard stuff, but he _was _right: it was Friday night, and it had been a hard week. Why shouldn't they let their hair down?

But then he had ordered another an hour later, and a third right before she was about to suggest to him that they head home. She'd sat quietly as she waited for him to finish the drink, occasionally chatting with Allie or Duncan, but mostly keeping to herself, just listening to the conversation around her. She watched Matt sip at his glass, and it suddenly occurred to her how pre disposed he could be to a problem, because his father had been, and his father's father. Plus he was in the kind of job where such an occurrence went hand in hand. The statistics were not in his favour. She had leaned forward in her seat then, ready to insist they leave.

The look in Matt's eyes was hazy, dreamy, intoxicated. Those three scotches had gone straight to his head. She had stood up and smiled down at her friends and placed a hand on Matt's back, between his shoulder blades. "We better go," she said firmly, hoping it wasn't obvious how much she wanted this little drinking session to end. It was not a culture she enjoyed at the best of times. But the situation had proved awkward and Matt looked up at her dumbly as if to say 'already?'. She just nodded firmly at him and he had struggled to his feet and left with his girlfriend.

When they had gotten back to Matt's car, Jennifer was further shocked to see Matt reach for his keys. She stepped right up to him and pulled them from his grip. "What are you doing Matty?" she tried to chuckle.

He had resisted at first, but then dropped the keys anyway, his intoxication clearly wreaking havoc with his reflexes. He bent over to pick them up off the ground and swayed a little, stumbling forward, missing the keys completely as he swung his hand down to retrieve them. Jennifer reached a hand around his bicep and bought him back up to standing, heaving a sigh, very keen to get home now. "I'm driving," she had said, leaving no room for argument. She was appalled in a way – even though she knew alcohol did all sorts of funny things to people, and their drunken behaviour was rarely a representation of their true selves, there were just some she still never expected to ever see this way. And it wasn't very enjoyable. And tonight, Matt was one of them.

"Oh Jennnnnnnnnn," he had slurred in response, breathing heavily, the fumes potent as they steamed out of his mouth. He leaned back against the car, trying to look suave, when really he looked like an embarrassment.

Jennifer had rolled her eyes and opened the back door, pushing him gently inside the vehicle. He fell through gratefully, clumsily folding himself into the back seat. She got in the driver's side and watched him stare blankly out the window as she drove them home. There were road works in the city, and the trip took twice as long as it normally did, as the car crept through Melbourne at a snail's pace. But Jennifer was glad – the lengthy car ride seemed to thankfully sober Matt up a little. By the time they walked through the front door, he was no longer swaying and no longer slurring his words like some trashed teenager. She had breathed out a small sigh of relief.

He'd headed to the bathroom whilst she'd headed to the bedroom, and as she pulled off her shoes and took off her jewellery, she could hear Matt trying to clean himself up. He would probably be in there a while, she had thought to herself. Hopefully he would have a shower. But as she was standing at the bureau getting changed, she heard the bathroom door open and turned around to see him walking into the room.

He smiled at her as he approached, drinking in her form. When he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around her from the back, his warm hands breezing over her skin lovingly. He tucked his chin into the space between her shoulder and her neck, nuzzling into her jaw, whispering how much he loved her. She had smiled, wondering if it was still the alcohol talking, and leaned back into his embrace, forgetting how uneasy she had felt about his actions earlier in the night. And then only moments later they had been in bed, her helping him out of his shirt and tie, and him peeling off her black lingerie and turning out the bedside lamps.

His alcoholic breath wafted around her when he kissed her, and his body felt grimy and unclean, but she ignored it, feeling frisky and utterly desired by Matt as he made love to her in a short burst of animal affection before they both succumbed to sleep. She laid in his arms as he breathed heavily against her in slumber, his mouth open just a crack, and decided she could live with any flaws this man might have. Nobody was perfect all the time.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

When her 37th birthday hit in June she had completely forgotten about Nick. That was until a pink envelope arrived on her desk mid afternoon. She eagerly ripped it open, thinking it to be a sweet card from Matt specially delivered. But it wasn't.

His words were achingly formal, but still heartfelt, and her brain squealed upon reading them, shocked to be hearing from him.

_Happy Birthday Jen. Here's wishing you a great day and a prosperous year to follow. Nick._

They'd not spoken for more than a year and a half. In fact they'd had no contact at all since he'd left. So this birthday card felt incredibly out of the blue, yet at the same time she was incredibly touched. He was still thinking of her, and he still remembered her birthday. She just stared at the card for a few moments, still reeling, and then tucked it into her handbag, slipping it deep down to the bottom to lie in amongst the five cent pieces and the business cards that littered the space there.

The receiving of the card proved to be the last good moment of her day. She and Matt hosted a dinner for her birthday at their house that night, inviting the Homicide crew over, and they enjoyed a pleasant meal and pleasant dinner time conversation until the topic moved onto a case they were currently working on that involved the abduction and murder of two children. Matt held his glass aloft as he spoke animatedly with his colleagues, and they spoke just as animatedly back until Matt became too hot under the colour to reason with anymore. The speaking turned into argument and Jennifer watched as the festive atmosphere around her dissolved as quickly as the liquid did in Matt's glass. She frowned, noticing her friends begin to look uncomfortable as they listened to Matt on his soapbox.

"Matt…" she began, placing a hand over his on the table top.

But he wouldn't let her stop him. "No Jen!" he shook off her hand. "This bloke got away with it for too long! How must that mother have felt? Never knowing what her husband did to their kids until months after he'd killed them? And the whole time he lied to her, making her believe that someone else had kidnapped them?"

"But Matt, we've put him away now," Duncan tried.

"So what? The deed's been done!" Matt retorted. "Those kids are still dead. He still ruined lives!"

Jennifer was shocked at how he just got more and more passionate about every case they worked on. It was starting to get out of hand. At the conclusion of each case, since probably as far back as Christmas, he just couldn't switch off. He couldn't let go of the verdict. It was getting worse and worse and she tried desperately to reach out to him and bring him back down to a reasonable level.

"We did all we could Matty," she said quietly.

But it didn't help. It was like he hadn't even heard her. He just stood up and went to pour himself another drink, continuing his tirade. The group just stared at him, some visibly squirming in their seats, and soon made moves to end the night. Within half an hour they had all left, and Jennifer washed dishes angrily as Matt sat at the table folding a napkin over and over.

He might've been drunk but he knew she was mad at him just by the way she wasn't speaking. He sighed at the table, trying to gather his thoughts. "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday," he said quietly, his voice full of remorse.

She turned around from her place at the sink and looked at him pointedly. "You didn't ruin it," she replied. "But you didn't make it good either."

He nodded sombrely, knowing she was right and wishing he'd not drunk so much. "I'm sorry," he said again.

She exhaled loudly, trying to grapple with her emotions. She thought back to Nick's thoughtful card that she'd received only hours earlier in the day.

"Why do you need to deal with everything with a drink in your hand Matt?" she asked him hotly. She folded her arms across her chest and stared him down.

Under her gaze he felt about three inches tall, and sunk further into the chair in humiliation. "I don't," he replied weakly.

"Yes you do!" The frown was deep on her face now.

He felt the alcohol he'd drunk rising again within him, giving him another boost of confidence and power in the argument suddenly. "So what if I do anyway Jen? What the hell's wrong with that?"

"You don't see anything wrong with that?" she asked. "Really?"

He shook his head, challenging her. He stood up and undid the top buttons of his shirt, freeing his fired up neck and chest. "We all have to find some way of coping Jen."

She wasn't going to give up. "And you think the best way of coping is by downing a few scotch's?" Her voice rose. "It's not even coping anyway Matt – you take things too personally…you feel them too deeply. You need to distance yourself sometimes…"

"Are you telling me how to manage my work?"

"We have the same job Matt!" she exploded. "I understand you. We work side by side on the same cases, everyday. I can see what is happening to you! You can't seem to see it, but I can!"

"Everyone has different ways of working Jen," he yelled. She brushed past him, not wanting to continue the argument when he wasn't going to see reason, and especially not when he was drunk.

Matt followed her out of the kitchen and into the living room, still fuming. "Don't try to categorise me! We're different!"

"We are not Matt!" she hissed. "I take care of you, you take care of me…we should be tackling things together. You don't need to find solutions in a bottle!" Couldn't he see how much his drinking upset her? Did he actually like seeing her like this?! She continued to walk away, through the living room and down the hallway. He followed hot at her heels.

When she got to the staircase she spun around again to face him, speaking her words with sincerity and pain. "You are so much better than this – don't let yourself become that guy who can only deal with a hard day by going and having a drink."

Matt saw red, certain she already saw him that way. She turned away from him to head up the stairs, and to stop her he grabbed at her forearm, not finished with the argument. The alcohol he'd drunk still swirled around his insides like rocket fuel ready to launch something powerful. "Don't judge me! You have no idea how I feel!"

"Get your hand off me!" she spat out hotly. She twisted her arm out of his grip, but he had a strong hold on her and she had to wrench it hard to free herself. So hard in fact that the force heaved onto her body when she escaped his grasp threw her balance off and her left foot slid off the stair she was standing on, sending her sprawling. She hit the staircase with a bone crunching thump on her hip bone and she struggled to not slide all the way back down to the first floor, a few steps below.

Matt stared at her in shock for the few seconds she sat hunched on the stairs, her body shocked into paralysis for a brief moment as the pain throbbed from her side and she squeezed her eyes shut.

You close your eyes

And hope that this is just imagination

He stood uselessly before her as she got herself up and looked at him with the most hurt expression he'd ever seen emanate from her face. She stalked up the stairs and away from him, not looking back, her hand resting on her hip, rubbing it to ease the pain from her fall.

She walked to the bedroom and over to her side of the bed, turning on the bedside lamp as she sat down a top the doona. She quickly undid the button and the zip of her jeans and pulled the fabric down just enough to reveal her hip bone. She looked down at it, and couldn't suppress her gasp when she saw it was already a redy purpley colour. She knew tomorrow it would look even worse.

She stood up again, changed, and got back into the bed and turned out the light. She didn't brush her teeth or wash off her make up. She just crawled under the covers and pulled them all the way up to her ears, creating a cocoon for herself. As she lay in the darkness she listened for Matt but heard nothing. She didn't care right then what he was doing downstairs anyway. She didn't know what to do. They had never fought like this before. And he'd certainly never made a grab for her. Even if it was the alcohol, she never thought he'd ever do that. Her mind screamed with all the things she should do now. Stay? Go spend the night at a friends? Or her Mums? Go back down and confront him? Wait til they had both cooled off and talk in the morning? She felt hot tears forming in her eyes as she lay hunched in the darkness under the doona trying to decide.

In the end she decided to stay exactly where she was. But it took her hours to fall asleep. Matt didn't come upstairs at all that night. Jennifer dreaded the morning arriving, because she didn't know what she would say to him, nor him to her. Maybe he wouldn't even be downstairs when she went down in the morning?

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew

All the things you'd say, that were never true, never true

All the games you'd play, you would always win always win

When dawn broke and Jennifer woke from a fitful few hours sleep, she reluctantly wrapped her cardigan around herself and went downstairs. When she reached the last few steps of the staircase, the same place she had fallen the night before, she stopped and looked out into the kitchen from where she stood. Matt sat at the table, still wearing the clothes he'd had on the night before, but now they were crumpled and slept in. She cast an eye over to the living room and saw a blanket and cushions lying haphazardly on the couch. His shoes sat beside the coffee table and his watch was folded neatly on top of it next to the tv guide. She hesitantly walked down the last few steps and into the kitchen.

There Matt sat with his legs spread apart. He rested his elbows on his knees and drooped his head so that he was staring at the floor between his feet. In his hands he held a small blue box, and he turned it over and over until he looked up and saw her, and then he held it still. He stood up as she entered the room, nervous and full of regret in front of her.

"Jen."

She just looked up at him, the hurt still present in her stare.

"I'm sorry," he apologised, his voice small and full of remorse. "I…I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I hurt you. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't have happened." He fell all over himself in his apology, even though deep down he knew no amount of words would ever make up for it. "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry." His words just blurted out of his mouth, as if saying it enough times might make the impact of his apologies more meaningful.

She nodded her head slightly and sat down in the chair next to his. He took her lead and sat down again too and looked at her as she propped her head up with her hand wearily. She just had no words, even now, the morning after.

Matt took a deep breath and spoke again, trying to catch her eyes with his own, but being unsuccessful. He held out the box to her. "I never got to give you your birthday present," he whispered. "Here."

She finally looked up at him and then down at the box. She took it and held it limply in her hands, taking her time before she opened it. When she finally pried open the hinged box she at last was able to speak. Inside the box was a delicate silver necklace, a sparkling cupid's bow and arrow charm dangling from it. It glittered in the morning sunlight, dazzling her for a moment. "It's gorgeous," she breathed, still looking at it.

Matt nodded, a tiny part of him pleased she thought it was gorgeous. She placed the box on the table and carefully pulled the necklace from its confines in the box. Not knowing what else to do, she held it out to Matt, silently asking him to put it on for her. He gratefully obliged, holding the necklace in his large hands and fumbling for a second to open the clasp. Then he stood up and over Jennifer, placing it around her neck and securing it underneath her hair at the nape of her neck. As he stepped away and sat back down she fingered the piece of jewellery with hovering hands.

"Do you like it?" Matt asked.

She nodded, still touching the shimmer of silver at her throat with her fingertips. "It's gorgeous," she said again and found herself leaning forward in her chair so she could kiss Matt in thanks. He leant forward too, disbelieving she would let him kiss her after the previous nights events, but willing to do it if she was. They touched lips hesitantly for a quick second. It was nothing like the steamy, melt into you kisses Jennifer loved to receive from Matt in the past, but it was a kiss nonetheless.

Matt felt like he had at least partly been forgiven.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Their lives looked like they belonged in a magazine. A beautiful house for two – all Nick's own buying – a nice car, good friends, the hero policeman, the stunning girlfriend who stood always at his side. Nick wondered some days how he could ask for more. His move had been so sudden, such a snap decision, and while he did not for a moment regret it, he wondered how he got so lucky to have it all work out the way that it had. Because it was damn on perfect.

He'd met Summer through a colleague, at one of the only pubs in town, and hadn't been able to take his eyes off her since. She'd been up front and talkative in a way he wasn't used to, not shy or guarded in how she spoke to him, like city women often were, too jaded and weary of men after being treated poorly in the past. Startled by it at first, he found himself liking it not long after. She was so likeable that everyone seemed to love her. She moved with ease through every crowd, greeted everyone with a smile and never hesitated to tell Nick just how much she loved him. It had been a whirlwind romance, but he was happy.

Summer Christensen was only 29 – in her prime really – and she gave him a giddy feeling of being that young again too whenever he was with her. She'd grown up in Belgrave, worked on her parents farm, gone to the city for university, then moved back and turned her parents property into a thriving business in a way her father hadn't been able to in the thirty years in which he'd owned it. Her time at university though hadn't tarnished her – she was still wholesome and friendly and seemed so easily able to detangle Nick's thoughts for him whenever he couldn't do it himself. Soon after they began seeing each other and he noticed this priceless quality she possessed, he realised that all women were probably like this – it was just that he'd never really dated anyone that wasn't somehow connected to the force. So he'd never been with anyone whose thoughts and principles and morals were any less tangled than his. Summer eased the pressure.

They were happy around town too, she introducing him to many new friends. Where formerly in Melbourne he had always kept a tight knit circle of friends, them all almost exclusively coppers like himself, their blood stained blue for life, in Belgrave he became friends with everyone from the local junior footy coach to Summer's older brothers and guys she and her siblings had gone to school with. Of course he also had friends in the force too, but Belgrave was such a welcome step down in so many ways from Melbourne. Per capita of course it naturally meant less work, simply because not as many crimes were committed. But the atmosphere in the office was so much less fraught, so much less tense. There was far less looking over your shoulder, far less yelling and screaming and getting hot under the collar done in the interview room. It was just like a breath of fresh air for Nick. It was exactly what he'd needed.

And now things were going so well with Summer he was contemplating asking her to move in. He finished up at work on the Friday night and headed straight back to his place afterwards, grateful, as he was everyday, that he did not have to battle the kind of peak hour traffic he used to in Melbourne, and quickly changed out of his work clothes and into a comfortable pair of trackpants and his favourite tshirt before happily diving head first into the kitchen. He cracked open a beer, set it on the bench by the stove and got to work making dinner for his lady love.

When she arrived just before seven, the Thai green curry he'd concocted was bubbling away tantalisingly on the stove, on the cusp of being served up. He just needed to cook the rice, but he let that task go to open the door for her.

"Hey babe," she purred stepping inside. "How was your day?" She reached up and cupped his face in her hands and kissed him hard on the mouth. She had a flurry of affectionate nicknames that she called him, some stupider and more cringeworthy than others, but he found himself now able to laugh at them. It'd taken a while to get used to them, him so used to being serious and heavy handed with his affection, but now he loved them, enjoying the lightness and frivolity that they bought to the life he shared with Summer.

Nick smiled as they parted lips a moment later and slipped a hand around her waist as they walked into the kitchen together. "Great," he replied as she settled on a stool at the kitchen island and he went back to the stove, giving the curry another stir. "I finally found out the dates I'm going to Melbourne for that criminal profiling course I'm doing." He was pleased, if a little apprehensive about the course. Pleased that he finally knew when it would be, and that he would be finally getting to do something he had an interest in that was slightly away from Homicide. But apprehensive that it meant a trip back to Melbourne for a week, back to where he had previously experienced so much hurt, and where he hadn't been for more than eighteen months. He would've been perfectly happy if the course was in Bendigo or Geelong, or even Sydney, but no, it had to be in Melbourne. Of _course _it did.

Summer grinned back, her face lighting up. "Ohhhh when?" she asked. She was so supportive, and he was forever grateful. He'd often thought she would make the perfect policeman's wife. Good with her hands, able to handle fourteen things at once, business minded, but still community minded. He could see her as head of the CWA at the same time as she was riding a motorbike around a paddock herding up cattle. And she could manage all that whilst at the same time looking stunning, which Nick saw as an enviable bonus. She was long and lithe, tall, like a rhythmic gymnast almost, with cascading brown hair that always had a slight wave in it and blue grey eyes that looked like they belonged to someone much older than she. But they were beautiful, and Nick never had any trouble looking her in the eye whenever they were speaking. She had a way of welcoming him into her soul with those eyes, and he loved that. She seemed to have a year round tan, no doubt because of all the time she spent outside, and her soft hands betrayed the notion that she worked hard on a farm each day. She was a model really, able to grace the covers of a magazine or a clothing catalogue, and he felt lucky to have her.

"The Thursday after next," he answered, placing a Tupperware dish full of rice into the microwave and setting it to cook after he closed the door. He turned back to the curry, turning off the heat and placing a glass top lid on top of the pan, keeping the heat in until their rice was ready.

Summer nodded, taking in the information. "That'll be good actually," she said. "I've got to get cracking on the tax stuff about then – I'll get it done while you're not here. No distractions…" She grinned cheekily at him, and he knew exactly what she was hinting at. He grinned just as cheekily back and pulled out bowls and cutlery from the drawers underneath the island.

"Big job this year?" he asked, knowing she hated this time of year. She'd much rather be out doing the physical work than crunching numbers inside at a desk. She was a country girl through and through.

She nodded, letting out a small sigh. "Oh yeah," she replied, running a hand through her hair right from the crown to the very end of the strands. "Dad let all that stuff slide for so long Nick, you wouldn't believe it." She walked to his fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, one finger still twisting her hair at the ends. She pointed the neck of the bottle at him as she continued speaking. "Will you get me a glass?"

He complied and handed one to her as she sat back down on her stool, unscrewing the lid. "I got a lot done last year, scraped it all through, but it still needs more cleaning up to get to the standard I want it to be at."

"Your father's just like you," Nick smiled, taking another swig of his beer. "Rather be getting your boots dirty wouldn't ya?"

"You know it." She smiled and leaned over the counter to kiss him before settling back with her glass of wine as he dished up their meal.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Allie?"

"Yeah?" the young brunette's eyes rose from the level of her cereal bowl. She was shovelling the milk soaked flakes into her mouth hungrily, her upper body hunched over the bowl as she always ate it, reading the paper at the same time.

"You realise it's four in the afternoon right?"

Allie rose her eyes even further. "Yeah?"

"And you're eating cereal."

"So?" She couldn't see the light side Jennifer was trying to project.

Jennifer shrugged, dropping it. She didn't have the energy to make Allie understand her joke. She moved on, gulping down the last of her tea. "Have you seen Matt?"

Allie shook her head, her eyes already back on the headlines and the spoon already back in her mouth.

Jennifer sighed. "He's supposed to be taking me to pick my car up from the mechanic on the way home this arvo," she explained, even though Allie wasn't really listening. "I bet he's gone out on some job." She couldn't help but feel a little annoyed.

Allie sat up straight and looked at Jen. "Oh nah," she said suddenly. "He's already left for the day."

Jennifer frowned, placing her cup in the sink and turning on the tap. "What?"

Allie nodded, swallowing her food. "Yeah," she answered. "I heard him say to Duncan he was meeting some old academy buddies for Friday drinks and that he was hoping to go early enough to beat the crush at the bar."

Jennifer exhaled, angry he had forgotten what he'd promised her. "Great," she said under her breath.

"Want me to take you to the mechanic?" Allie asked helpfully. "I knock off in fifteen."

Jennifer shook her head, wiping her mug dry with a ratty tea towel. "No no, it's fine. I'll just call Matt and get him to come and get me before he's had too many." The way she described his drinking habits seemed normal to her, but the abnormality of it caught Allie's attention.

She sat back, folding the paper in half and resting her elbow on the top wrung of the chair, her body turned to face her colleague. "Matt goes out drinking a fair bit these days hey?" she ventured.

Jennifer didn't know what to say. "Oh you know, only when there's something special on."

Allie scoffed. "Oh because we wrap up cases successfully so rarely that he has to down half a dozen scotches to celebrate every single one?" She was never one to hold back, but it hurt Jennifer to hear her speak so poorly of Matt. She placed her bowl in the sink and walked away without washing it. "Don't kid yourself Jen. He drinks too much."

Jennifer opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out so she shut it again. She watched Allie walk from the room.

Half an hour later Jennifer's phone beeped with a text message and she read it eagerly, hoping it'd be Matt. But it was Allie.

'Sorry I was such a bitch before. Tell me to mind my own business next time. If you still need a lift tonight, let me know.'

Jennifer sighed and exited the message before dialling Matt's number again. She held the phone to her ear and listened to it ring out. "Dammit," she muttered under her breath. She held the phone out in front of her again and dialled another number before bringing it back up to her ear.

"Hi Kyle," she said a moment later. "It's Jennifer Mapplethorpe again." She smiled, forcing the smile into her voice. "Yeah I'm good thanks. Listen, I won't be able to pick up my car today. I've been held up at work. I'm really sorry. Can I come and get it first thing tomorrow?"

She nodded at his answer on the other end of the line. "Great, thanks a million. Seeya."

She threw the phone into her handbag and then looked around the office. It was not even five yet and there were still a few of her colleagues milling around. But she didn't want to bother anyone and ask for a lift to the mechanic. No, because then she'd have to explain where Matt was and why he wasn't taking her. And Matt was not her favourite person right now so she definitely didn't want to talk about him.

She packed up her belongings and left not much later, walking up the street and to the intersection where she joined the throng of city commuters waiting for the tram. The little strip of roadside where they waited was crowded and noisy, with the honking of cars around them and the pounding of the occasional stereo inside a hotted up car that drove past. Jennifer was not a snob, but she remembered then why she preferred driving to taking public transport. She pulled her trench coat tighter around her to protect her from the biting winter wind and crinkled her nose at the smell that wafted past her nostrils as she stood waiting for the tram. She eyed off her fellow commuters, wondering which one of them had created the unpleasant stench. _Hurry up tram _she thought.

When she finally got home almost two hours later it had just started to rain, and she hurried across the front lawn after getting off the bus at the stop at the end of the street. She bustled up the walk and hastily shoved her key in the front door before stepping gratefully inside, just as it started to pour. She peeled off her coat and hung it on the hat stand by the door handle, then walked straight into the bathroom, keen for a hot shower.

When she got out she checked her phone for any sign of life from Matt, but there was none. She didn't know what to think. And Allie's words turning over and over in her mind weren't helping. She wasn't being a bitch, Jen thought to herself as she made herself some dinner. She was just being honest.

She tussled with an inner conversation with herself as she made her meal, going backwards and forwards between defending Matt and blaming him. Allie was right, but she also didn't know Matt the way Jen did. She didn't see Matt every single day. But she'd clearly seen enough instances of him having drunk too much to prompt her to make a comment on it. Jennifer wanted desperately to discuss it with someone who would be totally impartial. She made the decision to go and see Stanley on Monday. Confidentially.

By eleven Jennifer was asleep on the couch, the tv playing softly in the background. She only stirred when she heard a car door slam outside. Lifting her head she looked out the front window and saw Matt stumbling across the lawn, barely able to keep up right, a taxi pulling away from the driveway behind him.

Jennifer rolled her eyes as she got up and turned the front light on for him, so he wouldn't break his neck approaching the house. She even opened the front door and waited for him to walk inside, just watching him with a look of disdain.

He fell through the door decidedly ungracefully, breezing right past her and into the living room before he realised someone had actually held the door open for him and he hadn't unlocked it or opened it himself. He looked at her, letting his head fall to the side, a silly grin on his face.

"Jennifer." He walked up to her and slipped his arm around her waist, drawing her in close to him, and pushed his lips onto hers sloppily.

Jennifer was repulsed, able to taste the alcohol on his tongue. It was harsh and strong and she felt nauseous for a second. "Get off me Matt," she pleaded, pushing him away and walking into the kitchen.

Matt was left standing in the entry way, confused. He plodded after her into the kitchen, dropping his phone and wallet on the kitchen table. "What's the matter Jennnn?" he asked, pouting his lips and looking at her dazedly.

She stood at the sink and filled a glass with water. She shoved it at him, not caring that some of it sloshed onto his overcoat. "Here. Sober up," she said, leaving him again and heading for the stairs to go up to bed.

Matt called out after her. "Why're you so uptight tonight Jen?"

She just ignored him and continued climbing the stairs, but when she got to the top she stopped and turned around, looking down at where he was swaying on the first floor. "You were supposed to take me to pick up my car this afternoon Matty," she spat out. "Conveniently forgot that little favour didn't you? Going out and getting rat faced with your academy buddies couldn't have waited an extra half an hour!"

The recognition at last came over his face and he frowned, realising his broken promise. "Oh Jen," he heaved. "I'm sorry. I totally forgot."

"Thought so," she muttered as she walked away and towards the bedroom.

Matt started walking up the stairs, not able to hear her mutterings, and wanting to. He followed her into the bedroom, still apologising. "Look I'm really sorry okay Jen? It just slipped my mind…Greg and Kerry and all the guys are all back in town this weekend. They were on at me all day to go and meet them. I couldn't say no."

Jennifer just blew him off, sighing loudly in front of him as she stood by the closet. "It's too late now," she insisted. "Don't worry about it." She turned back to the wardrobe, wanting to find her favourite blazer to wear the following day, ignoring him completely.

Her cold shoulder only served to infuriate Matt, burning a rage deep within his belly. He grabbed her upper arm roughly, just above her elbow, and pulled her around to face him.

"Ow!" she squealed. "Matt-" She looked at him in horror.

"I just forgot all right Jen!" he exclaimed, his voice rising, almost unaware she had even just spoken in pain. "It's not the end of the world! I'll take you tomorrow!"

"Matt," she tried to shrink away from him, but his strong hand still held her arm tightly. The blood rushed through her veins beneath his grip, pumping furiously, constricted unexpectedly.

"Why do you have to make such a big deal of everything these days Jen?" he continued, his voice almost roaring now, shattering the calm midnight air. "Why can I not do anything right?!"

Jen studied his face, searching for the caring beautiful man she had fallen for more than a year ago, and wondering where, in amongst all the worry lines and frowns, he had disappeared to.

"Matt let go of me," she whispered. Her voice was frightened, but she knew not so much because he had a firm grip on her but because she didn't think she'd ever be the type of woman to be in a situation like this. A strong, experienced, independent female detective like herself would be the last person anybody would think would let a man handle her like this. She held her breath, hoping and waiting for him to loosen his grip.

But he just pulled her further around to face him. She could still smell the alcohol on his breath, and it was like a complete picture of the worst drinking could bring out in a person. It took over every one of his senses. The volume of his voice, the smell of the scotch he'd drunk, his dishevelled appearance, the brutality of his hold. It was a frightening and formidable shadow that loomed large over her in the bedroom.

"Is this about Nick?" he asked her, shaking her for an answer.

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't find you hung up on somebody that you used to know

She recoiled, hearing a name she hadn't even thought about, let alone said out loud, in months. "What?" she gasped.

"It is, isn't it?!" he bellowed, taking her answer as confirmation. "I can't believe this! I'll never live up to him will I!"

He'd stopped shaking her, but now she alone was shaking like a leaf from the intensity of the confrontation. "What?" she whispered again. "Where did you pull that one from?"

Matt opened his mouth, ready to snarl out an answer, but no words came out. Instead he just looked her dead in the eye, his penetrating gaze as terrifying as any words could be. They stared at each other for an entire minute before Matt spoke finally. "It's not nice having to compete for your affections Jen."

She squeezed her eyes shut for a minute, her arm now tingling, still under his iron grip. She wished desperately that he would let her go, but it was like he wasn't even aware he still had a hold of her, nor how tight his grip was. "What are you talking about Matt?" she asked, her face contorted. Her shoulders rose in explanation as her eyebrows rose also. She shook her head at him. "You're not competing with anyone!"

"Don't bullshit me Jen!" He growled so low and menacingly that finally Jennifer did become frightened. She had never seen Matt like this, nor ever expected it from him. "Nick Buchanan will always be the bench mark."

And with that he shoved her away from him and against the wardrobe. He turned on his heel away from her, beginning to take off his overcoat. Jennifer slammed into the wooden shelving on the right side of the open closet, the skin of her arm grazing against the smooth finish of the middle shelf. The pain was so intense it took her breath away.

She couldn't stop a sob that fell out of her mouth as she righted herself and stood up straight again, recovering from the shove. The pain hit her again and again, her arm screaming at her despairingly. She cradled her right arm in her left, cupping her fingers around the ball of her elbow joint, barely able to feel her own fingers on her own skin she was in such shock. A few hot stinging tears welled in her eyes, but didn't spill over as she looked dumbfounded at Matt. She couldn't even blink as she stared at him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"It's all about Nick." Matt spoke to himself, loosening his tie and pulling it off as he looked at his feet. "It's always about Nick." He stood up again and finally looked back at Jen. His face changed as he realised she wasn't speaking. "Jen." He took a step towards her.

She held her ground, not taking a step backwards. "Get away from me," she breathed shakily. "Just…get out of this room." She put a hand up beside her face, holding it tight and strong, not letting Matt speak. "I am not sleeping beside you tonight."

He spoke not a word as he left the room.

"Just get out," she whispered again, looking down at her aching arm as he disappeared from her view, out the door.

The following morning Jennifer woke naturally, without the aid of an alarm, and was surprised to find it already 9am. She'd obviously needed the rest. As she thought this the previous nights altercation came rushing back into her head, making the pain in her arm radiate again, making her remember it was there. She screwed up her face and slid out of bed and to the en suite and directly into the shower. It wasn't until she got out that she dared study herself in the mirror. She swiped a hand across its steamy misted up surface a few times then looked at her reflection.

It was what it always was. A thin woman, with what some would say was a bony chest and protruding collar bones, but that was how she had always looked. Her hair hung like it always did and her complexion was how it always was in winter: a bit on the dry side, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if she'd just slap on a heavier moisturiser once in a while.

No, the only thing that was different in the reflection was the bruise on her arm. It was just a bit smaller than the size of a mobile phone, and it sat smack in the centre between her wrist and her elbow. It was an impressively dark purple shade, with bursts of blue and red sprouting out its edges. She pressed a finger into it to test the pain rating, and then quickly withdrew it, feeling it hurt instantly.

She shuffled a little to the left so that she could catch a glimpse of her upper right arm, where he had grabbed her and saw there too, markings that wouldn't let her forget what happened last night. The bruising was not as dark as on her forearm, but it was still dark enough that she could see exactly where each of his fingers had been as they'd gripped her tightly. She swallowed hard, gulping down the lump in her throat, and walked out of the bathroom.

When she got dressed a few minutes later she chose her clothing carefully. Her hands bypassed the favourite blazer she was searching for last night and opted instead for a nautical inspired navy one. She did up the single gold button at the front, bringing the two sides of the jacket together and then pulled the sleeves down, unrolling the cuffs she'd made the last time she'd worn it. The sleeves were long enough now to cover her bruise. _Good_ she thought. No one could see it. She didn't need to explain her private life to anyone if she didn't want to. And she didn't want to.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Half an hour later Jennifer and Matt sat side by side in a taxi that was taking them to the mechanic. Even though he'd said last night that he would take her to pick up her car in the morning, he'd only remembered later that he had left his car at Homicide, having drunk too much to drive it home after he'd been to the bar. He couldn't have driven her even if he'd wanted to. So he'd called a taxi and they sat in the back together, not speaking. They'd not said a single word to each other all morning.

When they arrived, Jennifer got out quickly, leaving Matt to pay. But he didn't, instead getting out too, and walking to the front of the car.

"Jen."

She looked at him. "Don't wait for me," she said quietly. "Take the taxi back, and I'll drive my car by myself."

He couldn't argue, so simply got back into the taxi and did as she said.

Once she had paid the mechanic she got into her little car and drove it directly to Homicide. She parked it in the furtherest corner she could, out of view of almost all the other cars in the carpark and turned off the ignition. And then she started to cry.

Once she was done, had blown her nose and wiped her eyes and waited long enough so that her eyes were no longer red rimmed or glassy looking, she got out and headed up towards the Homicide floor and walked directly to Stanley's office, hoping against hope that he would be there, finishing up paper work, as he often did on Saturday mornings.

She knocked, and waited nervously, knowing she couldn't put off this meeting til Monday, but oh so wanting to put it off forever.

"Come in," came his voice.

Jennifer entered tentatively, putting a smile on her face and sitting down opposite him. "How are ya Sarge?" she asked casually.

"Fine thankyou Jennifer," he replied, his tone never wavering from the consumate professional he always was. "I'm surprised to see you here on a weekend…isn't it your RDO? Is everything all right?" As usual, he got right to the crux of it all. No messing around. Usually she admired this in Stanley Wolfe, but today she felt it forcing her.

"Everything's…" she almost said _fine _but changed her mind. "…not fine."

"What is it Jennifer?"

She took a sharp breath in and put a hand to her forehead, covering her eyes for a moment. "I'm worried about Matt. I think he's got a problem."

Stanley didn't need to hear anymore. A recovering alcoholic himself, he could sense the tone, hear the unsaid words. He knew exactly what kind of problem she was referring to. He leaned into his desk more, sliding his paperwork aside and looking with care at his detective. "What's happened Jennifer?"

She pressed her lips together tightly, unsure of how to explain what she was feeling. She considered for a moment showing her boss the bruises that marked her skin, but just as quickly quashed that idea. It wasn't necessary. "He's just…drinking too much, too often."

"He's using it to cope with the job?" Stanley asked.

Jennifer nodded. "And life."

"Has anything else happened?" he pressed gently. He locked his gaze on her and she tried her best to not drop it, giving her game away completely.

She shook her head. "I'm just worried." She stood up suddenly. "I don't _want_ anything else to happen Sarge."

Stanley could sense her unease and stood up too, hoping to keep her in the room. "Jennifer –"

But she was already making for the door. "Can you just talk to him Sarge?"

"Jennifer –"

"Please. He'll listen to you."

When she finally returned home later that day, it was well after lunch, but Matt was waiting for her. As soon as she walked through the door he looked up from his place on the couch and begged at her with his eyes as he spoke. "Please Jen." He was pleading already. "Please come and sit down." He gestured to the space beside him weakly.

She placed her bag on the coffee table and did as he asked. She looked at him, waiting for him to begin.

He took a shaky breath in before he could get any words out. "I'm not going to say sorry anymore Jen," he began, shrugging his shoulders. "'Cos it's meaningless the more times I say it. It doesn't…" he flung his hands up a little in frustration in his lap. "It doesn't explain my remorse enough, just saying sorry."

Jennifer had to agree. His words made her think back to a book she'd been reading where a Greek character had said Australian's used the word sorry like a chant. Sorry sorry sorry. The words dropped easily from Matt's lips, but they meant nothing. The Greek man in the book was right.

"You make it sound like this will happen again," she whispered. "Like you'll just keep doing these things and you'll never say sorry for anything."

Matt's chin quivered as he looked at her, shattered and full of remorse. "It's not going to happen again. I promise you."

"You promised me last time Matt." She didn't even notice the tears spilling down her cheeks. They fell of their own free will.

"I know." He hung his head, so ashamed.

Her heart strings suitably tugged seeing his pathetic stature in front of her, she reached out and took ahold of one of his hands.

"I love you so much Jen," he revealed. "Every moment of every day."

She looked at him forlornly, knowing he meant it. "I know you do." She flopped back against the couch cushions. "And I love you. But you're different," she admitted. "You're so different now."

He wrapped his other hand around their joined hands. "I'm not Jen, I'm not," he tried to insist. He gulped back his own tears, his mouth and chin dimpling and curling, trying to keep in the agony he was feeling. "Please. I love you."

Jennifer was speechless. She just looked at his broken face, so certain she was about to dump him. She reached a hand out to stroke his cheek and he looked at her hopefully. "I thought we might have a baby," he said quietly.

Jennifer frowned further, her head falling to the side. She exhaled and shook her head at him. "No Matt," she replied. "A baby is not going to fix this. A baby is not going to fix _us._"

He knew she was right. He'd reached for the band aid solution, even though he knew as well as anyone that band aid solutions did not work. He knew not what to do now.

Luckily she bought his lips to hers as a way of reassuring him. "But I'm not going to give up on you," she whispered kissing him and then resting her forehead against his, watching his eyes as they seemed unable to meet hers for all the shame and humiliation he felt.

It's nice to have someone so honestly devoted

But when it's said and done, girl I hope you know that

Composed, later that afternoon they headed east of the city to visit Callum Ryan in his nursing home, as they often did on the weekends. Jennifer knew it was something Matt felt to be very important, to see his father regularly, before age and ill health got the better of him and he no longer recognised them or appreciated their small efforts to see him.

They sat outside on two benches under a large shady tree. Callum seemed lost in thought and Jennifer wondered if he spent more of his days with his memories of life than in the present. She sat beside Matt on the bench opposite the old man and participated in the slow conversation just like normal. Matt rested his hand on her thigh, again just like normal, and occasionally gave it an affectionate, unconscious rub. As the afternoon wore on, she actually found herself enjoying the close contact somewhat: it was a nice reminder of how much they were in love with each other when their actions and caresses and contact could be so second nature and carried out without thinking. She placed her hand over his in the afternoon sunlight and their fingers slipped effortlessly together, intertwining smoothly.

Still, when they said goodbye later, hugging the old man, his level of unawareness – though he wasn't the only one of course who was so totally unaware of how Matt and Jen's relationship was these days – only served to remind her of the situation she was now living with. Callum looked at the couple so innocently, unable to think his child would ever do wrong and repeat his own mistakes.

"It's so good to see you kids doing so well," Callum mumbled proudly as he walked them back to the driveway at the front of the home. "At least Matty's not a drunk like I was," he said. "He'd never get on the turps and hit you or nothing."

Jennifer just smiled silently. _If only you knew Callum. If only you knew._

Matt got quickly into the drivers seat of his car, unable to meet his father's eye and agree with what he'd just said. Jennifer slipped quickly into the passenger seat, following suit, eager to get away from the unease.

"Go on inside Dad," Matt called out through his open car window. "It's cold out here now. We'll see you next week."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The night before Nick was due to go to Melbourne he laid in bed alone, without Summer, and felt grateful for the solitude for once in his life. She was at the farm, already knee deep in her tax, and had apologised for not spending time with him that night. She'd promised to come by in the morning before he left, but he was indifferent. She did not need to be at his beck and call, which was why he laid in bed alone enjoying the quietness of the night.

When he had first moved away from Melbourne, the night time had been the worst. He so hated to sleep alone. Sleeping alone reminded him only of the low times in his life – when he was a child, during his teen years, and even into adulthood when he had been single. All those times he had slept without sharing his bed with another person. Sleeping alone made him feel defenceless, weak, unprepared for life: like he hadn't gone out yet and become strong, met people, formed relationships so deep that he could sleep beside a beautiful woman, a trusted friend.

And so the time between moving to Belgrave and meeting Summer had been like a prison term – lengthy and lonesome, with no idea when it would ever end and get better. He'd missed Jennifer terribly, having become so accustomed to falling asleep next to her, feeling her small, warm body move up and down, breathing in time with his own breaths. To have lost that connection so suddenly was a huge upheaval – like deciding to sleep during the day and be awake all night. It was a tremendous struggle.

The night before he left for Melbourne though, she was again on his mind, this time for the first time in months. He'd slipped a pretty card he'd found in Bob Webber's newsagency into a pink envelope and sent it to her for her birthday, thinking nothing of it other than that she deserved a card on her birthday, no matter how they had ended things. He hadn't been able to send her a card the previous year, too hurt and still too devastated at their split to make such a gesture, but this year he had. But that was the last time he'd thought of her. He'd simply written in it, addressed it to Homicide, stuck a stamp on it and dropped it in the post box and walked away, not thinking anymore about it. The fact she hadn't called, or texted or written back to thank him for it only meant he forgot about his gesture further.

But tonight…tonight she sprang with such force back into his subconscious that he couldn't even close his eyes the visions were so great. He tried to imagine what she'd be doing at that moment, but couldn't. They really did not live that far apart now, but the way Nick failed to be able to picture her life at all anymore…she might as well have lived on a different continent, in a different hemisphere, in a different time zone. He felt so far away from her and what they had once had.

He wondered if she still lived at her place in Fitzroy. She'd loved that house, and been so proud that she'd managed to buy it all by herself, and keep up with the mortgage repayments. It was her sanctuary. He knew she was still at Homicide. He'd have known if she wasn't. He just would've. Police gossip about things like that. And apart from the fact her staying in Homicide had been such an integral reason for their break up, he knew she wouldn't budge from there ever anyway.

He had heard a few whispers about her maybe seeing Matt Ryan, but he didn't know if they were true, or, if they were, if she was still seeing him. It tugged at his heart a little to hear that she had moved onto someone else, when there had been a time where he thought she was The One, and that she would never be with anyone else but him. And especially because it was a colleague of theirs. A mutual colleague. That was something of a low blow. He couldn't say he wasn't hurt. But she had every right to move on of course. She had said being with himself was not working. And he had also moved on, and it would be selfish to see no problem in him moving on, but not wanting her to go on and find similar happiness too.

He hoped though, deep inside, that it hadn't been too soon after their split. He hoped desperately that she hadn't just jumped into bed with another guy as soon as he'd driven out of the city limits. If she had, well, that made him feel totally worthless. But at the same time he almost didn't want to know anything that had gone on with her after he'd left. Ignorance _was _bliss after all. But it was this ignorant attitude that he knew was going to come back and bite him on the bum when he went back to Melbourne tomorrow. It'd be his first time back. Almost two years. The time had gone so quickly, and so much had happened in that time. And he had been blissfully ignorant of anything to do with Jennifer for almost that entire time, yet he knew when he went back it wouldn't be so easy to avoid.

He smiled a sad smile to himself and rolled over in bed, bringing his knees up closer to his chest under the doona, struggling to create some warmth. _She's probably bloody married by now,_ he thought wistfully, feeling the pull at his gut of missed opportunity. _She's probably thinking about babies, or even already had one. She's probably created a whole life for herself away from me, just like I have away from her._

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world?

Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family?

I wonder, what would you name your babies?

Still, he felt a nervous pull towards the situation he would surely find himself in the next day when he headed back to the city. He had no plans to see Jennifer yet he was eager, for some reason, to be in the same vicinity as her again.

Nick was just gulping down the last of his coffee when Summer trotted up the stone driveway in her boots. He watched her out his kitchen window and smiled, finding a tiny pleasure in her adorable harried look. She was the only person he had ever known who looked cute when she was stressed. He walked towards the front door to let her in.

"I thought I might miss you," she breathed hard as she came to a stop in front of him, giving him, as always, a firey kiss in greeting. "Are you about to leave?" She looked behind him and into the house, seeing his overnight bag and briefcase positioned on the hall table.

Nick nodded and leaned back into the house to pick the two bags up. He pulled the door closed behind him, locking it and stepping out with her onto the front footpath. They walked together to his car, parked in front of hers, and stood in front of the bonnet. He looked at her. "Are you okay?" he asked, noticing again her stressed features.

She nodded quickly, flicking a bit of her fringe out of her eyes. "Yeah," she replied, not giving much away with her tone. "Just got my mind on the farm. I've got so much to do."

Nick leant down and kissed her again. "Well don't work too hard," he smiled, stroking her cheek with his thumb. Her face broke into her model smile at his advice, pushing her cheeks out into the palm of his hand. "I'll see you in a few days."

They had never spent time apart like this, and he wondered if he would call her when he was in Melbourne. Yes, probably, he thought. He should. He'd want to hear her voice, and he was certain she would want to hear his. He kissed her one final time and they parted. He sat patiently in his car as she reversed out of his driveway behind him and drove back to her father's place, and then he reversed out also and headed for the bright lights of the big city.

Ten minutes into the drive, Nick had barely got comfortable or found a radio station playing a good song before his mobile phone rang on the seat beside him. As soon as he heard it he beamed. _I bet it's Summer,_ he thought, picking it up and looking at it briefly as he continued to drive.

But it wasn't. The screen flashed with the name Stanley Wolfe. Nick pulled over and stopped the car, answering the call as he did so.

"G'day Sarge," he began. Despite how he had left Melbourne two years ago, Stanley had been understanding, and politely avoided asking questions about the suddenness of Nick's moving that he knew Nick didn't want to answer. And Nick had appreciated his boss's empathy, even marvelling a little at the time at how he had such a sixth sense when it came to breaking down and deconstructing those who he led in his team at Homicide. Nick had wanted to leave Melbourne to get away from Jen, but he had been sad to no longer serve under the tutelage of Stanley Wolfe.

"Nick," Stanley replied warmly. "I hear you're blessing us with your presence this week."

Nick nodded into the phone. "I sure am," he replied, smiling. "I'm actually just starting to drive now. I'll be there in an hour or two, once I've gone to my hotel."

Stanley's voice suddenly took on a tone of surprise. "You're not bunking down with Duncan or anyone?"

Nick had considered it, but didn't want to put anybody out. He feared letting too many people know he was in town would only lead to discomfort among his old colleagues when they were around Jennifer, and he didn't want to put that pressure on them. As if they'd be able to keep from her that he was in Melbourne again, and that he'd come alone. No, they wouldn't be able to, no matter how hard they tried. The less people who knew the better. He just wanted to fly under the radar, and focus on the course.

"No," Nick answered finally. "I'm staying close to the university actually, so I don't have to travel far to get to the course."

Nick could sense Stanley pulling on his own reigns, not pestering Nick for any more sensitive information. "I see, I see," he said. "Well please, come in and see me at some point. You know where my office is."

Nick nodded and smiled again, remembering his time at Homicide in Melbourne so fondly all of a sudden. "I sure do Sarge," he replied. "And I will. Thanks."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Jennifer had been woken that morning by Matt, cuddling up to her and delving his hands underneath her pyjamas, stroking her warm skin and kissing her neck and shoulder. It was playful and immature and Jen had almost rolled her eyes at the way men seemed so much less able to control their lust than women could, but she'd held back from doing so and kept them closed instead, but smiled, letting him know she was awake, could feel him pushing against her, was aware of his roaming fingers. She knew if the day started like this then it was going to be a good day.

Their work day began the instant they walked into the building together. Duncan crashed into the lift beside them, a mere moment before the doors closed, slipping in just in time.

"Morning guys," he greeted them warmly. "God I need a coffee," he moaned before they'd even said anything back to him.

Jennifer just smiled, observing the way Duncan was practically still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Even his sharp, expensive suits couldn't disguise his fatigue.

They got out of the lift a moment later and together the three of them walked into their workplace, branching off for their desks. Stanley was waiting for them, standing at the door of his office, preceding over his team with a watchful eye. "Get yourselves organised," he instructed as they unpacked their bags and hung their jackets over the backs of their chairs. "We're having a briefing in ten." He turned and walked back into the office, closing his door behind him, hoping to capture just a few more minutes of privacy. A few more minutes to deliberate over how to approach the rest of the day. Today above all days, he would have to put his diplomacy skills to the test. And with one of his own. He was not looking forward to it. He frowned to himself and decided to put it off until after the briefing.

Half an hour later the briefing Stanley had hoped would be lengthy, so that he could continue to put off the other task he had allotted himself for the day, was over. He didn't know why he'd thought it would be long – theirs was a simple homicide, well, what seemed like a simple homicide now, at the beginning of the investigation, and he and his team had simply discussed the few facts they knew, familiarised themselves with the victim and the suspects, threw around a few generic ideas – the same ideas they always threw around when beginning a new investigation, to try to build a picture and narrow things down – and then branched off to begin putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Duncan and Allie went to visit the victim's family and Rhys to speak to her friends. As they all made their way out of the briefing room, Matt and Jennifer sat side by side waiting for their instructions.

"Matt," Stanley begin, zeroing in on his sergeant. "I need to see you for a moment in my office."

Jennifer could hear Matt suck a breath in, nervous. She knew he hated confrontation, and going to Stanley's office, even if only for a moment, was like going to see the principal when you knew you'd done something wrong. She squeezed his hand under the table then looked back up at Stanley. "What about me Sarge?" she asked.

Stanley gave a slight shrug of his shoulders and a shake of his head. He seemed distracted, like he'd almost forgotten she was there. "Check out the backgrounds of the family, the victim, everyone." It was a very generalised instruction, and she felt miffed by it, but rose from the table and did as he asked, leaving the room to return to her desk and throwing a small smile in Matt's direction as she exited.

When she was gone Matt eyed his boss again, worried. "Meet me in my office in five Detective Ryan," came Stanley's firm words. Matt just nodded as Stanley exited after Jennifer.

Matt bought his hands up to the top of the table and placed them firmly on the smooth surface as he rose to standing. He didn't know why, but he was already shaking. _Why am I so wound up? _He thought to himself. _He probably just wants to tell me some more details about the case._

He went back to his desk momentarily, noticing as he walked that Jennifer was no longer in the office, and he guessed that she'd decided to do a coffee run before she began her work. _Smart move_, he thought. _Almost everyone out of the office – you won't have to buy many this morning Jen. _He knocked on Stanley's door and entered only a second later.

Jennifer got all the way out onto the street and half way towards the coffee shop when she realised she'd forgotten her wallet. She cursed under her breath and spun around to start walking back towards her workplace, wondering for a quick moment if flashing her Freddy would've got her a freebie just this once, or at least convince the owner to trust her with an IOU until the next day. But her conscience wouldn't allow her to even try, and she walked quickly back to the Homicide building.

She stepped into the lift when she got inside the foyer and punched the button for Homicide impatiently, her brain becoming lethargic and annoyed that it had not yet been injected with its morning dose of caffeine. She clasped her hands in front of her and stared intently at the bright display of numbers lighting up above the door, flashing as the lift passed through each floor until finally it stopped at hers.

Her phone began to ring in the inside pocket of her blazer and she felt foolish for a second that she'd been able to remember her phone and her police identification yet not the one thing she truly needed for a trip to the coffee shop: money. She fumbled in her pocket to retrieve the ringing mobile. She pulled it out and looked at the screen. It was her mother. She hesitated, not really in the mood to answer, but as she forced herself to answer it she walked smack into someone solid.

"Nick!" Jennifer couldn't hide her surprise. Nor the way she completely fell apart in the seconds after she'd walked into him. She almost dropped her phone, struggling to put it on silent to ignore her mother's call. Then trying to slide the device back into the pocket she'd retrieved it from took two tries before she finally had it tucked away safely. It was momentously difficult to complete such a task when her knees went weak beneath her at the sight of him, and his hands were still on her body as they righted each other after their clumsy bump together right in front of the lift.

She looked at him. Straight into his eyes and further even. He appeared lost for words and as he battled inwardly to come up with something to say, Jennifer felt her lips tingle, remembering instantly how it had felt when he used to kiss her. The sting was so intense, so surprising to be feeling, that right then she desperately wanted to feel a kiss of his again, to cool and calm her mouth.

At last he spoke, but what he came up with was disappointing, for the both of them. "Jennifer." He gave a smile, cautious in its stretch and welcome. She much preferred it when he beamed big and wide, the way he used to when they were together. She remembered it fondly in the split second she stood dumb founded in front of him – how it lit up his whole face, made his eyes sparkle, gave him the most adorable laugh lines. She missed that smile.

She stood up a bit straighter, pulling the ends of her blazer down self consciously. It was a stupid thing to feel, but she suddenly had the urge to cover herself up in front of him, because she was another man's woman now. _God that sounds dated and pathetic _she thought, but she felt it all the same. It was no longer Nick's right to look at her in the way he used to, and she no longer had the right to look at him in such a way either. They hadn't been together for almost two years. Times had changed, they'd moved on. To girls with seasonal names.

"What are you doing here?" she asked quietly, completely forgetting her need to get her purse. Coffee was now the furtherest thing from her mind.

"I'm here for a course," he replied, every bit as politely as she'd asked her question. "I just came in to see Stanley." He felt like he needed to give a reason, prove well and truly why he was there. "He asked me to come."

Jennifer nodded, accepting his reason. She didn't know what to do though, or how to react. Should she be cold, pretend they were simply two detectives that didn't have a long and complicated history behind them? Or should she be friendly, remembering the way she'd broken his heart the last time she had seen him, and try to make at least small amends?

Before she could make a decision, her thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the door to Stanley's office and Matt exiting, his face pink in colour, worked up. He looked around the office, agitated, and when his eyes landed on Jennifer's he felt a moment of relaxation – she, the woman who had promised to never give up on him, was right there when he needed her.

But her face betrayed her when she looked back at him. She couldn't muster up a smile, only a shocked, almost petrified glance in his direction, and Matt quickly realised why. Before her stood Nick Buchanan. The moment of relaxation was gone.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Jennifer was thankful the awkward moment, a triangle of unsure and surprised glances in every direction, was over almost as soon as it began. Only a moment after Matt came out of Stanley's office, so did Stanley himself and he saw Nick immediately, beckoning him into his sanctuary. Nick gratefully excused himself and left Matt and Jennifer standing uselessly in the office.

When Nick was gone, shut behind Stanley's door, Jennifer finally remembered why she'd come back up to Homicide in the first place. She made a move towards her desk and pulled her purse out of her handbag in her bottom drawer. She turned to Matt, who stood brooding still, near the office he'd just exited. "Want a coffee?" she asked timidly, now guessing what Stanley had wanted to see Matt about.

Matt nodded silently and followed her all the way down to the street. When they were out in the fresh air, the conversation he'd just endured with his superior, coupled with the unexpected confrontation with a man that had until five minutes ago been something of an invisible nemesis, all became too much, overcrowding his head space, forcing its way out into the open.

"What gave you the right to go to Wolfey about me?" he hissed, stopping just outside the doors of the tall building, reaching out a hand to stop her from walking on.

For a quick second it hurt, because though he hadn't reached for her roughly, he'd touched the exact spot where he'd days earlier left a bruise. But she put it out of her mind. It was half way healed now and she had been trying so hard not to dwell on it. The lighter the bruise became the easier this was to do.

She could tell him nothing but the truth. "I'm worried about you Matt," she replied, her voice small. "Wolfey can help."

"I don't need help Jen!" He was still hissing like a snake, angry and annoyed. "Not from Wolfe anyway."

She almost laughed. That's exactly what an addict would say, she wanted to respond.

Instead she put a hand up to his cheek and gave it a feather light stroke, looking into his eyes lovingly. "You have to do something Matt," she said. "You have to."

He reared back, pulling his face out of her hand. "Yeah well now I have to go to a counselling session."

"Maybe it's what you need," she responded. All the times she had dealt with addiction and people with problems with alcohol and drugs couldn't ever have prepared her for dealing with it on a personal level like this. She was clueless as to how to tackle it. She'd gone to Stanley out of desperation….because she knew not what else to do.

Matt shook his head, jamming his hands in his pockets. "It's not what I need," he whispered determinedly. "Nothing is wrong with me."

Jennifer couldn't believe he could say such a thing. She wanted to rip open her sleeve and show him the bruise he'd given her, shove her arm in his face, shake it before his eyes and scream at him if he still thought nothing was wrong. Instead she steeled herself for a moment and took a deep breath in before she spoke. "Yes there is Matt."

They just looked at each other, Matt with daggers for eyes. The spontaneous episode of heated activity they'd partaken in upon waking up that morning was now forgotten, now no longer able to set the precedent for their day. Jennifer wondered how they could go from one extreme to the other in such a short space of time.

Jennifer didn't see Nick again that day. She lingered in the coffee shop after she'd bought her latte, thinking about Matt. He'd stalked off away from her after their argument on the street and she had not run after him. He needed time to settle, she knew.

She was glad when she finally returned to the office that Nick was nowhere in sight. She snuck a look in the direction of Stanley's office and saw his blinds open, and him working studiously at his desk, alone. She breathed out a sigh of relief and finally settled down, her caffeine hit beside her, and got to work doing what he'd asked her to do after the briefing.

But she couldn't concentrate. Her mind wondered back to Nick every five minutes. She couldn't stop herself. She knew there'd be a time when she saw him again, but she was never going to be prepared for such a time. And she certainly hadn't been this morning. What was he really doing here? Where was he staying? How long was he staying for? Would she be bumping into him regularly while he was here? She shook her head free of the thoughts and took another sip of coffee.

But the less work she got done that day the more angry she got at Nick. It was his fault she'd achieved precious little today. His fault Matt made a scene outside Homicide. His fault she was going home to an angry partner, who only wanted to reach for a drink.

When she packed up her belongings, keen to get out of the office at the end of the day, Duncan called out her name from across the office. "Hey Jen!" he called. She looked up, answering with a raise of her eyebrows. "We're going to the pub. Come for a drink?"

The invitation instantly appealed to her, just so that she could avoid going back home for a further hour or two. "Sure," she smiled, putting on her best most normal face in front of her colleague. She followed Duncan and Rhys out of the building.

When they got to their favourite watering hole, well – Duncan and Rhys' favourite watering hole – as they entered it occurred to Jennifer that she did not have a favourite, she simply enjoyed the people within them, not the places themselves, they found Allie already there, swinging back on a chair in the beer garden, a cider in her hand. The sight of her near alcohol still surprised Jennifer, so used to a health conscious young woman who rarely drank, but there was something different about Allie tonight. She was relaxed and switched off, just a regular person, and she was talking…to Nick. He sat beside her, and the two were engaged in a deep conversation, completely oblivious to those around them, so intense was their conversation, and Jennifer felt a spike in her chest at the sight of them. How could Nick be acting so normal? How could he just breeze in here, so unplanned, and then meet them all at the pub at the end of the day like it was 2010 again? Jennifer followed Duncan and Rhys up to the table, not saying a word.

When they approached the two still didn't look up. Duncan had to slap Allie on the shoulder to announce their arrival for her to finally drag her eyes away from Nick. She smiled. "Hey guys," she greeted them, taking another sip of her cider.

They all took seats around the table, but immediately Jen felt uncomfortable, especially the way Nick had not even said hello to her. She felt invisible. She stood up again almost as soon as she'd sat down, and offered to buy the first round. Nick watched after her for a few moments as she walked away from them and towards the bar. He felt his heart swell a few sizes as he finally got the chance to take her in properly, something he'd not had a chance to do earlier in the day. He knew that it was him who she'd had the most intimate relationship of her life with, him who knew her every curve and the very feel of her skin and hair, and he wondered if she'd let another man get to know her so well since they'd split. He thought perhaps not, because she looked so similar to how she had when he'd moved away. He could tell then, in the few seconds during which he watched her walk towards the bar, that she hadn't had a baby, hadn't married anyone. He could just tell.

When she came back she settled a tray of beers in the middle of the table and everyone helped themselves, including Nick. But they didn't speak, even though they did to everyone else. It was awkward, and Nick wondered if Duncan and Allie and Rhys could sense the feeling too.

"So Nick," Duncan began, turning towards his old co-worker. "What's the attraction to Belgrave these days?" He asked the question with a cheeky smile on his face, in true Freeman style.

Rhys interrupted before Nick had a chance to answer. "Have you got yourself some female company?" he asked almost incredulously.

Jennifer stared into her lap, avoiding the eyes of everyone around the table. She didn't want to hear this.

Nick's stumbling over his answer made it clear to them all that he didn't want to kiss and tell. "A lot less trouble than this town," he replied, slightly smirking, ribbing his old friends.

"So more time to focus on the ladies hey?" Duncan teased, completely oblivious, naturally, since neither Jennifer nor Nick had ever let on, that Jennifer was uncomfortable with the conversation.

Nick's eyes darted over to look at Jennifer for a second and noticed her unease, and it only contributed to his own. He didn't want to have this conversation. When Allie had invited him for a quiet drink he had just wanted to chat about a bit of work maybe, about Allie and Duncan and whatever trouble Rhys had got himself into with Bernice recently. He hadn't thought Jen would come, and he hadn't wanted any probing into his private affairs. "None of your business," he said nicely enough that Duncan wasn't offended.

The answer made Jennifer look up, and despite her discomfort in the setting they were in, and despite her shock and anger at him being the spanner in the works of her day, she did for a moment remember how the way Nick did everything he could to keep his cards close to his chest – never kissing and telling, a true gentleman – was one of the qualities in him she had always adored.

Nick skulled the last of his beer and stood up, wanting to put an end to the probing. "I have to go guys," he told the group, eyeing them all, even Jennifer. "I've got an early start tomorrow."

Truthfully he could've stayed out much later, and could've had another drink of two, but the tension was too much for him, and he wanted to escape. As he left, Jennifer finally relaxed.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

On the Thursday Nick's course began. He fronted up at 8am sharp to the university, registering his name with the organisers and taking a seat in the lecture theatre. He was keen for the day to begin, if for nothing else than to take his mind off the previous day and all the run in's he'd had with people. He just wanted to slip into a room where he knew nobody, and where there was no history.

But he had trouble concentrating, and at the end of the day felt like the lectures had been wasted on him. He couldn't remember a single thing of what had been discussed and presented. He made his way wearily back to his apartment, a small but ample self contained room in an aging hotel only ten minutes drive from the university. He had only taken three steps inside the door of his room when he remembered with a jolt that he had promised Duncan the night before that they would catch up to watch the footy at a local sports bar that night. He sighed. He was not in the mood, and wondered if he could cancel this late.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his phone beeping with a text message. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw the message was from Summer. He smiled to himself, envious suddenly for life back in Belgrave with her.

_Hey babe, I'm sure you've had a busy day today and you're knackered. I hope it all went well. Call me later if you get a chance. Love you x_

He was happy she hadn't actually called, and had instead decided just to text him. It gave him the choice of texting her back or calling her, and he decided to just text her back that night. Tomorrow night he would call her.

By the time he'd showered and changed some twenty minutes later he felt even less like going out, so guiltily shot off a text to Duncan apologising at not being able to make it after all. It was still early, only 5:30, and they were not going to meet until 7:30 anyway, so Nick tried to reason with himself that he was giving Duncan plenty of notice at least. Any excuse to ease his guilt.

_Piker_ Duncan texted back. But he didn't seem too bothered, just insisting they catch up at least once more before he went back to Belgrave on Sunday.

Only five minutes after receiving Duncan's message did another come through and this time he was shocked at who the sender was.

_Nick please don't feel like you can't spend time with Duncan because of me. I don't want to stop you catching up with your friends. _

Nick was shocked at the sender, but not surprised at the message. No matter if he made Jennifer feel uncomfortable, she would always put others first. He could easily picture the scene. Duncan had probably received Nick's lie of a text and let out a sigh about him piking on their man date. Jennifer's ears would've pricked up at the mention of Nick's name and she would've immediately felt it was her fault he had cancelled on Duncan. Nick shook his head and chuckled quietly to himself.

He busily typed a reply to her, putting her worries at ease. _You haven't stopped me Jen. It's just been a big day. _He stopped typing for a moment and cocked his head, wondering what he should do. _Can we meet for a coffee tomorrow? I'll be finished by lunchtime. _

He didn't know what he was doing initiating such a meeting. Why was he asking her for a coffee? Why did he want to see her again when it had been so incredibly awkward last night and when they'd smacked into each other outside the lifts? His mind raced until her reply came back.

_Sure. Meet you at Spencer's at 1._

She didn't even need to sign her name on the end of her texts, and neither did he.

Jennifer woke before Matt on Friday morning and inched in closer to him, listening to him snore lightly. She ran a light finger down the side of his nose and then around the outline of his lips before floating down his jaw and neck and to the tiny space behind his ear. Her touch made his eyes flicker open slowly, like he was in a trance, but he smiled at her, appreciating the gentle wake up call. After Wednesday's discussion he'd spent time alone, just at home, and hadn't been bothered when Jen had obviously gone out after work. But by the time she crawled into bed beside him later that night he was calm again, and had begun missing her.

When she was this gentle, this loving, his hunger for her always grew to dizzying heights so quickly, and he always fought himself for control. He did exactly that as they laid next to each other that morning, but Jennifer's voice bought him back down a notch, encouraging him to take things slowly.

"I know today's going to be hard Matt," she whispered. "But give it a go okay?"

He just mumbled a grunt in return, sliding a hand over her waist and running his fingers over her skin in such a way that he created goosebumps instantly.

"I know you can do this." She kissed him lightly on the lips and smiled at him as his hands explored her more under the covers. His mood felt delicate, understandably, and she knew he needed reassurance, so she let him touch her and do what he liked. She wanted him to feel loved. He needed it. They got breathless within moments.

When they left the house a little over an hour later she pressed her lips to his again, this time hard and passionately, clutching his hand at the same time. "I love you," was all she said.

His thoughts were already crowded, anticipating what might happen at the counselling that day. But he smiled back at her, willing to try, for her. They waved each other goodbye and drove off in opposite directions.

Nick was glad Jennifer was already at Spencer's when he arrived. He'd decided to catch the tram there and during the ride had fretted about being there before her, knowing how desperate it would make him look. He'd already initiated their meeting, and that was bad enough in making him look like a desperado, he didn't want to be there super early and waiting with baited breath for her as well.

She already had a coffee in front of her and the sight of it made him smile. She must be feeling as edgy as him, if she was drinking coffee in the afternoon. Even though it was just barely 1pm, she'd still broken the Mapplethorpe rule, as he'd come to think of it, and she rarely did that. He smiled at her as he approached her table in the back of the café.

"Hi," he offered, pulling out the chair opposite her and sitting down.

"Hey Nick," she said back, sounding as nervous as he felt.

Why were they both so nervous? Nick wondered. They'd once been so intimate that he knew the shape of her tonsils and the colour of the birthmark inside her thigh – why now could they barely look each other in the eye?

Nick said nothing else, and thankfully a waitress came up to their table immediately to take his coffee order, providing some respite from their awkward conversation.

When the waitress had left them alone again they looked at each other, timid smiles on their faces. She spoke up first. "So how've you been Nick?" she asked, genuinely curious.

He nodded as he answered. "I've been good." He wanted the questions and answers they volleyed back and forth between each other to not be so short – it was excruciating.

She nodded back. "Do you like Belgrave?" She really wanted to know – to know if he really liked it better than Melbourne, if he regretted the move or not, if he missed her.

"I love it," Nick said honestly. "It's a good little town. A much slower pace than here…and a different culture too." He didn't allude to how different exactly it was, but she could imagine. She wondered if in another life she and him could've settled down in a place like Belgrave.

"That's good," she said quietly, stirring her latte. "It's good to hear that you're happy."

They fell silent again. It took them a good fifteen minutes to warm up, but eventually they got to talking properly, almost how they used to when they used to work together. They talked about cases, and their colleagues, everything but their personal lives. It seemed neither wanted to know how the other had moved on.

Still, Nick found the stunted conversation awkward and tense. It wasn't like it used to be, no matter how hard they tried, or how long they tried for. Eventually Nick made moves to wrap their coffee date up, sick of trying and getting nowhere. Jennifer seemed surprised he wanted to leave so soon.

Nick shrugged his shoulders at her as he got up and headed for the counter to pay for his coffee. "I'm catching the tram back to my hotel. It'll be busy. School's almost over. I should head back."

She stood beside him at the cash register and watched him pay for his drink before paying for her own. She couldn't think of what to say until they walked out of the café and onto the footpath. "I've got my car. Let me drive you back," she offered shyly. "It will save you having to stand amongst all the sweaty teenagers."

She smiled and he found himself accepting the offer without even thinking about it. They drove back to his hotel in relative silence, but Nick felt himself relaxing as they drove. Perhaps it was because they were out of the public eye now, the meeting not so set up anymore. He didn't know, but he breathed easier in the front seat of Jennifer's car.

When she pulled up outside the hotel she pulled into a car space and Nick watched her hand hover over the gear stick, unsure of whether to keep it in drive or put it in park. He spoke up, surprising even himself. "Do you want to come up for another coffee?" he asked, sure she'd say no to more coffee this late in the day. He didn't even know what possessed him to ask anyway. He'd been so eager to get away from the café situation, and now he was inviting her into his hotel room? "I have a nice balcony we could sit on."

She pushed the gears into park and pulled her keys out of the ignition. "Okay." She got out and followed him up through a foyer and up a flight of stairs to the first floor. He walked ahead of her down a corridor, reading the numbers on the doors, searching for his room. The further she followed him the more her feelings became tangled. They hovered between Matt at his counselling session, wondering how he was, and the situation she found herself in right now, following her ex back to his hotel room. Nothing had been implied but she still felt unsure.

Nick stopped and unlocked a door right at the end of the corridor. He stepped inside and held the door open for her, fully expecting her to follow, but she hesitated at the threshold.

"Actually…" she stuttered. "I probably shouldn't stay."

"What?" Nick was taken aback.

"Yeah…sorry."

"Are you sure?" The disappointment hung heavily in his voice – much heavier than he'd thought it would. But then he had asked her to come up.

_No, _she thought. She just looked at him, remembering how many times she had looked into his eyes before. Hundreds. Thousands. And she never grew tired of it. She stood rooted to the spot in front of him, not knowing what to do. Listen to her head or her heart?

"Jen." He took a step closer to her. He swung his hand towards hers, and they brushed fingers just slightly.

"I should really go," she breathed, looking down and trying to lean herself away from the spell that was like fumes engulfing around her, pulling her towards him.

She looked again into his eyes and spoke again. "Nick…"

He leaned in a tiny bit, millimetres only, but it was enough to encourage her to do the same. Then suddenly they were locked in a kiss so deep Jennifer couldn't breathe.

She pulled out of it only a heartbeat later. "Nick, no. I'm not doing this." She shook her head at him, dropping her gaze from his and pressing her lips together, taking a big breath in through her nose. She stepped back out into the hallway, almost shaking from what she'd just done. "I've gotta go," she said in a rush, her eyes flicking up to join his gaze again as she inched away.

"Jen!"

She just walked away, down the hallway. It felt like it was ten kilometres long. Her breathing was uneven as she strode quickly down it and back towards the stairwell. But when she did get to it she stopped and turned around to see if he was still there, watching her.

He was. She looked back down the stairwell, then back again at him. Her head said to go back to the car. But her heart insisted on turning back around. And that insistence made her turn away from the stairwell, stare at Nick for a moment where he stood half in the door way to his room and then start walking back towards his door. Half way up the corridor she started jogging. When she got to Nick she didn't even slow down – he just grabbed her up and they locked lips again, banging into the door, slamming it against the wall behind.

On the bed they stripped each other of their clothes hurriedly, eager all of a sudden to remember what each other looked like underneath their Homicide uniforms. Nick's hands breezed over her forehead and eased her hair back from her face as he crawled on top of her, remembering how much he had missed her.

Do you remember the way it felt?

You mean back when we couldn't control ourselves?

Remind me

Remind me

Against the pillows Jennifer was caught up in the moment and momentarily pre occupied with his body. His litheness, the way his muscles were like sinews, long, lean and all interspliced perfectly with each other, seemed almost too slight for her after years of being with Matt. She did not know how to hold him, where to put her hands. It amazed her that she'd forgotten so quickly what she used to do with Nick, how she used to be whenever they'd slept together in the past. She felt her confidence seeping out through her pores as they kissed and the friction became greater between them.

It's been so long that you forget,

The way I used to kiss your neck

Remind me

Remind me

But Nick took charge, sensing her concerns, and kissed her delicately, drawing each one out, lulling her further and further into calm. She eventually relaxed into his arms, swept away completely by how he could make her feel, even after all this time. Making love to Nick was so incredibly different to how it was with Matt, and she found herself comparing the two.

Afterwards, she felt a funny mixture of foreboding guilt and a brazen lack of care that she had just slept with her old flame. Guilty because she had all but devoted herself to Matt, promising him so much, and yet here she was creeping around behind his back sleeping with another man and later she would go home and he would be none the wiser. But also uncaring because after her first initial moments of panic, it had felt so right, so normal, so comforting and goosebump inducing that she wondered why she had ever bothered with any other men aside from Nick. He held her and touched her in a way that Matt did not. Her skin still sizzled where he had touched her, even an hour later as they lay tangled in the sheets in the king size bed in the hotel room.

Nick kept his arms around her loosely as they lie facing each other. He admitted out loud what he'd long wondered. "I thought you'd be married by now," he whispered to her honestly. "I thought you'd be a mother."

Jennifer looked down, away from his eyes, embarrassed that she wasn't what he thought she'd be. She wanted to say 'not yet' in reply, but instead answered even more simply.

"No." It seemed the rightful, truthful answer because honestly, she didn't know if she would have children now. She didn't want to, and she knew it was a bad idea to anyway, to have children with Matt. And the only other person she would've considered having a deep enough connection with to want to bear children to him was Nick. And that was over. It had been over for almost two years.

Yet here they were basking in a post sex glow, contented and happy, satisfied and safe, alone in a little bubble together that would only burst when one of them left the room and went back outside into the real world where obligations and responsibilities waited.

When the sun began to set outside the window of Nick's room, casting streaks on the balcony through the protective railing that bordered it, Nick kept one arm around her as he reached the other out to turn on the bedside lamp. Jennifer watched him switch it on and light up the room in a pool of bright golden light. She felt like she'd just woken from a long sleep – she squinted her eyes at the new light around her, pushed her face into the pillow a little, unconsciously pressed herself more in towards Nick. She wanted to bathe in the feeling for just a little bit longer, before she knew her brain would reprimand her, telling her to get out and stop being so unfaithful.

Nick smiled down at her silently, and happily responded when she snuggled in closer to his chest. They laid together for another twenty minutes, not speaking, just enjoying the feeling of being close again. But eventually Jen pulled out of his arms, her conscience tapping away at her incessantly, telling her it was time to end this little rendezvous. She sat up on the edge of the bed, her back to the pillows , running her hand through her loose hair.

"Geez, that's a nasty bruise," Nick remarked quietly from where he lay, eying her marked upper arm. "Oh you've got two," he continued, spying the other bruise on her forearm, it now almost completely faded, save for a light purple tinge that hovered just under the surface of her skin. "What happened?"

His questions were so innocent, already just assuming she'd fallen, or banged into something, or got the bruises during the course of a work day. She envied that innocence, knowing she could never get it back for herself. She turned on the sheets and stood up, not allowing him to see the bruising so closely anymore. She shook her head as she walked to the bathroom, just a metre from the edge of the bed. "Oh nothing. I'm getting clumsy in my old age." She turned on the tap and waited for the water to get warm before she washed her hands underneath the stream, then swiped her hands over her face to wipe away the layer of sweat she'd so quickly accumulated when they had fallen into bed together.

_Old age_, Nick thought. _Never_. She was timeless. He laid on his side and watched her stare at herself in the mirror for a few moments, rubbing a finger under each eye in a vain attempt to wipe away the smudges of makeup there, then take a few steps away from it and bend over to reach to her clothes on the floor. As she got dressed again, speedily slipping back into her pants and pink shirt, then shrugging on her blazer in the blink of an eye she looked, unsure, over at him.

Standing at the end of the bed, her now dressed and him still naked under the sheets, just watching her, made her feel incredibly cheap, like before she left he was going to shove a one hundred dollar bill into her hand and organise the next time he required her services. She shuddered inwardly, feeling dirty, wishing her conscience would let her stay longer and actually have a shower before she left, but it wouldn't. And she knew too if she did, it would only lead to further hijinks, simply moved from the bed to the shower, and she already felt guilty enough without screwing him twice in one afternoon.

No, she had to leave, but she didn't know how to go. She pulled her hand bag over her shoulder and looked directly at him, trying in desperate vain to control her libido. "Nick I…" she began. "I don't know why we did this…"

He was hurt for a second, until he realised that he too didn't know why they'd done it. What was he going to do about Summer now? The guilt struck him over and over again, slapping every part of his body harshly, not letting him forget it.

"I've gotta go," she whispered, bowing her head away from him, no longer looking into his eyes. "Let's just…forget this."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Jennifer could barely concentrate as she drove away from the hotel and back towards the house she shared with Matt. Everything they'd just done played over and over in her mind, on an incessant repeat. It was like her mind was almost teasing her. _Remember how much you used to love Nick? Remember how good he makes you feel?_ Her brain had torn her away from that room, doing the right thing, but now it wouldn't let up in the memories of the afternoon.

When she pulled up to the house she saw Matt's car already in the driveway and she had a quick heart attack wondering if she needed to come up with a plan to cover her tracks from the afternoon. But no excuses came to her as she got out of the car, and she decided to wing it if, and only if, he asked where she'd been. Hopefully, he just wouldn't ask.

She entered the house by the back door and found Matt doing paperwork at the kitchen table. "Hi," she offered in a low voice.

He looked up and actually smiled. "Hey Jen."

"How are you?" she asked nervously, hoping against hope that his day had gone well.

He nodded at her. "I'm good. Today was…good."

She felt relieved, and wanted to hear the details, but the filthy feeling still clung to her, and she desperately wanted to wash it off. Even though she felt like a hypocrite doing it, she leant over to kiss him on the lips and smiled. "That's great," she replied. "I want to talk about it, but I need a shower first. Will you order us some dinner from that place down the road?" She stood by the kitchen door, ready to walk up the stairs to the bathroom.

Matt nodded, relieved to hear her so welcoming to him again, seemingly so ready to rekindle the romance. "Sure," he replied. "You want honey prawns?" He got up and walked to the refrigerator where they'd stuck several leaflets from takeaway places that had arrived in the mail.

"Yeah," she smiled back before walking up the stairs. "Honey prawns'd be perfect."

Getting undressed in the bathroom a moment later she noticed immediately the smell that clung to her. It was dusky and smug, a combination of that smell all hotel rooms have, and Nick. She'd know his smell anywhere. She stepped into the shower and scrubbed herself clean vigourously with a shower puff and the strongest scented soap she could find. Every trace of Nick fell down the drain.

When she went back downstairs Matt had gone to get the takeaway, so she got out plates and utensils for them and sat on the couch and waited for him, playing mindlessly with her phone as she sat there. She touched open her calendar, casting an eye over the appointments and reminders she had in there for the rest of the week. Closing that, her mind so far away from work it wasn't even funny, she touched next her photo albums and scrolled through several dozen pictures of her and Matt that she had long ago put in their own album in the phone. She smiled as she flicked through them, remembering the times they had been taken, how good they had been together then. Finally she opened up her text messages, and read Nick's through a few times. He'd not even written anything special, and neither had she, but even just the simple fact she was in contact with him like that sent something going in her heart.

Five minutes later Matt returned and she shoved the phone into the pocket of her yoga pants and waited for him to enter the living room. He carried two bags and immediately handed one to her and they quietly got to work opening containers and helping themselves to the food inside, piling up their plates. Eventually they sat back, started eating, and started talking.

"I didn't feel like I belonged there Jen," Matt confessed. "It was a helpful day…but awful."

Jennifer frowned sadly upon hearing this and Matt had a flash of utter denial, triggered by her look. _What was really so wrong with having a drink now and again? _Matt thought. He shovelled more rice into his mouth, then a sticky prawn, relishing for a moment the strong fried honey taste that he knew he'd probably regret in the morning.

But then suddenly his denial flipped back to reason as he kept his eyes on the woman before him, taking appreciative note of how she happily sat beside him, wanting to listen to him, wanting to care, wanting to help. _There __**is**__ something wrong with having a drink_ he thought then, feeling utter love towards Jen at that moment. _Only a person with a problem would think there wasn't._ Jen was right. If he kept refusing to admit it, if he kept diving head first into a drink anytime things got hard, or he wanted to forget, he would only drive her away. And she, she was the only woman he had ever truly loved. He couldn't let that happen.

"I don't know how it started…" he confessed in a whisper, his eyes now avoiding hers.

Jennifer nodded sympathetically. "It does feel like it came out of nowhere Matt." She sounded confused. "Six months…a year ago…" she shrugged her shoulders limply at him. "…you weren't like this. What happened?"

Matt's eyes annoyingly filled with tears upon hearing her question, but he held them back forcefully. To tackle this, he thought, seemed like the most mammoth challenge, both mentally and physically. He was unsure if he had what it took to beat the demon. He shrugged his shoulders right back at her. "I dunno Jen…" He exhaled and ate a bit more of his dinner, even though now he was not at all hungry. "I think…" His brain hurt trying to find the reason. "I think it's just a whole lot of things bunched together. Getting my sargeants stripes, falling in love with you at the worst possible time –" He shot a quick apologetic glance at her when he said that, not meaning to cause offence. She understood. She'd fallen for him at a poor time as well. "Feeling like I was no good at my job…" It was all those plus a thousand other tiny things that all added up to an overwhelming mountain of problems he had not the confidence nor the strength to deal with. Being with Jennifer helped, but at the end of the day he always knew it had to be him.

She nodded, accepting his reasons. "Sometimes it just all gets on top of us."

It was all getting on top of her too. After this afternoon, she didn't know what she should do.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Respecting her wishes, and his own when he came to think about it, Nick didn't see Jennifer again. On the Sunday evening he drove back to Belgrave and back to his little country home. But their liaison was never far from his mind, and just as he'd feared, when he saw Summer again, he felt different towards her. Everything had changed now.

Nick wondered if he should just try to forget about Jennifer, put their afternoon of lust down to a blip in the radar, a momentary lapse in good judgement, a fling for old times sake. But to think of it as finishing up unfinished business seemed crude, and not very _them._ In the past he had always slept with Jennifer for one reason: because he loved her.

Two weeks later he found himself back in Melbourne, chasing leads on a case with his partner, but he could concentrate on nothing but the fact he was back in the city where Jennifer lived. He fought every temptation to call her, and returned to Belgrave having not made contact. There felt no suitable way to make the contact, so he just hadn't. But the following weekend, as Summer and her brothers went to the stock sales, Nick got in his car and drove to Melbourne, wanting to see Jennifer, even if only for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted to say to her, but something inside him made him get in his car and drive.

Jennifer stood on the other side of the bed, her arms folded over her chest, just watching Matt pile clothes into the small suitcase. He folded them meticulously, making sure they fit into the case neatly and squarely, as if this act alone would see his weekend off to a good start. He looked so cautious as she watched him, and she knew inside his nerves were beginning to get the better of him.

She spoke up. "Do you need anything else Matty?"

He looked up without saying a word and shook his head at her in reply. He exhaled loudly and closed the case, zipping it up and then lifting it up off the bed and setting it on the floor. He pressed in the button at the top of the suitcase's handle and extended it so that he could pull it behind him and he walked from the room, Jennifer following.

Out in the living room they sat down tentatively on the couch, and waited. Matt looked forlorn Jennifer noticed, and it tore at her heart strings to see him in such a way. She knew he didn't want to go – he still had difficulty fully admitting he had a problem, and right now only went to the counselling sessions organised for him by their boss because Jennifer wanted him to. He wanted to make her happy, and he wanted to win her back. He wanted to return to the man she fell in love with. That didn't mean it was easy though.

Fifteen minutes later, just when it was becoming almost too unbearable to just sit and wait any longer, Stanley pulled up in their drive way and Matt moved from the couch. Jennifer sprang up with him and they hugged awkwardly before she put one hand to his cheek and he allowed her to pull his cheek down to her lips so she could kiss him there. Then without looking at her again, he walked outside and met Stanley at the back of his car, where he was waiting with the boot open, ready for Matt's suitcase. They threw it in, got back in the car and drove away, Jennifer watching from inside the living room.

She sighed as she fell back onto the couch. It was only one night. It would be good for him. She tried to reassure herself. He'd been to a few sessions now, but she had not noticed much of a change. Now he was going to be gone almost the whole weekend. There on Saturday morning, back on Sunday afternoon. And Stanley was driving him there. Would it make a difference, knowing she wasn't the only one invested in Matt overcoming this?

Suddenly she couldn't hold back a few sobs as her cries fell out of her mouth, just thinking about Matt. He still drank. That was the problem. But he had not grabbed her since that night in the bedroom. The counselling had at least stopped him doing that…for now. She wondered if it'd ever happen again. The thought that there was always the possibility it would, frightened her. She didn't want to live with that possibility. So she hoped feverishly the weekend away would help Matt more than his previous day sessions had.

As she cried into the couch cushions, making no attempt to stop her tears falling onto the pristine white fabric, her mobile rang upstairs. She stopped crying momentarily to listen to it, recognising the ringtone as the one she had had assigned to Nick for so many years now. She didn't want to answer, but he wouldn't give up. The ringtone just kept on going, over and over. He was persistent.

Sighing, she plodded out of the room and up the stairs towards the bedroom, hoping on her way there the ringing would stop. It didn't. She bent down and picked the phone up off the bedside table and held it to her ear. "Hi," she said in a tiny voice.

"Jen?" came his voice. Nick frowned into the phone. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Nick," she sighed in response, sounding anything but.

They went quiet for a few moments before Nick spoke again. "How've you been?"

"Fine."

Nick sighed too. "I'm in town," he revealed, though limiting revealing why exactly he was there. "Can I see you?"

Jennifer's eyes fluttered closed in exhaustion as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "No Nick," she replied.

He'd not expected her to say no. He didn't know what to say for a moment. "Jen."

"No Nick." She was insistent. Their sleeping together had been an error in judgement. The guilt still had not left her from that day. The day she had cheated on Matt.

"Jen I just want to explain myself. I just want to see you and talk to you."

"No Nick!" She said it more defiantly this time. "Look I'm sorry, but no. I can't deal with this Nick. Please."

Nick didn't know what to say. All he could muster was an okay as she hung up on their conversation.

Nick wiled away his afternoon after his phone call to Jennifer on a bench by the Yarra, lost in his thoughts like some brooding poet with writers block. The feeling frustrated him so much that he became angry at Jennifer for shutting him down the way she had. He'd been perfectly within his rights to want to explain himself. As if he wasn't in just as mixed up a place as she was! At least he was willing to discuss it. Not pretend it never happened and hide away from it all like she was.

"Bugger this," he muttered to himself. He got up and walked back to his car, and as he walked he dialled Allie's number. When she answered, pleased to hear from him, he kept the pleasantries to a minimum, instead just asking her for Jennifer's home address.

"I don't know if that's a good idea Nick," she warned from the other end of the line.

Nick got the feeling Allie knew something he didn't, but he asked again anyway. "C'mon Allie, can you just give it to me?"

She sighed and gave in far too easily. She knew she'd regret it.

"Thanks," he mumbled as he scribbled down the address on the back of his left hand. "Seeya."

It took Nick only ten minutes to drive to the house, but it was at the five minute mark that he realised he knew this address. It was Matt's house. He stopped breathing for a moment, confirmation at last that what he'd feared had happened really had. She'd shacked up with Matt Ryan.

Still, he drove on, not knowing what he would say to Matt if he was home. When he arrived, he pulled into the drive way with a reckless swing of his steering wheel, not making a straight job of it and wrenched at the gear stick and hand break uncaringly before he got out.

She did not look pleased when she answered the door. "What are you doing here Nick?" she asked. "I said no."

He shrugged his shoulders at her in retaliation. He could be just as dismissive as her. "I don't care."

She frowned, not letting him in. They looked at each other for a moment, and he wished fleetingly that they could magically switch back to the way they had been around each other that afternoon in his hotel room. Because right now, this was icy.

"Look Nick," she sighed, rubbing her hand over one of her eyes tiredly. "There's nothing we can talk about. We're over remember? A couple of weeks ago we did something we shouldn't have and then we went back to our normal lives and that's where we need to stay!"

"So you should've walked down the stairs instead of back in to my hotel room is that it?"

"Yes! I should have!"

"But you didn't."

Her eyes fell down cast. "I know." She'd not wanted to admit it, but secretly she knew that that afternoon had been her first step away from her relationship with Matt. She'd cheated for a reason.

Nick didn't want to have an argument on the doorstep. It was practically out in the street for goodness sake, he thought inwardly. "Can I please come in?" he begged.

She sighed again, the effort of anything all too much for her. But she let him in anyway.

They stood facing each other in the small area between the kitchen and the dining room, where once upon a time they had been introduced and pretended to not know each other. She had her arms across her chest, folded defensively again, a common stance for her these days, and he stood with his arms at his sides, almost twitching they wanted to reach out to her so much.

"Jen…"

She looked up and into his eyes, begging him not to do anything.

He ignored it. He reached out to touch her hair by her ear, swipe his hand tenderly over her warm skin, but she jerked her head out of the way. "No Nick!" she exploded, though her voice was still low. It was more the tone of her voice than the volume that shocked Nick. His hand sprang back into its place by his side, shocked. "This is why I didn't want you to come here! I didn't want to see you!"

"Why?" he asked, confused. He couldn't help it: his hand reached out to her again, this time to her elbow. This time their skins made contact for a few seconds before she flicked his hand off her by shoving her body in the other direction away from his touch.

"Stop it," she whispered seriously. She shook her head at him. "Don't! You can't just do whatever you like Nick! You can't just do what your heart says all the time! Listen to your brain for once!"

"So I just forget do I, that we slept together, and that before that we were together for real?" he asked angrily.

"Yes!" she insisted. "I'm with Matt now Nick. We're together." She was speaking with her hands now, finally undoing them from the tight cross on her chest. "Do you understand that? It doesn't matter what my relationship is like with him, or what I did with you last week or two years ago Nick, _we are not together anymore._"

The truth hurt Nick to hear and he took a step back. Jennifer watched as he took in what she'd just said. For a moment she softened, seeing how hurt he was. "I'm sorry Nick," she whispered. "But no matter what he does, I'm still with him. I still love him."

Nick began to nod but then stopped. "What does he do?" he asked suddenly, looking back up at her.

It caught Jennifer by surprise and she realised then that she might've given away her biggest secret to the one person she didn't want to find out. "Nothing," she brushed off his question. "Nothing. He's just having a hard time right now." Her frown was locked in though, unshakable off her face, her troublesome thoughts painting a picture with her eyebrows and the lines on her forehead.

But Nick pounced, as Jennifer should've guessed he would. He didn't come to see her to just give up, and he definitely wasn't going to now. _"What does he do Jen?" _


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The words had barely left his mouth before she spat her reply back at him. "He doesn't do anything okay? Just…it's none of your business Nick. You don't have the right anymore to have a judgement about me. We're over. I can be with whoever I like, and how they treat me is absolutely none of your concern."

He just looked at her with a stare so angry and with such disdain that she could tell he had guessed her predicament, and as soon as she realised he had guessed she worked overtime to try to correct it.

"Okay! It's bad Nick all right!" she cried, the tears welling up in her eyes. "Yes it's really shit!" Her voice wobbled dramatically on the curse, making it seem all the more heartbreaking. She shook her head, trying to gather her strength, and wiped her eyes with both hands, staring at the ceiling for a second as she blotted away the tears with her knuckles, smudging her mascara. Her voice turned to a whisper. "But there are also just as many days where I love him." She looked him dead in the eye. "I'm still in love with him Nick."

But Nick exploded. "How!" he roared, unable to comprehend her admission. "How are those good days worth the bad?!"

She shrugged, still crying.

"I can't believe this is what's happened to you," he whispered cruelly, his tone accusing. "I can't believe you've let yourself and your life become like this."

Jennifer smiled a tiny ironic smile for a flicker of a second. "It's not a matter of letting it," she whispered, feeling defeated. "It's a matter of being unable to stop it."

But Nick hadn't finished. "That's bullshit," he argued back. "I thought you were stronger than that." His voice was so demeaning she felt about two inches tall. "The Jennifer I knew – " he said it like that was a Jennifer that no longer existed, a realisation that scared her – "would never be in an abusive relationship."

_Abusive relationship._ There it was. He was the first one who'd ever said it. Jennifer had not even let herself think it – refusing to slot herself into such a category. But when Nick said it, and with such a raw anger in his voice, an anger she knew was borne out of his love for her, she could no longer brush it under the carpet. She _was_ in an abusive relationship.

She cried pathetically behind one hand that she'd bought to her face in front of him. There were few words left to say about the situation. Nick could only say the blaring truth. "God," he mumbled, looking at his feet as she continued to whimper before him. "We were so good together. Do you remember how great we were?"

Without taking her hand away from her eyes she nodded.

"We were perfect." Nick's voice was now a whisper.

I miss the way that it felt back then

I wanna feel that way again

Remind me

Remind me

So on fire and so in love

That look in your eyes that I miss so much

She nodded again, knowing he was right.

"Jen-" Nick attempted.

"Nick, can you please just go?" she begged.

Nick scoffed back at her. "I'm not going to leave you alone like this," he replied. "Since Matt's not here…"

"Nick," she warned. "He's at rehab. He's trying to get better. He's doing it for me."

Nick nodded, taking in the information. "Do you want me to go? When will he be back?"

"Tomorrow."

Her answer hung in the air for a moment. He looked at her asking her the same question again, but this time silently, with his eyes. _Do you want me to go? _

She shook her head, beginning to cry again, so embarrassed at the way she fell apart so easily in his presence. He stepped up to her and tentatively pulled her into his arms and she let herself be enveloped into his chest.

Her chest heaved in his hold as she cried, wishing things were different. "I gave up everything for him," she whispered in between her hiccuppy gasps. "Now I have nothing."

He knew she meant her house, her independence, the freedom and respect she had worked so hard her whole life for. Matt's drunken antics had taken it all. And all because she'd fallen in love with him.

It was inevitable that after such a confronting argument and such an intense exchange of words and revelations bought into the open, that they would fall into bed together again. And they did, later that night. They couldn't dull the magnet that continued to bring them together. As they laid facing each other, their limbs tangled, their arms around each other, their cheeks flushed with desire, Jennifer had to wipe away a tear again. "Thankyou for my birthday card," she whispered, her hand resting softly on his neck, just below his ear.

"You're welcome," he whispered back.

"I can't tell you how much it meant to me," she revealed, a little breathless at the memory. Their lips joined again in a kiss that was more needed and heartfelt than any they'd ever shared before. Being with Nick was the only thing that stopped her tears now.

As they writhed amongst the blankets that night Jennifer couldn't believe how much she had hungered for Nick. Their encounter in the hotel room the month prior had been unexpected, unplanned, nervous. They had not known what had bought them together that day, had not known how to handle the repercussions of it, but today was so totally different. Today they were reconnecting because they wanted each other, not just because they had missed each other. She pressed her body into his desperately, their sweat mixing together, feeling wanted by him in such a vastly different, not to mention better, way than she did with Matt. It occurred to her then that she wanted Matt to get sober for his own benefit, not so that their relationship could get back to what it was. There was no hope of that anymore. Too much had happened.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The following weekend Matt again went to the rehabilitation centre to spend the night, taking part in an intensive two day course. Again Stanley drove him to and from the facility, going above and beyond what any normal boss would do for an employee, and Jennifer felt a sprinkle of relief that she had someone else helping her to shoulder this incredible burden of addiction. It was now a problem so large that not only Matt's life suffered. Jennifer's did too, and she was sure even those of their friends – Duncan, Rhys, Allie – and of Stanley suffered to some extent too. They had all lost the Matty they loved.

Jennifer wanted nothing more than for Matt to stay clean and sober, but it broke her heart every time she kissed him goodbye and sent him away. She felt like she was sending him to jail when he was innocent in every way. But she knew it was for his own good.

The second weekend he spent away from their home was the first time she was slammed with a feeling of freedom again, and it knocked her for six, such an unusual feeling was it. She was taking a bath after Matt and Stanley had left and it suddenly dawned on her how much she felt like Matt's 'sobriety buddy' - his protector of sorts - and how whenever he wasn't around she felt free of the shackles. She exhaled deeply, falling further into the warm water of the large bath and closed her eyes, slipping underneath the tide line for a moment so that she was completely submerged.

When she came back up and took a breath in she stared at her surroundings, feeling disconnected from it all. Nothing felt like hers. Nothing seemed familiar. Without Matt there to be the middle man, this life wasn't hers. She felt like a stranger in somebody else's house, and she quickly stepped out of the bath, chilled to the bone at the unsettling feeling, and towelled herself dry. She padded into the bedroom, the towel still wrapped firmly around her, her hair dripping onto her shoulders, and picked up her iphone from where she'd thrown it earlier on the pillow.

"Nick?" she breathed into the phone a few moments later.

"Jen."

Their voices took on different tones when they spoke to each other. Tones different to any they used with anyone else. A shiver again ran through Jennifer.

"Are you free tonight?" she asked.

They'd had just two encounters since he'd come to Melbourne for his course at the university – just two – but it was more than enough to set the rapids raging. She didn't feel strange calling him at all, and asking him to meet her somewhere.

"I'm just at work," he answered quietly. Jennifer got the feeling he was surrounded by his workmates.

"Oh."

"We'll be done here in an hour, maybe two." His voice was hopeful, but hesitant. The rapids were raging, definitely, but neither still knew quite where it was all going to lead. The uncertainty was both comforting and worrying.

"I just…" she stuttered. "I'm just…" She almost said _I'm just home alone tonight _but didn't when she realised how cheap it sounded. Like some kind of booty call. She shuddered at the immaturity of it all, the cheap feeling washing over her even without her telling him she was home alone. _Dammit _she cursed herself inside her head.

"We can meet for a drink," he offered quietly. "I know a place."

Jennifer smiled, marvelling at the way he read her thoughts still, even after all their years apart.

Nick continued, sensing her eagerness. "There's a little B&B in Fern Tree Gully called The Heritage."

"I'll meet you there at eight."

Jennifer sat in her car in the carpark outside The Heritage waiting for Nick, wondering what the hell she was doing with her life. Was she purposely trying to screw everything up? Was she trying to make Matt hate her? Was she trying to make her hate herself? What was she doing, meeting up with Nick on the sly, when Matt was out of town and she wanted some intimate company? What kind of person did that make her?

She didn't even know if she wanted this – was she just reaching out to Nick because he'd not been able to let their relationship go, even after two years, and had used any excuse to trot back to Melbourne and see her? Was she flattered? Is that why she'd at first rejected but now found herself longing to be with him? Had Nick not come back into her life would she still be as devoted to Matt and his recovery as ever, and once it was complete and he was one hundred percent sober again go back to happily being his partner and share a life with him forever?

The questions swirled around her head at such a frantic pace that it gave her a headache. In the back of her aching head she knew too that this could not go on forever. This affair. Even the word gave her a shudder. Whether Nick was the man she was supposed to be with or not, the fact still remained that they were cheating on their partners and having an affair. It wasn't the right thing to be doing. But as his headlights beamed into the carpark and she watched him from her seat pull into a space a few cars down from where she was, she couldn't imagine spending that night with anyone else but him.

She got out of the car slowly, her aching head still a reminder of just how much she shouldn't have driven thirty minutes to meet Nick, but she ignored it and walked slowly over to him.

When he saw her, he smiled.

He could smell her glorious scent already – the same perfume she had worn all her life, and he had become so accustomed to breathing in and floating away with.

Ten minutes later they were settled in a quiet corner table in the bar, but Jennifer had yet to order a drink. Alcohol had become something she felt the need to avoid these days, because of Matt. She didn't feel comfortable drinking it, because of what it did to him when he drank it. So she toyed with the menu, tracing her index finger around the edges of the wine list, over the prices, across the reds and the whites. She sat opposite him but didn't look at him.

Nick reached out one finger to tap on top of hers on the menu. It got her attention immediately. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." His admittance was innocent and weary, so unsure of whether it was a legitimate thing to be feeling.

Jennifer sighed. "Same here," she replied. She flipped the menu over, then slotted it back in it's holder at the edge of the table so that she couldn't fiddle with it anymore. "Oh Nick," she whispered as she went on. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore." She felt at such a loss. "What we're doing is so wrong, do you realise that?"

Nick nodded. It wouldn't be so wrong if they were both single. "I can't just switch it off though Jen," he replied.

"I know," she said. "Neither can I."

They both sighed simultaneously.

"Do you still want to be with him?" Nick asked fearfully.

Jennifer was shocked he would ask such a probing question. She didn't have an answer though. "I don't know." Her voice was still a whisper, the situation overwhelming her.

"Is he really improving? Or is it a lost cause?"

Jennifer shrugged. "I don't know yet. I feel like it's only just beginning. Like the road is going to be so long and we're only at the start."

"Does he still hit you?"

"He's never hit me."

"Jen-"

"He hasn't Nick," she insisted. "I swear to you, he hasn't."

"Then what were those bruises I saw on your arm that day?"

They were both silent for a moment, remembering the day they let everything change.

"He just grabbed me Nick, that's all."

Nick sniffed crudely. "Looked like more than a grab to me."

Jennifer shook her head. "You weren't there Nick."

"It doesn't matter Jen. He still shouldn't even be laying a finger on you. Not in anger."

She remained silent.

Nick reclined back further in his seat, rubbing tiredly at his forehead. It'd been a long day.

"Well what about your…what's her name?" Jennifer knew her name perfectly well, but she couldn't bear to say it out loud.

"Summer. Her name's Summer."

"What about Summer? Are you two still together?" The words were coming out of her mouth but it didn't feel like her saying them. Never had she ever imagined asking Nick about his current relationship. She didn't really want to know – especially if the answer was that they were still together. Yet the words tumbled out of her mouth anyway, posing the question to him.

"We're still together."

Again they fell silent. Nick was torn, unsure of which way to now turn. Were him and Summer over because he'd slept with another woman? Or did she never have to know and this'd be the last time he and Jen would meet?

Nick exhaled. "You're right, we shouldn't be doing this."

Jennifer looked up and straight at him. "Then why are we Nick? Why can we not stay away from each other? Why do I call you in the middle of the night and come and meet you at some private little nook off the highway? Why do I only want to be with you?!" She was exhausted and ran out of breath for the last few words of her sentence.

Nick reached over and held one of her hands in both of his. "Maybe we made a mistake Jen. Maybe…we just needed time apart."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

The next morning when Jennifer returned to Melbourne her mind was still as clouded as ever with thoughts of Nick. He had managed to invade every part of her, mentally and physically. She almost felt sick it was so engulfing.

To take her mind off it she went into a flurry of cleaning, dragging out the vacuum cleaner, the duster, the iron and the mop, cleaning the house from top to bottom as she waited for Matt to return. When he did a little after four o'clock she felt as tired as he looked.

"Hey Jen," he greeted her as he walked in the front door, wheeling his case slowly behind him. He stood in front of her and she looped her arms around his waist, stepping closer so that her body was flush against his.

"How was it?" she asked quietly as they began to walk towards the stairs so he could dump his suitcase in the bedroom.

His shoulders gave a tiny, uncaring shrug. "It was okay," he mumbled.

She didn't answer his unenthusiastic explanation. His heart isn't in this, she thought.

Matt stopped when he got to the door of their bedroom. "Did you not sleep here last night?"

"What?" Jen was taken aback by the question.

They both looked at the bed and Jennifer's heart sank. She'd made the house sparkle, but she'd forgotten all about the bedroom. The covers of the bed were still pulled back, right to the end of the bed, where together they had pulled them to before Matt had left the previous day. She had said something about airing the bed because the room felt stuffy, and he had helped her to strip back the sheets and blankets. Today they remained in exactly the same position as they had yesterday morning.

She thought fast. "Oh I just thought they needed airing again. This room is suffocating," she babbled. "I think I might actually change the sheets."

Matt looked at her for a moment and then turned back to look at the bed. He walked towards it and shrugged as he set himself down on the corner and began taking off his shoes.

Matt ate dinner with Jennifer and then slept. And slept. And slept. As she laid beside him, trying to get to sleep Sunday night she felt uneasy. Had Matt's suspicions been raised with his question about her not sleeping in their bed the previous night? Again and again, it seemed she couldn't escape being reminded of how wrong it was what she was doing with Nick.

Yet the knowledge that it was wrong didn't seem to be enough to keep her away from him. With an RDO on Monday she knew she should've been spending the time with Matt before they both returned to work on Tuesday, but when he still wasn't awake at 10am she dressed quietly and left the house, not even leaving him a note. For the second time in three days, she headed down the Monash freeway and towards Belgrave.

When she got to the turn off for The Heritage she pulled over and pulled out her phone, searching for Nick's number. She had no idea if he was at work today or not – god, she thought, he could be eating breakfast with that Summer girl right then for all she knew – but she'd come all this way. She had to find out. After the night at the B&B she couldn't refuse him – he was on her mind more than ever before. It was like he was her escape. The escape she wanted to live in forever.

She was too frightened to call, in case he really was eating breakfast with her. So she sent a text instead, avoiding confrontation all she could.

_She's in Geelong this week, doing some cattle deals. I have the day off. _Nick's reply was inviting enough to make her ask for his address, thinking nothing of it because he'd recently asked for hers. Twenty minutes later she was pulling into his driveway.

His house was adorable, yet still manly enough to be a house that Nick would buy. It was rustic and had so much character that it made Jennifer smile. She could see him standing in the front doorway, watching her pull in. She parked and got out, so pleased to be with him again. Her escape.

She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked up the driveway and towards the door where he stood. And then, just like that day in the hotel corridor, when she got a bit closer, she started jogging, and when she was right in front of him she jumped onto him, wrapping her legs tight around his hips and her arms around his neck, kissing him in desperation.

"I was hoping you'd come," Nick whispered between their kisses. She eeked out a smile, her hair in her eyes, and he carried her inside.

When they were well inside the house she suddenly pulled away. "Wait Nick."

"What?" He looked at her curiously.

"I don't want to do this…in the bed you share with her." _It's bad enough we've had sex in the bed I share with Matt _she thought inside.

Nick nodded, understanding.

"I don't think we're gonna make it that far anyway," he breathed.

A look of surprise flashed across Jennifer's face and then she had to laugh. "Nick!" she exhaled, her face breaking into a rare smile. His comment instantly bought back memories of their time together when they were younger. Before Homicide, before Matt, before Summer, when they _had _been daringly intimate, never having to worry about springing apart or being caught. When they had just had fun and been happy together.

So on fire and so in love

Way back when we couldn't get enough

Remind me

Remind me

Do you remember how it used to be?

We'd turn out the lights and we didn't just sleep

Remind me

Remind me

Nick laughed too, and just like that something changed and a lightness fell over them both, like they had shed their worried skins for just the day. He hoisted her up onto the island bench in the middle of his kitchen and wrapped his arms around her tighter, kissing her neck and shoulders with reckless abandon, a smile still on his face.

A few hours later Jennifer left, and just like in the movies, she walked out of the house sheepishly, smoothing her hair down with her hands and pulling her jacket back on as she did the walk of shame back to her car. As she unlocked the door and opened it up her eyes darted quickly up and down Nick's street, looking to see if there were any nosy neighbours eying her off. But she saw nobody.

When she finally got back to Melbourne she didn't even feel guilty at going home to Matt. Being with Nick that day had put her on a high for the first time. She no longer felt guilty, she felt giddy. Being with him was starting to feel better and better. Less and less deniable, if she was honest with herself.

"I was wondering where you'd got to," Matt said when she got back. He was sprawled on the couch in front of the heater, reading the weekend newspapers he had missed. He folded the paper down halfway to reveal his face and look at her as she stood at the foot of the sofa.

Jennifer shrugged at him. "I just went and caught up with Karen. I haven't seen her in a while. We had lunch." It sounded so believable. And Matt took the bait, accepting her answer. She perched herself on the arm of the sofa and looked down at him. "How are you going?"

He nodded, still looking as weary as he had the day before, despite how much he'd slept. "I'm okay," he replied simply. He folded the paper into four and put it down, giving her his full attention. "But Jen…I need to discuss something with you."

"Yeah?" she asked, trepidation in her voice.

"It's not working Jen," he began and for a moment she stopped breathing, thinking he meant their relationship. "Day sessions…weekend sessions…it's not enough. I need more. It's just not working. I've been booked in to stay for a fortnight Jen, from Friday."

Jennifer didn't know what to say. Matt looked at her apologetically. "I don't know how I can spend that long away from you, but I'm going to do it." He pulled at her hand, making her fall off the arm of the chair and into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her as she sat like jelly within his hold, still not knowing what to say. Matt placed a light kiss on her cheek then on her lips, undeterred by how unresponsive she was, still processing the news. But like it was his last supper, he barrelled right on, standing up and scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to the bedroom.

As he made love to her carefully, carefully as he always did, she laid underneath him and knew this would be the last time. She was beginning to feel like a used ragdoll. She felt outside their sex, like she wasn't truly participating. She knew it was because something had to give. And while she didn't want to stop loving Matt, she didn't want to stop loving Nick even more. _There's a reason you shouldn't be with two men at once. There's a reason it isn't right _she chided herself. _You're leading this poor man on._ She hated herself for what she was doing.

She closed her eyes and could barely feel Matt's body against hers.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

On Wednesday Jennifer woke up with a pounding headache but she went to work anyway, eager to try to focus on something else for the day. Her thoughts were so clouded with worry about Matt, who the next day was leaving for the rehabilitation centre and who had become more and more sullen and difficult to live with as the day he left got closer, and of memories of the last time she had seen Nick. She found it odd that they had not been in contact since that day, but she had not the energy or drive to change that. Not today.

At lunchtime Jennifer separated from her colleagues and walked alone to buy her lunch, choosing a sandwich shop on the next block from Homicide. She didn't have the strength today to make conversation, or do anything more than the minimum required. She was relieved to plod along to get her sandwich alone. She felt so tired she wondered if she'd make it through the whole day.

She ate sitting on a bench in the busy plaza nearby the shop but totally zoned out to the flurry of activity around her. She wanted to stay there all afternoon, just away with the fairies, but eventually she hurled herself back up to standing and went back to Homicide. As she stood in the lift and allowed it to float her up to her floor, she closed her eyes for a few seconds of respite before delving back into the workplace.

Her eyes flew back open before the door had even opened. She could hear Matt. He was yelling his lungs out. The doors of the lift opened and Jennifer saw for the first time the scene before her.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING! I AM YOUR SARGEANT AND YOU WILL FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS!" he bellowed at Allie, who stood just as angrily in front of him.

"Well how am I supposed to do that when you're never here to give me instructions half the time Sarge?!" she spat back, not backing down.

Matt recoiled, steam practically coming out of his ears. He didn't have a comeback - everyone in the room could tell. But he wasn't about to give in. He leaned in menacingly closer to Allie's face, his now a deep shade of pink as he hissed angrily at her. "I am still your sargeant Kingston. You still have to obey my orders."

Jennifer crept out of the lift and into the office, dread filling her as she watched the altercation.

Allie turned up her nose at him defiantly. "Your orders are a crock!" she retaliated. "You're not here when we need you, and then when you are you don't know half of what's going on around here. You're barely on the job anymore _sargeant_." She placed daring emphasis on the last word, knowing it would annoy Matt. She shook her head at him and starting walking away. "Senior Sargeant Wolfe does ten times what you do – and does it ten times better."

As she walked away Matt stepped forward and Jennifer knew in a heartbeat that she had to step in. She caught Matt in the splice of a second as he went to reach to grab Allie – a movement she was unfortunately all too familiar with. Jennifer hoped to propel Matt away from Allie, envelop his action so much with her stepping in that it would go unnoticed what he had intended to do. But it was a vain hope, one that was never going to be achieved. Allie noticed immediately and looked in disgust and horror from Matt to his outstretched hand and back to his face again. Her eyes were disbelieving, and although still angry, her body language gave away that she was shocked he was intent on making a grab for her to continue his tirade and make her see his side. She stumbled back a couple more steps, bumping into Duncan who had come up behind to defend her. His face too bore the expression of shock.

"Matt Matt Matt," Jennifer said quietly in a rush. "What's going on? Come on come on, take it easy." She held his upper arms with her hands, and squeezed them over and over as she held his gaze and wouldn't let it go. He tried to move his head to either side, trying to look at Allie again where she stood behind Jennifer, but Jennifer was too quick, and moved her head too, not letting him drop her gaze. "Take a breath Matty," she instructed sternly. "Tell me what's going on."

"What's going on out here?" Stanley suddenly appeared out of his office confines, his glasses in his hand, a frown etched on his forehead. "Sargeant Ryan? What's going on?"

The entire group looked at each other without speaking. Allie folded her arms across her chest, shooting a pissed off 'please explain' look in Matt's direction. Duncan stood behind her, frowning also, keeping a distance from Matt's circle of aggression. And Jennifer still had her hands on Matt's arms, willing him to calm down. He was breathing out hard through his nose and gritting his teeth obviously.

It was Jennifer who spoke up, trying to cool the situation. "Everything's fine Sarge," she replied, forcing a tight lipped smile onto her face and looking over Matt's shoulder at their boss as she slackened her grip on Matt's biceps. "Just a difference of opinion."

Stanley frowned, not believing it. He looked at Matt, expecting an answer. "Sargeant Ryan?" he asked again.

Matt finally opened his mouth and exhaled through there, his hot breath falling over Jennifer. He turned around to face the superior. "Yes," he breathed, visibly containing his anger. "Just a difference of opinion, and trying to keep a handle on some rogue members of our team."

"Rogue?!" Allie spat out. The look on her face was inexplicably mad. She was not the type to be pigeon holed into something she didn't deserve to be. "You sargeant –" she snarled angrily, looking straight at Matt. "Can't do your job properly anymore. If anyone's gone rogue it's you!"

Jennifer leapt to Matt's defence and stared Allie down. "Allie."

Allie stared right back then threw her hands up in surrender. She spun on her heel and walked towards the kitchen and although no one else heard it, Duncan could clearly make out a "fuck this" as she walked away.

"Sargeant Ryan?" Stanley was utterly confused, but Matt had no answer. He shrugged out of Jennifer's hold and walked towards his office, past Stanley and past his whole crew. He stared only at the ground as he walked the ten metres to his office door and only looked up again when Stanley peered worriedly at him, knowing the story behind any such outburst Matt would have lately.

"Sargeant Ryan, I think you should take the rest of today off." His sentence left no room for argument, negotiation or objection. Matt nodded and continued the walk to his office, shutting the door firmly behind him after he'd entered. A few moments later as everyone drifted back to their desks and Stanley had re entered his office, standing purposely at the open door leafing through a file, waiting to see if anything else happened, Matt stalked back out again, not looking at anyone except Jennifer as he made his way to the lifts.

Jennifer didn't follow him though. She watched the lift swallow him up and when he was gone she walked into Stanley's office.

She sat down opposite him and rested an elbow tiredly on his desk, leaning her torso over to the left and into her hand, which rubbed at her eyes and forehead. She grunted with pain at the tenderness her body seemed to be feeling that day.

"What am I supposed to do now sarge?" she asked in despair.

"I'd recommend you follow him home Jennifer."

She sighed in answer.

"He needs you at a time like this."

"I feel like I do everything I can for him and it's still not enough." She was at the end of her rope.

"You can't give up on him Jennifer."

She sighed again. "I know." She had promised him she wouldn't, but she felt so locked into this vicious cycle of helping him through the dark days and being his support stick. It was such a burden for her delicate shoulders. But at the same time she felt guilty for feeling unenthused about helping him. That didn't show much commitment on her behalf did it?

Who's gonna pick you up?

Who's gonna bend your rules?

Who's gonna be your rock?

Who's gonna play your fool?

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

Who's gonna watch your back?

Who's gonna reel you in?

Who's gonna be there at the end?

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

But Stanley was thinking much more in the physical right then and he leaned across his desk opposite Jennifer and spoke very seriously, reminding her of the immediate danger that existed after an argument in public like the one that had just occurred. "You need to follow him home Jennifer," he instructed her. "There is a very real possibility he could go to the bottle shop right now, and go and buy something to help him through this. He'll be thinking it's the only way to feel better, and then all the work he's done at rehab these past few weeks will be wasted. But he won't know that unless you tell him. Unless you steer him away from temptation. You NEED to follow him."

Jennifer sighed, knowing he was right. She got up and quickly walked back to her desk and collected her belongings. As she headed for the lifts Allie approached her, ready to extend an olive branch, but still too angry to be remorseful. "You don't need to put up with this Jen," she said quietly as Jennifer punched the down button with her thumb firmly.

Jennifer brushed off her comment though. "This isn't the right time Allie," she whispered, not looking at her.

By the time she returned home Matt was already there. She saw it as a good sign – she had left only minutes after him. If he had gone to the bottle shop he wouldn't be home yet. But he was. So maybe he hadn't gone. Maybe Stanley had been wrong.

Jennifer entered the house quietly, listening for where he was inside. The place was silent, so she plodded stealthily up the stairs and into their bedroom. There she found him sitting on the floor, leaning against her side of the bed. He sat with one knee bent, his arm dangling off it, and the other leg outstretched. He stared out the window at the afternoon autumn sun, his face expressionless.

She put her bag on the dresser and walked over to sit beside him. He didn't even turn his head. But he did drop his arm off his knee and it fell to the carpet. Jennifer immediately grabbed his hand up, holding it tightly. She watched him for a few moments, noticing his outstretched knee, and his other hand and how they were twitching ever so slightly. The sight stunned her – it was clear he was fighting hard the temptation for a drink to deal with and dull his emotions. She squeezed his hand tighter.

"You're not by yourself Matty," she whispered. "You're not by yourself."

She rested her head on his shoulder and looked out the window too. Underneath her cheek she soon felt his shoulders start to shake as he cried pathetically, trying the whole time to force himself to stop. But his strong policeman veneer was a useless defence against his demons. But it was the only defence he had.

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

Who's gonna bring you round?

Who's gonna let you sleep?

Who's gonna break your frown?

Who's gonna fall down at your feet?

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

When the sky outside became dark and both their stomach's started to rumble, Jennifer wondered whether they should get up and try to be normal and eat and shower and sleep. Matt didn't seem to want to get up, but he did read her mind about eating, and slipped his mobile out of his pocket, arranging for a pizza to be delivered in just a few short bursts of words. When they heard the doorbell ring half an hour later he looked at her and she got up immediately to answer it, a small part of her not trusting him to go to the door with money in his hand and not hightail it out to his car and drive to the liquor store. _I can't believe it's come to this _she thought as she walked down the stairs. _I don't even want to let him answer the door._

When a few minutes later she walked back up she found Matt in exactly the same position in which she'd left him,so she sat back down beside him and they spread the box over their laps and ate in silence.

The night went by so quickly after they ate, and Jennifer was getting cramps sitting on the hard floor. She eased herself up and forced Matt to stand with her. She placed a hand on his chest in the dim room and looked at him caringly. "Why don't you have a shower?" she suggested quietly. He nodded and walked wordlessly to the en suite.

When he was gone she laid down on the bed at last and crawled under the sheets without even taking off her work clothes. But her mind wouldn't switch off. When Matt crawled into bed a little while later, smelling clean and fresh but with a vapour of despair still clinging to him, he too had other things on his mind apart from sleep. He drew her in closely to him and kissed her on the mouth, but she wouldn't let him go any further.

"Matt," she whispered, facing him in the dark. "You need to get some sleep."

"Please Jen," he begged quietly. "I'm not going to see you for two weeks. I already miss you."

But she was insistent. "No Matt," she replied. She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering the days date. "It's not…" she drifted off and he knew what she meant. "Not tonight."

He sighed and pulled her in close anyway and they tried to fall asleep. It took a while but eventually Matt did, fitfully, and Jennifer watched him frown and grunt in his slumber, it not being as peaceful and soothing as sleep was supposed to be for a person.

At 2am she got up to go to the toilet and there wondered if her date calculations had been wrong. She frowned, bringing up a mental picture of the calendar. _No, I'm not wrong_, she assured herself. _That's the date. Like clockwork._


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"Who is she?" Summer whispered tersely.

Nick looked at the ground, ashamed he had done what he'd done.

"Who is she Nick!" her voice rose.

He shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what to say. He didn't want to say that she was a mistake, a fling, a moment of weakness, a stupid indiscretion, because she wasn't in his eyes. She was Jennifer. But he knew to say those things to Summer would make her feel better about what he had done. He knew telling her he loved Jennifer more than her, or perhaps had never really stopped loving Jennifer and had never loved Summer, that that would kill her. He didn't want to say it.

He shook his head. He was still ashamed. Ashamed that he was going to be that guy who treated this beautiful, caring woman so poorly. The guy who had cheated on a woman who didn't deserve to be cheated on. _I bet she's never had any other boyfriends cheat on her _Nick thought to himself. It only made him feel worse.

"She's someone I used to know…" he answered finally, only then able to meet her wounded eyes. "From Melbourne. From Homicide."

Nick knew Summer was a simple country girl. She wanted a love everlasting. And she thought he was going to give that to her. And who could blame her? He'd done everything there was to do that lead her to believe he would.

"How long has it been going on?" she asked. She was so upset, Nick almost couldn't keep looking at her devastated face.

Again Nick didn't want to answer, but her eyes extracted the truth from him with just one look. He sighed heavily, feeling the last card fall from the house. "Since I went to Melbourne for that course at the university."

Summer breathed in and didn't let it out. She was visibly trying to hold back more tears and screams, and managed to contain them long enough to gather her hand bag and car keys and shove Nick so hard on the chest as she walked past him and out the door that he fell back, stumbling onto the stools that sat underneath the kitchen bench.

"I knew you were too good to be true Nick," she cried as she slammed his front door.

_Are you alone at home?_

_Yes. We broke up the other day._

Jennifer gasped. She had previously felt guilty, creeping around still, finding out if he was alone in his house. But with his response she suddenly felt something new.

_Can I come and see you?_ She texted back.

_Please_ was his only reply. He knew it was completely disrespectful and if Summer had been around to see, it would've been like he was rubbing her face in it, but with his reply he invited Jennifer to Belgrave. If someone saw her then someone saw her. _Wouldn't be the first time. _

She finally arrived late on Thursday afternoon, parking her car right inside the garage next to his ute and snooping around enough in there to find the right button on the wall to close the garage door, hiding away her car from sight. She didn't want to rub salt into the wound of Nick's reputation in this town.

When he let her in they sat down at the kitchen table, not knowing what to say to each other. Nick didn't know that Matt was away, but he assumed, otherwise she would not have asked to come. He hated the to-ing and fro-ing of it all, the hiding, the living on a knife edge. He wondered if she did too.

"Someone saw you," he whispered sadly.

Jennifer nodded. Even though she'd looked around that day, looked to see if anyone was out and about in the street, watching her leave Nick's place looking naughtily dishevelled, and had seen no one, she hadn't felt safe. There could have easily been someone kneeling in their garden, working on their car, standing at a front window, watching her, that she hadn't seen. And obviously, there had been someone.

"I'm ashamed." Nick's admittance was quiet and said in a small voice, but the emotion was drenching. "It shouldn't have ended like that. It shouldn't have happened that way." He looked up at Jennifer.

She was at a loss for words. Was she supposed to apologise? Did he blame her lack of sneakiness for his break up with Summer?

"Now she's gone," he went on, his voice still small. "And you're still helping a drunk battle his demons and I'm alone."

Jen frowned, not impressed with his woe is me attitude. "Oh Nick, poor you."

She wanted him to not be with Summer, she supposed. Heck she had always wanted him to not be with Summer, just so that she herself could be with him. But he'd only split from her because she'd found out about his infidelity thanks to small town gossip. He was only sad now because he didn't have Summer and he still also didn't have Jen. It seemed childish for a moment.

"Are you being serious Jen?" he asked, dumbstruck. He had expected something nicer from her.

"Yeah I'm being serious," she retorted. "Poor you, all alone. Now you don't have a stable relationship with Summer to go with your unstable relationship with me! Poor you."

"What?!" he stood up.

"You could've broken up with her on your own terms Nick. You could've owned up to it before she found out from someone else."

"Are you being serious?" he asked again, not able to believe what he was hearing.

She nodded back.

"Hey I'm not the only one who's cheating here. You're doing it twice as bad as me. Summer was normal…just normal. You're cheating on a guy who's in the grips of addiction. You don't have the right to talk down to me Jen!"

Nick stormed over to the fridge and yanked the door open, grabbing himself a beer. He set it on the island bench in the middle of the kitchen and dug in the drawer for a bottle opener but when he found it he stopped, realising the irony. He pushed the beer aside.

"And you can't tell me to do the same as you! I can't just drop Matt!" She stood up also, joining him near the bench.

"When have I ever told you to? I've told you you shouldn't be with him, because he's abusive, but I have never told you to end your relationship!"

"You don't get a say anyway!" she screamed back. "It's not as easy as just walking out."

Nick was silent. He felt powerless. No Summer. A Jennifer who refused to make the sacrifices for him that he'd been forced to make for her. Nothing.

"Why are you here then?" he kept his voice low, not wanting to give the neighbours anymore to gossip about. "'Cos you had an itch?"

Part of him couldn't believe he was speaking in such a way to her. Nothing like that had ever come out of his mouth when he'd spoken to Jennifer. And she too knew it, reeling back a little upon hearing such a crude accusation.

"No," she whispered, fighting back an onslaught of tears that suddenly rushed to well in her eyes.

He shrugged his shoulders at her again, bullying her for an answer.

Her face half broke, but she kept it together. "Jesus Nick!" she whispered. "I might be pregnant and you're hurling this at me?"

That was the last thing Nick expected to hear. "What?"

She nodded, one hand on her hip and the other at her forehead, trying to rub away the worry lines again.

Nick frowned, looking at her. "Aren't you…on the Pill?" He tried to remember the times in the past when they'd had that kind of regular relationship.

Jennifer's mind reeled for a moment, disbelieving of the cold detached way in which he asked her the question. "Weren't you the one who always wanted children?" she asked just as horribly back. Her voice was cold, trying to mask her hurt.

Nick leant on the bench with both hands and dropped his head so that he was staring at the space between his feet. He sighed dramatically again, unable to keep it in. "Yes, yes," he admitted. She was right. He had always wanted kids. A whole tribe of them. But not like this. So many things were wrong with this.

"So what kind of response is that?" she asked him.

Nick shrugged. He had no answers left.

"Are you sure?" he asked timidly.

She shrugged a tiny shrug, feeling so vulnerable all of a sudden. "I'm just…late. It might be nothing."

"What are we going to do?" he asked.

Jennifer just shrugged. She had no answers left either.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Jennifer left Nick's not much later. Neither had the answers they needed, so they left the issue hanging mid air, unsure of what to do with it. Jennifer was hurt at Nick's surprise – she wanted him to be excited, ecstatic, that what he had always wanted was quite possibly happening. It would've made her a whole lot less scared about the situation. But he was only dumbstruck, and it was not comforting. It only confirmed for her that he was as terrified and shocked about it as she was.

As she drove back to the house she shared with Matt, she thought about just how much her life might be changing before her very eyes. She was scared, nervous, terrified to the very depths of her soul. She knew she should get a pregnancy test – confirm her fears. But she didn't. She had far more important things to worry about – like sending Matt off safely to rehab the next day. She knew a fortnight away was going to seem like an eternity to him.

When she walked into the house not much later she found him sitting at the kitchen table in the semi darkness. She hovered by the door, unsure whether or not to approach. She noticed the glass in his hand.

"Matt?" she asked quietly, throwing the question out into the darkness.

He looked up from his glass and over to her. "What?"

"Are you okay?"

He threw back the last gulp of his drink roughly. "I'm fan-bloody-tastic."

Jennifer pressed her lips together, suddenly nervous to get any closer. She stayed by the door.

"Where have you been?" he asked with a snarl in his voice. It was the snarl that gave away just how much he'd been drinking. That snarl meant he'd had at least three or four. Jennifer's breathing became uneven. For the first time he was asking her his question with accusation in his voice.

"Just at the office…finishing up some paperwork," she murmured back, not meeting his eyes.

Matt picked up his glass and slammed it back down hard on the table top, a few drops flying out of it and puddling the wood finish. "BULLSHIT!" he roared. "Don't lie to me Jen. I called there!"

She'd been caught in her lie, and they both knew it. She didn't know what to say.

"Can I not trust you anymore?" he continued to yell.

Her head shook. "You can Matty," she replied, insisting.

But they had both lost all their trust, and they were finally being made to believe it. She couldn't trust him not to succumb to the drink, and he couldn't trust her to be faithful.

"Don't lie to me!"

"Matt…" Jennifer hovered at the bottom of the staircase, stepping up onto the first step.

"You've been with Nick haven't you?"

She couldn't answer. If she'd said no he would've accused her of lying. If she said yes he'd be proved correct in his raging suspicions. She couldn't win either way. So she said nothing, which also gave her game away.

She stepped up another step.

Matt hurled his glass across the room and it smashed against the wall by the refrigerator. Jennifer gasped and watched as he destroyed the nice organisation of work he'd had assembled on the other end of the table from where he'd been sitting in one fell swoop, sending it sprawling to the floor, the papers fluttering down slowly like huge snowflakes. He grunted in angry rage, frowning incredibly hard, his face so red. He shoved over a chair, and then with that out of his way he came closer to her.

But she wasn't waiting around to let him get too close. She bolted up the stairs, breathing hard, terror in her veins, and locked herself in the bathroom on the second floor. She sunk to a crouching position between the back of the door and the bathtub and pulled out her mobile phone. Her hands shook uncontrollably as she dialled Nick's number.

As she waited for him to answer, holding the phone, trembling, to her ear, she could hear Matt still yelling downstairs, thrashing around, the alcohol he'd drunk bringing out the person in him she never wanted to know. A lone tear slipped down her cheek as Nick finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"Nick I'm frightened," she breathed. Matt was making enough of a ruckus downstairs that he never would've been able to hear her anyway, but she felt the need to whisper all the same.

"What? Jen? What's the matter?" Nick could hear the fear in her voice.

But she was so frightened she could barely get out any words. She cried into the phone.

"Save me."

Nick ignored the speed limit his entire journey. He was so concerned about Jennifer's safety that he figured he'd worry about speeding fines later. He had to get to her. _If that animal's hurt her_ he thought viciously, clenching his teeth with fury over Matt laying even a finger on this woman they both loved so much.

You're just hanging onto your pride

Hold onto me now

I'm on your side

I'm on your side when you think there's no one

I'm on your side when darkness falls

I'm on your side

All you gotta do is call

The time of night was late, thankfully, and because he had sped so much he got to the house in half the time it would've normally taken him. The light traffic had helped immensely. But he didn't care about that as he flew out of his car, not even shutting the door behind him, and ran across the front yard and to the front door.

When he got to it he stopped, breathing hard. It was ajar – a sight that chilled Nick to the bone. Were they even there? He thought to himself. What had happened? He pushed the door with one finger, opening it just enough to step inside. The house was silent as he tiptoed into the entryway.

Then came a crash from the direction of the kitchen and Nick ran towards it. It was so dark by then, well after 8pm, and Nick fumbled blindly almost, towards the sounds. He came face to face with Matt's back. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, having just swept another appliance off it, determined to sweep anything aside that was in his way or looked at him wrong.

Nick's mind squealed, wondering if Jennifer was huddled in the darkness somewhere that he couldn't see, and maybe he would trip over her if he stepped into the room. Or maybe Matt had already hurt her.

"OI!" he boomed. He reached for the light switch and turned it on, and the scene before him was astounding.

Matt turned around, squinting his eyes, like a deer caught in the head lights, stunned. When he realised who it was who had called out to him he ran another hand across the counter top, coming into contact with a coffee mug, and sending it smashing to the floor.

"You!" he bellowed looking right at Nick.

Nick stood firm, not about to back down. He was already breathing easier as with the turning on of the light he'd been able to see Jennifer was nowhere in sight and it enabled him to hold onto the hope that she was tucked away safely, unharmed, elsewhere.

"What the hell have you done to Jen?" Nick bellowed back. "Where is she?"

"Like I'm going to bloody tell you! You're the one who she's been rooting around with behind my back!"

Nick and Matt locked eyes, the fury heavy between them, all over one scarlet woman.

"Where is she!" Nick yelled back.

Matt shook his head angrily. "I figured it all out Nick," he spat, ignoring Nick's question. "A moment of clarity." He was still snarling, and it was an ugly sound, if ever Nick had heard one. "The unslept in bed, the constant denials about being over you, the lunch dates with girlfriends. You bastard."

Nick stepped up to the plate. "If you've hurt her…"

"I think I actually knew it a long time ago, but I tried to ignore it."

"Is that why you've turned into a drunk is it?" Nick spat back. "Don't have the balls to stay sober and keep your woman? Keep her happy so she doesn't stray?"

That was Matt's final straw, broken. He lunged at Nick, throwing a sloppy punch that tapped Nick's chin on its way down. Nick expertly avoided the brunt of the blow, hurling a punch instead straight into Matt's stomach as he stumbled over in his drunken stupor after missing his right hook at Nick.

"Ooofff," Matt breathed out raggedly, struck down by Nick's powerful blow.

Nick looked down at him, now hunched over, recovering. "I don't think she was ever happy with you mate."

The accusation propelled Matt up again, ready to fight on, and Nick was momentarily caught unprepared, not thinking Matt would have the strength to get back up. Nick stumbled backwards, falling half a dozen steps rearward, into the entryway and closer to the stairs. Matt this time got in a perfect punch, catching Nick right in the hard bit of jaw by his earlobe, and sending him sprawling even further backward, falling onto the first couple of steps.

But Nick was in a better state, not drunk like Matt, so was able to recover quicker. He got right back up and threw a retaliating punch just as Jennifer finally emerged from the bathroom in time to see the commotion at the bottom of the staircase. She hurried down the stairs, clawing at each of the men's shirts, trying to break up the fight, and they staggered oddly, trying to still punch each other but avoid her.

"Stop it!" she yelled, using all the strength she had to pull them apart. "Stop it!"

She didn't know what else to do, or say, but thought for a second it must've worked because they came apart easily, light from the kitchen shining between their bodies again as there was distance put between them. Jennifer was confused for a moment, wondering where she had got such strength from, but then she realised she hadn't done it at all. Stanley and Duncan had appeared out of nowhere and separated the two sparring men. She'd already forgotten she had called them. And they had come to her rescue not a moment too soon.

"Duncan, take Matt out to the car." Stanley's voice was gruff and serious and Duncan did immediately as he said after throwing a worried, sympathetic look in Jennifer's direction.

She had sunk down to sit on the stairs, her knees raised, her arms folded across them. Her hair was a mess, her breathing still shaky. She'd been involved in brawls before, regularly in fact, as part of her line of work. But this was something else. Only a brawl between two men you loved inexplicably, and who you had once placed so much love and trust in, could make your hands shake like hers were right then, she thought.

Stanley stood square in front of Nick, blocking him from Jennifer's view. "Jennifer, are you all right?" he asked calmly.

She nodded, still not saying a word.

Stanley nodded right back. "Neither of them struck you?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Good," he finished. "I want you to stay here with the super intendant then."

Jennifer suddenly looked up and beyond Stanley and Nick as her boss said his last few words. There was Bernice, standing officially in the corner of the room, allowing Stanley to dismantle and calm the situation, before she swooped in and neatened up the loose ends now the fracas was over.

Bernice walked over to where Jennifer was sitting and Jennifer hurriedly got to her feet. "Ma'am."

"It's all right Jennifer," Bernice soothed, putting a hand on Jennifer's shoulder. "You can stay seated if you want to."

Jennifer sat back down on the step despondently, taking her eyes away from her superior's.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Bernice asked again.

Jennifer nodded. "I'm fine…" she answered quietly. "Just…shocked."

With that raw answer Bernice's armour was stripped away and she became a friend, a counsellor, an advocate for violence against women, not Jennifer's uber boss. She sat herself down next to the young blonde.

She sighed as she began to speak. "You can't let anything shock you Jennifer," she said in a hushed tone. "You should know that by now. Haven't you been in the job long enough?"

Jennifer nodded sadly. "I know. But I never thought Matt…"

Bernice softened further, realising then just how many deep scars this experience would leave Jennifer with for life. "He's not himself like this Jennifer," she explained, referring to Matt, now out of their sight in a CI car outside. "But you have to decide if you can hang on and fight for the old him to come back…or if you want to end the fight. Has he pushed you past the point of no return?"

Jennifer thought back over the last year, the poignant moments like flashes of light through her head. "I don't know."

"Well whichever," she replied. "You shouldn't have to put up with this Jennifer."

Nick stood just metres away, watching the interaction and silently agreeing with Bernice's every word.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Fifteen minutes later Stanley reappeared, speaking quietly to Bernice by the front door. When their conversation was over he looked up and over at Jen and Nick who still hovered near the stairs.

Stanley looked only at Jennifer though. "We're leaving," he informed her. "I'm taking him to the hospital to get cleaned up, then straight onto the rehab facility. I've made some calls. They can admit him tonight instead of tomorrow like we'd planned."

Jennifer nodded. She stood and took a deep breath. "I want to see him before you take him away."

"Jennifer-" Stanley protested. But she was already walking towards the front door.

Nick just watched silently, not knowing what to think anymore.

Jennifer jogged out across the dewy grass and over to the car where Duncan sat with Matt in the backseat. Matt was slumped in defeat, resting his head on the headrest, his eyes closed. He was swamped in shame. Duncan saw Jennifer before he did.

She opened the door. "Matty?" she said.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, his eyes now full of regret. "I'm sorry Jen."

Her chin quivered with emotion and she reached her hands out to pull his face towards hers and she kissed him lovingly. "It's okay," she reassured him. "I love you."

Duncan watched the interaction with a frown and as she stepped back out onto the driveway, Stanley got into the driver's seat and they drove away, he wondered: did one of his closest friends have battered wife syndrome?

I'm on your side

When others turn on you

I'm on your side

When your back's to the wall

I'm on your side

Back inside a moment later Jennifer found herself alone in the living room with Nick. He was lost for words, having just witnessed from afar what Duncan had seen up close. He went to ask her to explain herself but she got in before him, shrugging her shoulders.

"It doesn't matter what you call it Nick," she whispered. "Love by any other name is still love."

He wanted to cry himself. "And what about me?" he asked her pointedly. "You ask me to come and save you and then I do, and five minutes later you go back to him? I don't understand Jen!" He was angry and hurt and wanted her to make a decision one way or the other who she was going to be with.

She shrugged, the energy completely drained from her. She didn't have the words to explain to Nick the sense of responsibility she still felt towards Matt.

Nick leant in a bit closer so Bernice couldn't hear what he was about to say from her stand point in the kitchen. "If you're pregnant with _my _child, I don't want you anywhere near him."

"And if I'm not?"

"You still shouldn't be with him." Nick didn't want to entertain either thought – her being pregnant with Matt's child and staying with him or her not being pregnant and still staying with him as well. He went on. "You need to decide what you want Jen," he breathed, stroking her arm so lightly she could barely feel it.

They didn't hug. Nor say anything else. Nick simply went home to nurse his swollen jaw and Bernice remained in Jennifer and Matt's house and did paperwork on the coffee table in the living room as she waited for Jennifer to retire to bed and Stanley to call her with an update. It was the start of a long night.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Nick laid awake all night, the pain in his jaw not allowing him to get any sleep, but the bullet train of thoughts speeding through his head keeping him up even more. At dawn he finally gave up on trying to sleep and hurled himself out of bed and got dressed. Even though it was costing a fortune in petrol and each trip seemed more and more ridiculous, he got in his car again anyway, and drove back to Melbourne.

He knew Jennifer would be awake. He knew her so well that sometimes she didn't even realise he was reading her thoughts. He'd told her the previous night that she needed to decide what she wanted, and now, the impatient copper in him needed to know her answer. Surely the ten or so hours they'd spent apart was enough time to have decided.

He was wrong. But she allowed him inside and they sat side by side on her bed, both the picture of exhaustion and confusion. He looked at her, begging for answers.

"If I am…" she began, reading his mind too, knowing he wanted her answers. "…I know it's yours Nick."

A shudder of relief flooded through Nick, and for a second he thought only selfishly of himself, celebrating the small victory. It was his child. But with the next second came the next question his mind threw up. "How do you know?" It seemed like the most personal of personal questions, and even though he and Jen had always been pretty damn personal, it still felt like a violation of her privacy. It was the kind of thing no one should ever be asked.

But Jennifer was surprisingly cool and calm about him posing the question to her. She knew he'd ask. It was simply his natural curious reflex to ask. She said it matter of factly, spelling it out for him to understand. "Matt is always very careful. He wanted a baby but I said no. He never, ever went against what I wanted." As she got to the end of her sentence her voice became wistful. "But you…there's too much passion with you, too much…I've always relied only on the Pill."

They sat silently for a moment, letting the awkward explanation hang in the air between them. He felt guilty deep inside, as if not using more protection other than the Pill was something Jennifer didn't like about sleeping with him. But looking at her, her face did not suggest that, so he shoved the guilt away and tried to relax.

Jennifer reached out a hand and laid it lightly on his knee. He just stared at it, unsure of what to say.

"Nick," she whispered. "Please don't get your hopes up. Don't let this become some huge thing in your head. I could just be late."

She tried to pin Nick and his dreams down but inside she knew.

_I'm never late._

As they poked and prodded him that night, and into the next day, making sure he wasn't under the influence of absolutely anything, Matt at last let reality sink in. Without some alcohol to cloud the real realities of life he finally was able to see the whole picture. But it wasn't pretty, and he still longed for a drink, just so that he could make the truth seem further away and not so bad.

This time he knew it would be one hundred times harder than it had been all the other times he'd been at the rehabilitation centre. He knew he'd not really taken it seriously all those other times – simply returning home after he was released and slipping very quickly back into old habits. But it was those old habits that he knew were destroying his life. Yet at the same time they seemed like habits he didn't have the power to break.

He laid still in the single bed in his room the morning after, knowing someone would probably soon come in to wake him and make sure he went and ate breakfast. But he didn't feel like eating, only drinking. He knew now he had an addiction: when it was breakfast time and all he wanted was alcohol and not weetbix. He actually ran his tongue over his lips as he laid there, missing the taste of his poison. If he didn't feel so rotten from his hangover and the aches and pains that now teased him at every point of his body from the altercation with Nick, he would've got out of bed sooner.

As he laid there he also thought of Jennifer. He missed her terribly and still felt swamped by the shame of the night before. He knew she was genuinely frightened of him now, and it would be a feeling she would never be able to let go of. How had he let it come to that? He loved her. And yet he treated her like she never deserved to be treated.

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

Later they forced him to sit around a table with the half dozen other patients staying at the centre. Matt immediately felt uncomfortable sitting among them, now not being able to deny that he was one of them, just like them, exactly like them. A person with a problem. And sitting among them silently, each of them not able to crack a smile, some fiddling with coffee cups or tissues, their fingernails or their hair, he actually found himself wondering if they would understand how he felt. He'd tried to explain it to Jennifer, to Stanley, to the night air, but maybe these people could understand, because they were in the same position?

And they could. He found his most intimate feelings tumbled out so easily amongst a battered, imperfect group of people such as these, and their lack of reply was actually exactly what he wanted. They didn't want to help – they couldn't anyway – they just wanted to listen. To know that other people apart from themselves struggled with problems too. And that was what Matt needed.

He began quietly at first, speaking his words without much gusto, and not making eye contact with any of them. "I've ruined everything good I had in my life. A promotion, a great home, great friends," he revealed. The patients around him sat silently, knowing none of them were in the position to offer advice. "But what kills me most is that I've ruined my relationship with my partner. I've all but driven her away."

He continued. "I had been thinking of asking her to marry me. But now…I dunno. After the last few months…I don't think she'd say yes anymore. I love her more than anything but…" a lump rose in his throat. "…I don't think she'd say yes." He clenched his jaw and blinked long and hard several times to keep back the pesky tears hovering behind his eyes.

"And not just because I drink. And not just because…" he took a deep, sharp breath in, shocked already at what was to next come out of his mouth. "…I've raised a hand to her in the past." He avoided all the eyes that were looking at him all of a sudden, so ashamed at what he was revealing. "But because I know she's seeing somebody else…and that she's not telling me."

It kills him inside

To know that I am happy with some other guy

Matt wondered if the other people in the room had been as horrible a human being as he had. But he quickly dismissed the feeling – even if these people he was sitting with had murdered and killed and beaten and stripped their loved ones of all happiness, it still wouldn't have made him feel any less bad about what he'd done to Jen. He shrugged his shoulders and looked back into their eyes again. They were hanging onto his every word.

"I don't blame her though," he sighed. "I let her down. I would've strayed too if I were in her position." He ran two hands through his hair then, ruffling it roughly with his fingers, trying to shake free the tense feeling that began at his crown and just went all the way down to the tips of his toes. "But I just keep remembering how we used to be so happy. And now it's just…gone."

Even though he was amongst equals, when a tear trickled down his cheek, he was embarrassed and wiped it away quickly.

_How has my life come to this? _He thought.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

They sat on the couch in the living room later and struggled to talk to each other. There was so much to say yet not a single good way to bring any of it up. And Nick found himself staring at her stomach anyway, trying to detect if there was a baby inside her. His eyes bored holes into her, trying magically to make some little bump appear and confirm his dream. It took her a while to notice his incessant staring, her mind obviously elsewhere, but when she did she shot him a wounded look, begging with him. She corrected her posture in her seat beside him, sitting up straighter, turning slightly away from him. "Nick," she whispered. "Please don't."

It hurt him to hear her say something like that. It made it sound like they were at odds, like they weren't as close as they so obviously were, like they didn't love each other. When really, they did. It was clear to Nick that Jen was still not entirely comfortable with the thought of having children, which wounded him as much as her face portrayed her own worry. Maybe she would never be ready? But he wanted to tell her exactly that: there were some things in life you just could not plan for, nor be fully prepared for, and having a baby was just one of them.

But he didn't say it. Saying stuff like that to Jen, trying to make her see reason and put her worries at ease never worked. She thought too hard about everything, let everything get to her, dissected and stewed over every single thing in her life – from men to work to what she ate for lunch - and people reassuring her to slow down or relax never even registered with her. It was something of a fatal funnel in her character. Her doggedness had once been something Nick had fallen in love with, a character trait of hers he really admired, probably because he too had a never say die attitude, especially when it came to police work. But now, he wanted more than anything just for her to breathe out.

"Are you going to find out for sure?" he asked, tearing his eyes away from her middle and up to her face.

"Nick."

"No Jen," he insisted, a little bit annoyed. "What are you going to do? Wait until you're six months in and then finally admit to yourself that you're pregnant?"

"I might not be."

"Well don't you want to know either way?" _I know I do, _he thought to himself.

Jennifer remained silent for a moment. Eventually she spoke. "Of course I do," she whispered. "But…not yet. It's not the right time."

"There'll never be a right time Jen."

They fell silent again.

"You can't understand the responsibility I feel towards him Nick," she finally said, her tone hushed, but her eye line never wavering from his. She knew she couldn't explain it properly to Nick. He would never understand. He wasn't walking in her shoes.

She sighed as she went on. "I feel like it's my duty to help him through this," she explained. "I promised him I wouldn't give up on him."

Nick nodded sombrely, taking it in. "But what about you? What about your happiness?"

Jennifer shrugged, pulling her feet up onto the couch and her knees to her chest so that her stomach was covered, in the vain hope it would stop Nick x-raying her with his stare. She felt like Matt's happiness was more important right now.

"Do you still love him?"

That one she had an answer for, which surprised her. It shot out of her mouth instantly. "No, I don't think so." She dropped her head back onto the couch cushions at her neck and closed her eyes briefly as she sighed loudly. "I think I've fallen out of love with him."

Nick remained quiet, watching her.

She bought her head back up and they connected gazes again. "But you don't understand Nick, the guilt I feel. It just won't leave me." She hugged her knees even tighter into her body. "Matt is at his lowest point and I'm being unfaithful. That makes me just…the worst kind of human being."

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful

And it kills him inside

To know that I am happy with some other guy

I can see him dying

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to be the reason why

Every time I walk out the door

I see him die a little more inside

I don't want to hurt him anymore

I don't want to take away his life

"Oh Jen, no it doesn't," Nick insisted just as quietly. H reached out and pulled one of her hands away from her grip on her knees and held it. He laced his fingers through hers, marvelling inside at how they slipped so easily together, a mixture of male and female fingers, always meant to be together.

But she wasn't listening. Tears welled in her eyes instead. "And now he's worked it out Nick. He's figured it all out. I didn't do a very good job of hiding it-"

Nick cut in, feeling a little angrier. "You shouldn't have had to Jen!"

"Yes I did," she argued back. "He's so vulnerable right now. I should've protected him more from everything."

Nick shook his head, feeling unable to win the argument. "But what about you Jen? _What about you?" _

She looked at him again and found her face frustratingly crumbling before him. The tears fell down her cheeks slowly as they just stared at each other for a few moments before she hesitantly leant forward a little towards him and he took her naturally into his arms. And there she settled, neither of them moving from the couch for hours. Eventually they fell asleep, huddled together in a tight ball of limbs and rhythmical breathing.

Just after sundown they were both woken by Jennifer's mobile phone ringing. Its shrill tone was a disturbing interruption to their peaceful slumber, which had been serving as a way of melting away worry and grief with every hour that passed in which they slept. Jennifer lifted her head off Nick's chest and then sat up straight, pulling herself out of his arms. He frowned, watching her with eyes half closed as she struggled to get up off the couch without disturbing him. But it was too late. He too sat up, but stayed on the couch while she got up and walked into the next room to answer the irritating iphone.

He couldn't hear her conversation, but it went for only a few minutes. Then it was silent in the kitchen. Nick frowned and got up to see what she was doing. As he stepped around the edge of the couch and into the hallway to make his way towards the kitchen where she was, she stepped out suddenly and brushed past him roughly, barely even noticing him in her way.

He jumped back, startled. "Jen!" he called out as she walked briskly towards the stairs as if he wasn't even there. "Jen what's going on?"

She jogged up the staircase, talking as she climbed it. "Matt's been in an accident."

"What?" Nick stopped halfway up the staircase.

She turned around and looked into his eyes for a brief second. She nodded absent mindedly. "I don't know what's happened, but he's in hospital."

"What, like a car accident? Or…?" Nick didn't want to say suicide attempt. Mostly because he cared too much for Jennifer's well being to put out there such a horrible possibility, and put it in her head. But he also didn't say it because he might've thought a lot of things about Matt Ryan, but suicide was not one of them. Even these days.

By now Jennifer was in the bedroom, grabbing her handbag off the back of the bedroom door where it hung on a hook and shrugging on a jacket hurriedly. "I think so," she stuttered. "They didn't really say. I just have to get down there." She brushed past him again and bustled back down the stairs.

He was hot on her heels. "Jen! Jen wait!"

But she didn't turn around. She grabbed her keys off the kitchen bench and simply headed for the front door. Nick ran after her, shoving his hand into his pocket for his own keys. "Jen! I'll drive you." He was so insistent that she didn't even try to argue. And deep down she knew anyway it was probably a better idea for him to drive. Her teeth were already rattling around inside her head she was so frantic.

He beeped his car unlocked and they both slipped inside, did up their seatbelts and sped away. The journey to the Royal Melbourne took only ten minutes but on the way there Nick could sense Jen's strong veneer deteriorating with every kilometre they drove. She sat forward in her seat, the seatbelt straining over her shoulders, and watched the road as Nick manouvered his way through the city and to the hospital. She wouldn't speak and her hands gripped her handbag tightly. Nick felt a sense of doom begin to seep through him.

When they arrived they rushed inside the emergency department together and Jen asked breathlessly for directions to her supposed loving boyfriend. The two of them were led down several hallways and into a secluded area, where a few single rooms branched off the corridor like leaves off a branch. When they stopped outside one darkened room Nick hung back as Jennifer was led inside. He felt it best he stay away. Whatever the situation, it was not his place. It was difficult to watch Jennifer walk in alone, but he knew it was better that way.

So instead he sat out in the hallway on a hard plastic chair and waited. The door was shut, but after five minutes a doctor emerged, but did not stop to talk to Nick, simply bustling away up the corridor to his other patients. Nick sighed. When would be the best time to venture in and get Jennifer? Should he venture in at all? It probably isn't my place, he thought. It was so hard to keep out of the whole mess though when the woman he loved was tangled up like a fly in a web in the middle of it. He sighed again and went back to waiting. He thought he could hear her crying in there, but he couldn't be sure, and again, even though it took all his strength not to jump to her rescue, he stayed put. Of course she would be crying. But he didn't feel it right that he go in.

Another ten minutes passed. Nick adjusted his position in the uncomfortable chair. He looked at his watch and counted the seconds each minute contained as they ticked by. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fift-

She emerged, but walked straight past him and into the female toilet just a couple of metres away. She'd definitely been crying, but he had only a second to look at her before she disappeared into the bathroom. Nick frowned and noticed the door close with a very hard thump.

He stood up, his hands in his pockets, turning one way and then the other, not sure what to do and where to go, when the unmistakable buzz of a nurses call button pierced the air from inside the bathroom, even with the door closed. Nick turned in the direction of the noise. A nurse made her way over from the room next door and knocked on the heavy bathroom door where Jennifer remained.

"Is everyone okay in there?" she called into the crack. Her question made Nick suck in his breath and hold it, the dread seeping through him even further than it had earlier.

A female voice answered back. "She's collapsed!"

The response sprung the nurse into action. She called out towards the nurses station only a few metres away.

"Can I have a wheelchair over here please?"

Nick felt helpless, and watched two of the nursing staff bring over the requested chair.

The three of them eased the door open by pushing it gently. It was obvious there was quite some weight on the other side of it. Nick prayed it wasn't Jennifer.

When they had eased it open enough for one of them to squeeze through Nick stepped closer to the group. "Is everything all right?" he asked.

One of the nurses nodded her head reassuringly at him, but he did not accept the answer, knowing she would've nodded her head like that no matter how dire the situation was. That's how they were trained. It's how cops were trained too. Avoid telling the devastating truth to anyone until you absolutely have to. Save them the heartache and worry. It's better for all involved.

And then suddenly there she was. The door opened fully and Jennifer appeared, the nurse with her arms around her, supporting her as she stumbled and dragged herself across the floor and into the waiting wheelchair. She was half her normal stature, so doubled over in pain was she, and Nick gasped. She had her eyes squeezed shut so didn't see him rush to her side and then be politely shoved gently away by the nurses before he could see that she was bleeding.

"What's going on?" he asked, stricken. "Jen!"

But no one said anything to Nick except to ask him to move out of their way. They wheeled her hurriedly away and Nick stood dumbfounded by the bathroom door, completely out of the picture. A woman appeared at his elbow from inside the bathroom and shook her head in disbelief as they both watched Jennifer disappear down the hall.

"She just collapsed," the woman whispered. "I was just washing my hands and she just folded to the floor as soon as she walked in."

Nick turned to her as the woman visibly shuddered, her face as white as a sheet.

"Do you know her?"

He nodded and then started running down the hallway after the love of his life.

This is the end

Hold your breath and count to ten

Feel the earth move and then

Hear my heart burst again


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"But I'm…I'm…" Nick stuttered. "We're…just let me in would ya? I need to see her."

"I'm sorry but I can't do that." The nurse's stubborn reply grated at Nick. He just wanted to know what had happened and hold her hand through it. His mind threw up incomprehensible scenarios that frightened him to the bone. If she was pregnant had something happened to the baby? If she wasn't what had happened to her then, to make her collapse? He wished fervently that she had just done a pregnancy test or gone to her doctor before now so they'd known for certain one way or the other. Because now Nick was being forced into a terrifying limbo.

Another nurse emerged from where Jennifer had been taken then and looked Nick up and down. And then she smiled. "Are you Nick?" she asked kindly.

He nodded eagerly. "Yes yes. Can I see her?"

The nurse nodded back. "Yes. She just asked for you. You can go in."

"Thankyou," he breathed in a rush.

"But Nick –" the warning came before he sprinted from the room. "Before you go in…you should know…"

Nick just stared at her, afraid of what was to come.

"Jennifer has suffered a miscarriage."

Nick sucked in a breath again, and again, didn't let it out. All that came out of his mouth was a loud sob that he couldn't hold back. His hand flew to his mouth as his frown deepened and he looked at the nursing staff in horror for a few moments.

When he reached the door he hovered there, suddenly so uncertain. He could see her huddled in the bed, facing away from him. She looked so small. It pulled at his heart strings and right then a brief fantasy skidded through his brain, where he wished he could whisk her away to somewhere like Belgrave and just spend every waking moment with her, not worrying about the rest of the world. They could start over somewhere else. He was sure of it. Not Belgrave. He could never take her back to Belgrave. But somewhere else. Somewhere where they could be free and could start again. Where they could forget the last twelve months.

He stepped lightly into the room and walked over to her side. He pulled a chair over so he could sit down and his eyes could be at her level. When she sensed him there she opened her eyes, and Nick's heart broke at how overwhelmed and crushed the expression was that she wore.

"Oh Jen…" he whispered, a lump in his throat already. He leaned down and kissed her forehead tenderly.

She cried silently, the tears slipping down her face as if she wasn't even aware of them. "We had it for such a short time Nick," she whispered back.

"It was still ours," Nick replied before he broke down too, so devastated that they'd lost their child. No matter how unprepared they were for it, no matter the circumstances under which it was conceived, no matter who either of them were seeing at the time, no matter what they were dealing with in their lives, that baby was still theirs. _Theirs. _One single sliver of tiny hope, gone_. _It could've righted all their wrongs.Nick stood up abruptly from his chair, knocking it over in his haste. He let go of Jennifer's hand as he walked quickly from the room. He kept his head down when he got out to the hallway, not wanting Jennifer, or anyone else, to see him cry. _I can't handle this _he thought, feeling like his world had ended. He leant over, his hands on his bent knees, his head drooped, his tears splashing onto his shoes and the linoleum floor.

But Jennifer still noticed. She turned over on the bed to face the doorway, able to see Nick's shirt sleeve as he stood outside the door.

When he came back in a few moments later, having dried his eyes and gathered himself together somewhat, she reached out sadly to him, holding his arm on the bed. "I know I know," she whispered, sobbing with him.

After a while she spoke again. "But Nick…" she whispered, sounding almost frightened. "Matt can never know okay? Never." Nick looked up and into her eyes. "It'd kill him."


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Jennifer likened the last twelve months of her life to a landslide. Terrible the whole way down, but the worst at the bottom. And she had reached the bottom now, and it was the hardest thing she'd ever been through. She thought back to the terrible times when Matt had been at his worst – when he'd shoved her against furniture, when he'd broken glasses and crockery, when he'd lashed out uncharacteristically at his colleagues, when he'd struggled to focus for even brief moments. He'd lost so much of the policeman's technique that he had refined so much since getting his first stripes. It was a technique all coppers carried over, unaware, into everyday life, and without it they were totally different people. It was something Jennifer had always hoped she would never lose. Now, after the last year, she hoped even more, because she had seen firsthand what a dreadful impact losing it had had on Matt.

Nick still sat by her bed as the clock ticked past midnight and tomorrow arrived. They hadn't spoken for hours, only cried quietly together in fits and starts. Nick had never felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and whenever he cast an eye over to Jen, lying small in the bed in front of him, he shuddered to imagine just how overwhelmed and exhausted she must feel too.

"What am I going to do Nick?" came her voice in the semi darkness.

He was not surprised to hear her speak out so randomly. He'd been expecting it for the last hour. But he had no answer for her.

"I can't keep such huge secrets from him like this," she whispered. "If I can't be honest I can't be with him."

"You should tell him that," Nick said.

She nodded silently against her pillow and then closed her eyes. She would only keep one secret from Matt now, and that was that she and Nick had almost become parents.

At 6am Nick awoke from an uncomfortable sleep in his chair and looked at Jennifer. She was dead to the world, though still far from looking okay. He sat and watched her for a few minutes and noted how wracked with guilt he felt. The feeling upset him immeasurably and he had to leave the room. As he got up out of his chair and tip toed quietly to the door he overheard the nurses at the nearby desk talking about Jennifer.

_Stress._

_Grief._

_The likely cause._

He walked quickly out of the room and in the opposite direction down the hall from the desk where the nurses gossiped over their morning coffees. He gritted his teeth and breathed hard as he came to grips with the responsibility he'd probably known about all along.

Nick knew he was in large part responsible for the stress and grief in her life. It wasn't all Matt. He sighed, wanting to cry again. He wanted to sing Jennifer a thousand apologies, but knew even that wouldn't be enough. She had lost her baby. And he was one of the reasons why. He took a moment to step outside and breathe in some fresh morning air before going back into the quiet hospital and going back to her room. He almost didn't want to, but the thought of her alone and upset was more than he could bare. He put aside his own needs and went back to see her.

When he walked back in she was awake, and he'd not stepped three steps into the room when a doctor walked in right behind him. Before the doctor even began speaking Nick wondered if he should be there. He contemplated stepping out into the hall again. But Jennifer begged him with her eyes to stay, so he hovered at her bedside. But when the doctor began talking about the options for Jennifer Nick again made a start for the door.

"Nick." She reached out for his hand and he knew he could never not hold it. He stepped back in to be close to her bedside.

The doctor continued talking, his voice soothing and sympathetic, a true professional in this delicate bedside manner in which he needed to deliver such devastating news.

"Your miscarriage was very early in the pregnancy Jennifer," he explained. "The after effects should not be too severe on you. I don't believe we will have to intervene. We will just wait and see."

Jennifer nodded, then looked over at Nick. Both were only just starting to realise what the doctor meant. Neither had any idea what happened after one miscarried a child, but they were quickly figuring it out.

To Jennifer it sounded so brutal, even if they didn't have to 'intervene.'

A few minutes later the doctor left and Nick sat down at her bedside again. His remorse fell out of his mouth quickly. "I'm so sorry Jen," he admitted quietly to her. "I'm so sorry I put you in such a terrible position. It was wrong."

"Nick-"

He shook his head, so ashamed. "I understand if you don't want to be with me…" his voice then fell to a whisper. "…no matter how much I want to be with you."

He sighed, and it came out wobbly, such were his emotions in front of her. "I won't chase you anymore."

He couldn't believe he was telling her he understood if she wanted to go back to a violent man. He didn't think she should, and it would've killed him to see her continue to be hurt and bruised by such an ugly partner, but it wasn't up to him. He truly didn't know if she would go back or not, but he had to give her the choice. He felt so to blame for so much of her unhappiness, and he didn't want to be the root cause of it any longer. It was a pain he found difficult to bare.

"Nick," she whispered, tears in her eyes. She drifted off, not knowing what else to say for a few moments. She didn't blame him. They were equal parties in this. They stared at each other, both heartbroken almost beyond repair. Finally she spoke up again, her voice albeit tiny. "I feel so empty," she cried softly. Her pale blue eyes were awash with glassy tears and he fished in his pocket for a hankerchief to offer her. She took it from him and blotted at the corners of her eyes momentarily before putting it down on the mattress in a crumpled little heap. "I think I knew all along I was pregnant, and I became attached without even realising it was happening."

She wiped at her tears with her slender fingers when she stopped speaking, as if she had forgotten the hankerchief was right in front of her and she'd only used it seconds before. She blotted the salty droplets onto her pillow as she spoke again. "I think I really did want it. I imagine us as parents and…it would've been perfect. It would've been all right."

She looked at Nick again and he could only nod. He'd had similar imaginings. _It would've been all right._

Didn't we almost have it all

When love was all we had worth giving?

The ride with you was worth the fall my friend

Loving you makes life worth living


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

They talked on, trying to right their lives. It was obvious Jennifer still was troubled over what to do about Matt. He was still unconscious, which almost worked in a way, as Jennifer too had to spend some time in hospital as they had to 'wait and see' how she would recover from her miscarriage. It bought them agonising time before something had to be said to Matt. It also helped to keep the secret from Matt that Jennifer and Nick had conceived, and then lost, a baby together.

"But I know how you feel Jen, about Matt," he said. "I know how obligated you feel."

She nodded. "I really do."

They fell silent for a few moments before she spoke up again.

"But that doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship, or that I should still feel obligated if I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm not the one who needs to kick a habit. It's him."

She was so right and Nick marvelled at her level headedness in such a messy, stressful situation. She had the kind of inner strength few others in this world possessed. And she didn't even realise it. Inside somewhere he was so proud of this woman he loved.

It happened very quickly, as the doctor had predicted it would. In Jennifer's case, there was sadly not a lot to lose. She had not been pregnant for that long. She was soon back on her feet and now needing to face up to the world and tackle her problems. Nick stood in front of her and massaged her shoulders, trying to fill her with confidence for what she was about to do.

She breathed hard in trepidation, still feeling somewhat delicate after the last few days. And fear still ran through her veins too – a fear that hadn't let up since that night when she'd hidden huddled behind the bathroom door.

"Jen."

She looked up and into his stunning, warm eyes.

And all he did was lean down and kiss her. But that simple solitary act compelled her to scrounge up her courage and walk from the room.

Matt was awake.

As she walked through the hospital towards where Matt lay, his wrist in plaster and a sling, his side taped up to nurse his bruised side, Jennifer felt completely bipolar, now able to see both sides of the problem so clearly. And to be able to see both sides so well at last was so incredibly frustrating when she now had to make a decision once and for all.

One part of her was so remorseful. So disappointed in herself that she and Matt had become like so many other relationships in the force and not been able to last the distance. Just another sad statistic in police force romances. There had been a time, before Nick, and before Matt, when she had said to herself that'll never be me. I'll find the perfect man, and he won't be a copper.

She was also so bitterly disappointed that she had let herself become so lost and so deep into the whole mess. She knew she should never have let so much of what happened between her and Matt ever occur.

Come on skinny love

Just last the year

But she also knew that the relationship she had with Matt was not the kind she wanted to be in. She needed to walk away. She knew she was only so fretful about being with Nick because she hadn't let go of the relationship she had with Matt. She knew once she did she could finally be happy with Nick. Theirs was the kind of relationship she'd always wanted. Where she was happy and safe and an equal. Where she was so loved and never, ever under the threat of a violent temper or a raging addiction. What she'd had with Matt for almost two years was not healthy. Not anymore. It hadn't been for a while.

But she still cried when she told him. She still felt guilty and still like the worst kind of human being. But Matt Ryan was past the point of no return and he took in what she had to say and accepted it. It was too blatantly truthful that he just couldn't argue anymore. She was right. He could say nothing else. They weren't working anymore. And while they didn't discuss why, he knew it was almost entirely because of him.

She was still the selfless person she had always been though, and offered him help with leaving the hospital and anything else he needed. But she was no longer going to live in his house. He too would not be there for quite some time. For all his misgivings and stupid acts, the state police still wanted him back, and they were prepared to do whatever it took to get him back to the capable member he used to be. So they were happy to foot the bill for an exclusive and expensive rehabilitation facility on the coast. He wouldn't be returning to Melbourne for some time, and wouldn't be returning to work for even longer. And this time there would be no breaking out and hot wiring a car to drive a reckless route back to Jen.

As she got up to leave his room hours later, they looked at each other desolately. The moment was equal parts awkward and sad, both certain their relationship was now over. They were exes. They'd shared a few years of their lives together, and now, moved on. Not many things in life last forever, Matt thought as she said goodbye and promised to be back in a few days when he was discharged.

Matt's heart ached as he watched her walk away from him, out the door, down the hall and out of sight. Losing Jen felt exactly like it did when he lost his mother. Smothering. All engulfing. Like the pain would never go away. Jen, like his mother, had been someone he was so close to that it was like losing a limb. He felt like he couldn't possibly live without it.

And he cried the same way he did when he lost his mother.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

The next day they allowed her to be discharged and she set about gathering the few meagre possessions she had kept in the hospital during her stay. Nick sat and watched her from across the room, where he sat silently.

"I just…need some time," she explained as she stuffed the blazer she had worn that fateful day into her handbag. "I'm going to get my stuff together from Matt's house and put it in storage for a while. Then I'm going to go see Mum in Sydney for a few days."

Nick frowned. "Your Mum lives in Sydney now?" he asked, unaware and saddened that their time apart, after he'd moved to Belgrave, meant that so much had happened in her life that he didn't know about and hadn't been a part of.

She nodded in reply as she zipped up the bag slowly. "Yeah she moved there last year. I miss not having her closer…" she sounded so wistfully sad. "…so I need to go and see her."

She sighed and thought of her mother. She couldn't wait to see her again and be hugged tightly by this woman who always understood, and stroked her hair and made her cups of tea whenever she needed it.

Nick nodded solemnly at her answer but didn't say anything back, even though he knew the look on his face gave away that all he wanted to do was ask a million questions of her. He was upset that her plans for the next week didn't include him, but he'd promised her he wouldn't chase her anymore. _She can do whatever she wants Nick. With or without you _he thought inside.

Jennifer slung the bag over her shoulder and was suddenly very keen to leave this room she'd lain in for days and suffered so much pain in. She looked again at Nick. "I just need to get my head together Nick." She stared at him, trying to see if he understood, somewhere under that deep, dark veil that had draped so quickly over him from the moment he'd cried at her side when they first took in the news of their loss together.

She placed a light kiss on his cheek. "I'm just not ready Nick…not yet."

Back at Matt's place it took her less time than she thought it would to gather her possessions. She'd lived with him for so long, and made the house their home together, yet within an afternoon she had it all in a moving truck bound for a storage facility. As the guys the moving van company had sent to help her loaded up the last few boxes and random, little pieces of furniture she knew Matt would not miss, Matt himself returned home. Stanley dropped him off, pulling not into the driveway when he saw the moving truck, but the roadside instead, and helped Matt with his small bag. He saw Jennifer on the front veranda and didn't approach, especially after Matt insisted he could make his way inside himself just fine. So Matt and Jen were soon alone again once more.

It wasn't frightening now, thought Jennifer. It was only awkward. And it made her not want to stay for long. Luckily all her things were almost packed up, and as she gathered the last of her things into canvas shopping bags, Matt perched on the end of the couch and watched her empty the house of everything Jennifer. His arm was still in a sling and he still moved around gingerly, clearly still in pain, and he was a sorry sight. It made leaving harder, but in the back of her mind she still knew it was definitely what she needed to do.

She looped the handles of several of the bags over her wrist and stopped in front of him. "Is Wolfey coming back?" she asked timidly.

Matt shook his head. They both knew he shouldn't be alone. "Dunny's coming over in a minute though."

Jennifer nodded back in a similar fashion. "Can I do anything else? Change the bedsheets? Get you a coffee?" she was clutching at straws to try to make it less awkward and make herself feel a little bit better about being set to walk out on him.

He shook his head again. "No."

"Okay," she whispered.

"It's okay Jen," he reassured her. "You don't have to worry about me so much now. Please don't feel guilty."

She nodded.

"Where are you going to go?" he asked, curious.

She shrugged her shoulders at him. "I dunno yet. I'm going to fly up to Sydney tonight to stay with my Mum for a bit though. Maybe a week or so. After that…I'll figure something out."

Matt nodded, remembering how close Jennifer and her mother were.

Jennifer continued. "Anyway I should go. Sure you're okay here?" she asked one more time.

Matt nodded and was surprised when she leant into him for one final hug. As he held her to him for the last time he spoke quietly into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry Jen…" his voice choked up. "…for everything."

When they pulled apart she didn't speak anymore. She just smiled at him and walked away, hoping that one day, he would be all right again.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Jennifer's mother had a cute little townhouse in Wentworth Point and they sat out on her balcony in large cushioned cane armchairs the day after she arrived. And it didn't take too many cups of tea for the whole story to come spilling out. Her mother sat and listened patiently and supportively, and hid her shock and hurt well when Jennifer confessed the violence she had suffered at the hands of Matt and the terrible news of the baby she had lost.

"I just don't know what to do now," Jennifer sighed, wrapping her hands around her mug and squinting over at her mother opposite her in the afternoon sun. "What do you think?" she asked honestly.

Her mother answered bluntly, but her tone still contained enough concern to not offend Jennifer. "I think it sounds like you should've been with Nick all along."

Still, Jennifer was surprised at her answer. But it only took her a second to realise her mother was of course right. She always was. But part of Jennifer was still glad she was in Sydney, away from Nick, at least for a few days. She needed to breathe properly again.

The next day her mother kicked her out of the house and demanded she make use of herself and get her the milk and bread she needed from the nearby shops. So Jennifer plodded along, appreciating the warm sun on her back as she walked along the footpath to the milk bar. When she had bought what she'd been sent to buy she dawdled around the other shops nearby, popping into the local gift shop to browse the shelves.

They were full of things like china tea pots and gold rimmed tea cups, tall vases and cute cast iron chairs and jewellery racks. She tried to look past the area of the store that housed neat pile after neat pile of folded jumpsuits and tiny socks and shoes. The pain was still raw. She turned away.

She focussed on the cellophane wrapped cards on display in front of her instead, but even that was a painful sight, with every card seeming to be for a baby shower or a new arrival. She sighed and tightened her grip on her bag of groceries and turned towards the door to leave.

But a tiny verse caught her eye as she stepped away, and it made her look back over her shoulder at it. There at the top of the display, right on the very corner, was a simple white card with soft pink writing on the front. Its words were heart breakingly simple: _Ten fingers, ten toes and one perfect little button nose_.

She stepped back and pulled the card from its place on the display. She stared at it for a good minute before the store person interrupted her thoughts.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she marvelled. "So simple. You could use it for a shower, a new baby…anything baby related really." She nodded and smiled at Jennifer, so unaware of the swirl of emotions that churned through her insides at the rate of knots.

Jennifer nodded and flipped the card over to see the price. "I'll take it." She dug in her purse for a few coins.

"Great!" the girl chirped and bustled back behind the cash register to ring up the purchase for Jennifer. She slipped the card into a blue striped paper bag and handed it over to her happily. "Have a great day!" she called out as Jennifer left the store.

She held the bag lightly between her thumb and forefingers as she walked away from the shop. With every step she took back to her mother's house, her mind was being made up more and more.

That night in bed she played with the floral bedspread her mother had draped over the old double bed for her daughter. Everything was starting to become clearer and she soon fell asleep, knowing that the next day she would book her flight home.

Jennifer wondered what Nick would sound like when he answered his phone. Would he be pleased to hear from her? Surprised to hear from her? She had not spoken to him since she had left Melbourne, three days ago. It seemed like forever had passed.

"Jen." His voice was warm and thick, a voice so familiar and comforting to her.

"Hey Nick."

"How're you going?" he asked timidly.

"I'm okay," she reassured him, forcing a smile into her voice. "I'm coming home tomorrow afternoon…"

"Great," he replied eagerly, butting in.

"…would you be able to pick me up from the airport?"

He was quick to answer. "Of course."

She smiled into the phone. "Thanks Nick."

"God I've missed you Jen," he breathed suddenly from his end.

The smile remained on her face. "I've missed you," she whispered back. "See you tomorrow. I'll text you my flight details in the morning."

"All right," he replied, so easy going. "See you tomorrow."

They hung up, both now feeling like the worst was over at last.

Only thirty hours later Jennifer touched down back in Melbourne and itched to get off the aeroplane. She watched the crew near her seat like a hawk, watching their every move as they unbuckled themselves and disarmed the doors. The second the seatbelt sign went off she stood up and made her way into the aisle, being careful not to jostle anyone and get them off side in her haste. She watched the door be pulled open and instantly smelt Melbourne as the fresh air rushed into the cabin. It only made her want to get off the plane even more.

When she was finally on the aerobridge she powerwalked all the way along it to the terminal door and through a gush of air conditioning she stepped into the terminal and looked around at the sea of faces waiting to greet the flight from Sydney.

She looked left, then right, then left again and that was when she finally locked eyes with him. She ran through the crowd and they crashed together hard, their arms wrapping around each other, squeezing each other tightly. She put her hands to his face and smoothed them over his worry lines and into his hair as he stared at her, unable to tear his eyes away.

Their lips met for the first time in what felt like a long time.

Twenty minutes later as Nick threw her suitcase into the boot of his car and reached up to close the hatch, Jennifer dug in her brown leather handbag for the card. She handed it wordlessly over to him, knowing now, with so few people surrounding them, and the sun setting at their backs, was the right time to give it to him.

He frowned slightly, wondering what it was. But he took it from her and tore at the flap of the envelope and pulled out the card. He read the front so slowly, as if memorising every word, even though there weren't that many in the little verse, and then he took a deep breath in and opened it up. In her head she said the words she'd written as she watched him read them.

_This is what I want with you._

He looked up at her, shocked and still holding the card before him. She could tell he was fighting the urge not to cry, and disbelief was written all over his tender, ravaged face. He couldn't believe she was ready so soon after tragedy. "Are you sure?" he whispered.

"I'm sure Nick."

He wrapped his arms around her even tighter than he had in the terminal and his embrace even lifted her off the ground a little. But she barely noticed. She just kept her arms locked around his neck and smiled.

Sometimes I wonder

How I'd ever make it through,

Through this world without having you

I just wouldn't have a clue

When I see you smile

I can face the world, oh oh,

you know I can do anything

When I see you smile

I see a ray of light, oh oh,

I see it shining right through the rain

When I see you smile

Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

**Song credits, in order of use:**

**Prologue – Trembling Hands, The Temper Trap**

**1 – There Goes My Life, Kenny Chesney**

**2 – Set Fire To The Rain, Adele**

**4 – Set Fire To The Rain, Adele**

**6 – Thriller, Michael Jackson**

**6 – Set Fire To The Rain, Adele**

**8 – Somebody That I Used To Know, Gotye**

**9 – Without You, Keith Urban**

**10 – Who You'd Be Today, Kenny Chesney**

**13 – Remind Me, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood**

**13 – Remind Me, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood**

**16 – Remind Me, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood**

**18 – Remind Me, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood**

**19 – Nobody Sees, Powderfinger**

**19 – Nobody Sees, Powderfinger**

**21 – I'm On Your Side, Paul Kelly**

**22 – I'm On Your Side, Paul Kelly**

**23 – How To Save A Life, The Fray**

**24 – Unfaithful, Rihanna**

**24 – Skyfall, Adele**

**26 – Didn't We Almost Have It All, Whitney Houston**

**27 – Skinny Love, Birdy**

**29 – When I See You Smile, Bad English**

Thankyou to all those who read and reviewed this, from the bottom of my heart. It truly means everything to me that you told me what you thought of my writing. Brindy


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